Gonna have to keep looking back to remember all the questions. LOL

Nothing earth shattering was happening. Sure, we had the normal marital stuff. Money woes, teenagers, and in hindsight, had forgotten to take care of each other in the daily grind.

My first instinct was to protect what was MINE. This is MY husband and nobody is going to have him. Why? Because I have loved him since before I met him. I was drawn to him when I saw him in a group picture. He wasnt my type in the least, but I culdnt get him off my mind. Its hard to explain, but there was a "pull" I couldnt get past. He is a good man who made a horrible choice when he lost hope. If we had a bad narriage before all of this (other than what I considered normalstuff) I dont know that I would have fought as hard to save it. I didnt stay for financial resons, but I did tell him that there was no way he was getting to leave and start his life over and leave me with all the responsibility. I would not have been able to survive here on my income. PLUS take care of everyone else in the house. NOPE he didnt get off that easily.

My H has not met all of my needs at this point. We are in a much better place, but I am waiting for him to take me in his arms and tell me I am the only one for him. I need to know that he is over her and realizes it was a fantasy. He can say he doesnt think about her much or knows she sint coming back, but he hasnt told me how much he wants to be with me. He talks about future events such as our rtirement funds or things waaaaay down the road. I ask if he plans to be here for that and he says, well, yeah. Not exactly what I am looking for, but its better than, I dont know.

I continue to stay for several reasons. Ultimatley, they are all the same. I love him. I know he was hurting or this never would have happened. I have my share of blame in how it all came about. If we can get past the hurt on both sides, we can regain the bond we once had AND it will be stronger than ever. I have to be patient and understanding of him on order to meet his needs. He has to do his part to meet mine while he works on recovering from his own feelings. This isnt something that will happen over night. Time will tell if we can recover from all of this, so if you give up to soon, you might never find the end of the rainbow.

Everyone's circumstances are different. Reconciling is a long, difficult and emotional process. It certainly isnt for everyone. I cant imagine my life without my H in it. Not because I am dependant on him, but because he is a part of my soul adn I dont feel complete without him. He has hurt me so deeply that a part of me died and can never be recovered. Some people cant get past that and see no point in trying. I am struggling with my own feelings about it, but my feelings of life without him frighten me more.

Its a pesonal choice and nobody can make it but you. Base it on your knowledge of your life and your marriage before the A.

Cant wait to see some of the other answers. Hope they are enlightening. Prayers and strength to all of you.

Wow your post took me back a little, I don't think anyone ever asked me these questions,but I'm williing to answer.

I am a staying wife so far. It's been about 16 months since Dday. I was so shocked when I found out. At the time the A's started I just lost my sister and instead of taking care of me and beening there for me he went out of town and met some stranger online and had his 1st A. I didn't know and I didn't find out until 6 years later, by then it had been 4 one night stands 8 phone sex and 1 repete girl.

When I found out I was ready to leave...I got my own bank account, talked to a lawyer was making my exit plans. This took a month for me to sort everything out and have all my proof put together before I confronted.

When the time came I was ready : I reasons I stayed......when I confronted he didn't know how much I knew and I told him he was going to tell me everything i wanted to know and if I caught him in a lie it was over. It has been a long hard road, but i didn't want to give up on a 16year marriage so fast if there was something to save. My kids were a big factor in this. If he wasnt willing to go the extra distance I would have been gone.

I don't know why totally it's working for us, but we got to the bottom of his problems and we are alot stronger together now than we ever was. Trust is still a thing I am working on and there is still alot of hurt, but everday is a new day and i dont give up easy. I will never trust him like before and he knows that. Talking is the best way to go and I put my feelings out there for him so he can understand me and what I'm going through due to his selfish behavior.
I think everyone is different and it takes two to make it work. like I said if he didnt get his Crap together and want to make us work I would not be with him. I love my family ...hope that helps sorry so long ::)

I caught my H having phone sex Valentines morning - 3:30 a.m., 3 years ago. I stayed. He made promises, came clean on a bunch of other things he had been doing, and was working really hard to make it up to me. He was truly afraid that I would walk out on him...

I stayed at that point because of my child and I loved my H. I was able to justify staying since he hadn't actually had physical sex with another woman, and he was saying and doing all the right things, at the right time...

I did have a list of things he had to do, being transparent, giving me access to all phone records, credit card statements, etc. - He complied for awhile...

That was the first A. I left after catching him on his second A. He had also started doing steroids and testosterone, which caused horrible mood swings and personality changes... Dr. Jeckell and Mr. Hyde moved into my home! Between the increasing violence, the hatefulness directed at my son and I and seeing all the money and time he was spending on and with the OW, I left... Life was unbearable during that second A, which I've now found was the 3rd actual physical A.

He killed himself and burnt our house when I moved my son and I out. Although, I lost 90% of our belongings in the fire, which includes our cat, Sofy...

I can say that when the A began we were dealing with alot of issues not only in our marriage, but with my oldest son who has ADHD. Add in my H's stress at work. He works for his parents and there are alot of issues there too. It was a very stressful period and she offered an escape.

I stayed in my marriage for love. I still love my H deeply. I will never condone the poor choices he made and they hurt me horribly, but I understand why it happened. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty, but deep down inside I'm sad that I wasn't what he needed me to be at that time.

He is trying hard to do what I need him to do and that makes it easier. I'm certain that he loves me as much as I love him. We are working hard to be what each other needs and I feel hope for the future. There are still rough days as the A has really screwed me up and I know there will be more. I think more these days about "us" rather than "them" and I think that shows that I'm ready to move forward.

Our DS was 5 weeks old when he started sexting and cybering with OW. It had been a long pregnancy with me on bedrest for last 10 weeks of it and him having to take care of me, house, and DS who was 14-16 months during period. He was amazing during that time. I stayed for two main reasons at first. I couldn't break up our family. He loves our kids with all his heart and like most cheating H's never thought he was doing this to them too. He is a good dad, very involved. And the second was finances. I couldn't afford to divorce him plain and simple. DDay was June 7th so not that far out. He has done everything he is suppose to. Complete transparency, always checking in with me, no contact with her, on and on. I did give him a list and he is working on it slowly. They were tall orders. There was an "incident" a couple years ago that entered the grey area of inappropriate. I let him know I thought his actions wrong, he completely disagreed but stopped anyway. This time he knew he was wrong. I'm more inclined toward staying at this point. I've invested 7 years, we have two babies, a home, he says he wants to change and never stopped loving me, it was just an escape from reality which now he is facing. He is telling me more about how he feels, what he thinks and has realized marriage is two people sharing one life not two people leading parallel lives. Also, I made a vow. It meant something to me. The main reasons for leaving are trust ( yep a biggie) and pride (and this is the one I struggle with). Trust might be something that can be restored and pride needs to be kept in check.

And that first sentence should have read "our DD was five weeks old...." She is a girl. LOL

I can answer some of these questions... My H had lost his job with a company that he was with for about 20 years. He was in a prominent position there when the company shut their doors. He was the last man standing and in fact did the final walk through with lawyers and building owners when the rest of the people went back to Japan where corporate is. So, he felt horrible about that and he had just purchased a brand new shiney Mercedes Benz, thinking he was safe... I think that had a huge impact on his ego. This was not the only thing that was no good. He wasn't happy with me being overweight, and he was emotionally abusive to me, but thought he was being funny. We had one kid off to college and my H never got along with him too well. The poor kid could never meet my H's expectations and we have 1 teen who has ADHD who gets along ok with his dad for the most part, but had started treating him like crap too. He used to be daddy's favorite kid I guess, but when the older one left and decided not to come back, I guess my H needed to outlet on someone else, so the younger one gets it now. Not able to measure up. I guess none of us are really. So, he got a facebook page and an old friend from years ago decided to friend him and from tehre it turned to an EA which I could see happening and tried to stop and from there he pulled the trigger on the A. He knew I was in pain watching the whole thig unfold, but did it anyway. Pleading ignorance that "IT" would happen. He thought they were only going to have lunch together... OKAYYYY... Anyway, yes our marriage was a mess I guess but we didn't realize it. We were always hanging together and going places and laughing and having a good time, except there was no sex to speak of and no passion and no intimacy at all. I slept in a separate bedroom because of both of us snoring. But when I learned of the A becoming an official A and no longer an EA, I confronted the OW. She dumped my H like a hot potato! He and I did go through a little counceling, I think just enough for him to realize what an ass he was being for years and he promised he was committed 100% to our marriage. I decided to be 100% committed too. I do love him but I still do not trust 100%. There is a bunch of things I would LOVE to see happen and he knows how I feel as I have expressed myself earlier on, but alas not too many things are happening. He holds his emotions inside and never shows much. I have also stopped showing any emotion. I feel like I am not going to beat a dead horse. My H did say early on when I found out about the A that he wasn't "in love" with me, but he does love me. He felt we lived more like friends than a married couple. I agreed. I was ready to move out myself and take the young one with me, but he asked me not to. I still think about it sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. I sometimes think me and the kid would be better off, but again, I do love him. He also said that he is afraid of ending up alone. Which is exactly what would have happened. I too do not want to be alone. I do want a more fairytale like marriage, but I cannot seem to get it. Maybe it's just me, but I won't beg for the attention. I am tired of fighting and will just live the rest of this (whatever it is) being content. I'm not out looking for another man and I never was. Some of this is for financial reasons too. I know neither of us can make it without each other right now anyway. Maybe when he gets another job someday, he could, who knows. He may change his mind and choose not to be with me. I cannot predict how this will turn out, but for now all we can do is move on. He does hug and kiss me now and he didn't before the A, so I guess that is some progress. He does say he will never do it again and that I am his everything, but who knows. If another old friend comes along, will I still be enoug??? I can't say. I don't trust and never will 100% again. I am sad that what I thought was great for 21 years turned out to be a lie. Now I feel like I just met him and I have to learn all the new things about him. While he already knows everything about me as I never lied or acted differently than I do now. Except that I now refuse to show any sadness or emotional breakdown in front of him. I save this for my alone time. Breakdowns and sadness didn't help prior to him making his decision, so it is useless to think that it would help now for anything. I am a bit cynical now.

I forgot to add that even though I have lost over 25 lbs, it doesn't seem to make much difference. Sure he says I look better, but actions speak louder than words and I ain't gettin no action!!!

i stayed because i didn`t want to be alone. i didn`t want to date again. i didn`t want to change.i thought she was as good as it gets. i would like to kick myself in the ass for my thinking.i think i was just use to her and she new me.

Q: Was there a significant event happening in your life / marriage when the A occurred?

A: Too many years over-involved with kids, jobs, house and nowhere near enough focus or time on each other.

Q: Why did you choose to stay in your marriage after discovery of the A?

A: I didn't at first. My husband disclosed the affair to me himself and we separated within three weeks of that disclosure and were intending to file for divorce. But during our separation I think we both discovered how much we truly loved each other. His affair didn't last long at all once he was free to have her, or she was free to have him (LOL) and well, we just came to some soulful realizations about ourselves and each other, and our love for each other and for our kids...

Q:) Do you have a "list" of certain needs and expectations that you want to see met in order for the marriage to continue?

A.) No, not really. I think when one person is making such a list... expectations are disappointments or resentments waiting to happen. But we did talk through a number of issues and agreed, verbally, to what needed to change in our marriage in order to survive and not go backward. One agreement is that neither of us will maintain *friendships* with the opposite sex unless that *friend* is already considered a *friend* of the marriage.

Another agreement is that we have date night every Friday night come hell or high water. Another agreement is that we will make love at least twice a week, unless one of us is sick. Stuff like that.

Q: If your spouse has not met all your needs since you began the process of reconciliation, WHY do you continue to stay?

A: My H has met my needs to the degree of which I've asked for him to meet them, but I don't think he would have responded well to demands.

Q: Is this your first A to learn of in your marriage or have you had others in the past? If this is not the first A in the marriage, why do you give them another chance?

A: First, and God willing, the last.

Was there a significant event happening in your life / marriage when the A occurred?

(1st affair)
New baby ...YES
Depression...YES
Financial problems, new business...YES


Why did you choose to stay in your marriage after discover of the A?

Love ...YES
Children ...YES
Fear ... probably, still am scared but of what I am not sure.


Do you have a "list" of certain needs and expectations that you want to see met in order for the marriage to continue? ...

Yes, he cut all ties with the OW and started therapy and medication for his depression immediatelly.

If your spouse has not met all your needs since you began the process of reconciliation, WHY do you continue to stay?

He did meet all these requirements for 9 years and then had a second A. Not sure what the future holds now.

Is this your first A to learn of in your marriage or have you had others in the past? If this is not the first A in the marriage, why do you give them another chance?

This is # 2 in 22 years together. I have not yet decided what the future will hold. He is once again dealing with his depression, changing meds, returning to therapy (I hope) so I will take it one day at a time.

We are best friends and high school sweethearts. We have 2 great kids and own a business together. It is just not that easy for me to walk away. If I thought deep down his affair had NOTHING to do with his depression I would have walked the first time.

I am not making excuses for his A nor am I justifing his behavior I am just saying it is not black and white for me in my situation.

Yeah, I was 6 months Pregnant and appearently not giving him enough attention or sex! So he found someone who would!
Why did I stay?
Well, I love him, but if not for our children, I would have left. Love isn't enough to make a marriage work, it takes Commitment from both people!

There was a significant event in my life-developed severe anxiety attacks due to stress from running national grassroots safety campaign.

Its been nearly 5 months since I found out. I am choosing to stay in the marriage because I still love him, we have 2 children and we had a big communication breakdown getting worse every year during out 12 years of marriage that we are finally addressing.

A "list" of needs/expectations to meet in order for the marriage to continue? Seeing continued effort and remorse on his part. Seeing him continue to be transparent and wanting to keep communication strong. Having him continue to hang in with me when I get angry or get extremely sad about his betrayal.

My spouse is trying to maintain awareness of my needs and is responsive and keeps trying, so I have chosen to stay.

This is the first A during our marriage.

Our marriage wasn't great but I honestly thought that was the way it was supposed to be after 12 years. The fact that he was lying to my face every day for a year and a half and betraying me for a time roughly as long as his service in two Gulf wars (as I waited for him at home, once as a girlfriend premarriage, then as a wife with small children.)

I live normally for a little while then the affair pulls itself back to the forefront of my attention. This is a nightmare I'd never wish on anyone. Why do I still stay with him? Because even after all this, I want him in my life. As I have told him, I am walking through fire for him right now. I hope that when I get to the one year anniversary next April that I will either have alot less pain or that I will have the strength and the fortitude to leave to find my sanity and preserve my life.

My H affair happened a another low point in his life. He has a doctorate in education and many people thought he was the "renaissance man";everything he did was awesome and fabulous. However, when he landed a "plum" job at a school noted for high standards, he made some uninformed and horrible decisions. The result--he was asked to resign from the position before the school year was out. He did not see it coming, thought the faculty and staff were crazy about him, but he really stepped on the wrong "toes" with some of his decisions and the established faculty reported their grievances to the superintendent who asked him to leave or be transferred to another low performing school. He chose the latter and even though he was miserable and despondent, he never told me or discussed his feelings.

the next year, he landed a job in another school district at a school that was failing.As usual, his rep as a smart administrator was still partially intact, so various townspeople asked him to apply for the job because they felt he could "turn the school around." After about a year on the job, things started going sour(he would only allude to his problems without telling me the whole story.) During the second year, things were worse, and to make a long story short, he was fired from his job at the end of the school year.

He knew who was behind the firing and the reason he was being unfairly fired, but he still didn't think the person would go through with it)his words later on.

During this crisis, there was a co-worker who saw what was going on, what he was going through, and attempted to help him on a professional basis. From what I learned from him a year or so later, no one else showed interest or tried to help him.

It was the coming together of a perfect storm that led my H to see his co-worker, not as a professional, but as a "love interest." I discovered later that she(a divorcee) did not want to get romantically involved at first, but my H was so persistent and charming and desperate for validation, that he eventually persuaded her to believe that he could secretly lead two lives.

They got away with their trysts for almost a year before my gut instincts led me to do some PI on my own and I discovered what they had been up to. At first, I decided I didn't want her to have him, so I told him I wouldn"t leave. About a year later, I discovered more evidence that contradicted his story that they hadn't spent that much time together. After realizing that he had gotten involved much deeper than I at first suspected, and realizing that I might not ever get the whole truth from him, I told him I wanted a divorce.

He begged, pleaded, cried,prayed for me not to leave him. He had broken off the A a yearr or so earlier, but the evidence that I foundon his computer(love letters,poems,etc) killed any love that I might have left for him. I am financially stable, have not burned any career bridges behind me, and truth be known, I can do very well without him.

He knows this. Why amI staying? For llove for him? NO. For love for my grown children? YES. Even though they are out of the house with families of their own, I do not wish to let them know how pathetically weak and broken their father is. They still look up to him as a great daddy, and I would sacrifice anything to let them keep that illusion.

After analyzing the A to pieces, I know that my H has had some "family of origin" issues long before he met me, and since he is in no way ready to acknowledge them, I'll just accept what I am married to for better or worse. He has bent over backwards trying to undo the damage, and as far as I know this was his only A, I feel that he will never go to that hellish place again. He knows now what I will do if he decides to look elsewhere for comfort when he is having a hard time;I let him know that he only has to be honest and tell me what I can do to help.

My H had been overseas working for a contractor for 16months. It was in his last two weeks there a new hire came in and befriended him. He was depressed and stressed out over what faced him when he came home. Finding a job and going bankrupt and she listened and told him her problems. He began to feel need. She let it be known she wanted more and that boosted his EGO. He said they didn't have sex but did kiss and hug and became close. They continued with phone calls and e-mails after he returned. After I found out I stayed because it was a short time. I know how he gets when he's stressed(which is no excuse) he needs to be needed. I also know that if he wasn't offered he would have been happy with someone to talk to with out the inappropriate e-mails and phone calls. I love him and he has done everything to let me know how sorry he is and that he loves me.
I stayed bacause he's my best friend and hurting me was the last thing he wanted to do.