Your question: Is it really possible, with time, to love them like before?
My answer: No

We loved an illusion. Our cheaters betrayed us; they lied to us; they hid who they really are from us. So there is, in fact, a person standing before us who we are just getting to know.

The question we now have is do we even like this person enough to stay with them. Not to mention, the whole trust thing we have to deal with.

You talk about healing. Maybe for some people this is possible. It all depends on the cheater. It is up to the cheater to make things right. They broke the marriage - they can repair it. That is on them. Your spouse is "doing all the right things". You mean the things he should have been doing all along? What has he done that goes above and beyond?

You speak of anger. Of course you are angry! Who wouldn't be?!
Therapists say that anger is the "cover-up emotion". Okay, I'll bite. Is there something else that you are feeling deep inside? I think that sometimes anger is just anger. You are furious that you were lied to. You loved your spouse, you trusted your spouse, you were invested in them, you built a life with them, etc. and they took all those wonderful attributes and used them against you! And for what?

For me the anger is because I want my H to feel pain that is equal or greater to the pain he caused me. For the longest time I wanted to slap him across the face as hard as I could. I just wanted him to feel pain. So maybe my anger was frustration. Who knows? I think the bigger question is Are these feelings justified? And the answer is Yes, of course they are. So relax.

You don't need to waste money with a therapist. You just need a good friend who will listen to you, or use this site. I know I did so much better once I ditched therapy. It think it can help a lot in the beginning, but you are well past that point now.

You need to sit down with yourself and sort through your feelings. For me I find talking to the dog, going for long walks and talking with a good friend have been so much more helpful. You also need to realize that you might never feel totally at peace - you will have periods of time when you are fine, but as you say, there will be a trigger and BAM! you go right back to Pain Central.

Remember you can talk to your cheater. I do. I will tell him places have bad memories for me. I refuse to do things because of certain associations. I tell him that he has ruined so many things for me. He usually is quiet and I tell him that he needs to get past his messed up emotions and put me first.

We were the ones in the dark. We were the ones being manipulated. And now I take control. If he does something that annoys me I ask him - Would you be doing that if your mistress asked you not to?

He was my world and it hurts knowing I was not his. But I also know that he does not rule the world. He is just another douche bag. I will stay as long as things work for me, but once they do not, I will be gone. I tell him this, too.

Relationships are fluid. You both need to be patient and flexible. Set some goals together. See where you are on June first. You are not captive. You are free to make choices. Circle June first on your calendar right now.

Sadly, I agree with StormPetrel. I don't think I'll ever love and trust my husband the way I did when we were married, simply because he is not the man I thought I married. Also, per my therapist, he violated one of my core values, loyalty, so my recovery/forgiveness is especially difficult. It has been over three years since I discovered my husband's affair, and even though we went to couples therapy for a 1.5 years after, and I continue with individual therapy, we are not healed. I get constant triggers as the AP is a neighbor. And my husband still believes that I had a role to play in the affair (not enough affection from me). That said, the anger continues, and 3+ years later, I'm still not over it. Hopefully your spouse will do things he must do to regain your trust, but if loyalty is a strong value of yours, it'll be a difficult hurdle to overcome. As least it is with me, and as a result I'm still not feeling the love in the marriage that was once there.

I am sorry no one else who responded is in a better healing place for you. I followed this thread because I was hoping for some light the end of the tunnel kind of message like you asked.......sadly no one had any to share. I am 3 months since Dday and I am miserable.

I am in a much better place than I was 5 years ago. We have worked together. If something bothered me we worked it out.
It took 3 years, 3 months of marriage counseling. Marriage Builders, his brain her brain and how to help your spouse heal from your affair (his ah ha moment)

Just enduring living day to day in the same house will not make things better. You BOTH need to do the work and want to get to a place of love and trust.

The trust is still difficult for me. But I don’t dwell on it and he makes sure he does things not to put me In a uncomfortable situation.