I know for me, I wish someone that knew about the APs (my stbxh had at least 2 APs, if not more) had told me.

For one, the spouses deserve to know. They just do. Maybe it gives us a feeling of vindictiveness, but that does not negate their right to know.

They have a right to know who they are married to. They all clearly need to get tested for STDs!!!!!! That's a whole lot of icky. Frankly, I'd consider it irresponsible NOT to tell them, with that much "exchanging" going on.

Sorry you are facing this. Big hugs to you.

I've been wondering the same thing....outing the AP to their spouse. The AP is married and has 2 kids. I have thought about the pros and the cons. If it were me, I'd want someone to tell me. But this could bring added drama and who knows what else to the situation. What if the H of the AP decides to take revenge on my H? What if he sends messages and emails to my H's boss and co-workers? He could lose his job. This doesn't do me any good...I need him to keep his job. What if the AP's spouse tries to harm my H? Do I really want that to happen? It's all so complicated.

what would be some suggestions to make the truth known. i know one of the spouses a bit, the others....never met...never had any reason to meet.

email?
letter?
Facebook post?
anonymous?

The way I see it is the AP never cared about how much pain he gave to you. He didn't care a bit about you. So why should he get any better from you. I would call his spouse and tell them everything. let him handle it. Pay back is a bitch. I called my wife's AP Spouse and she kicked him out that day. He called my wife and ask why i would do that to him. A nice guy like him How could I been so mean?

Because you never know who you would be dealing with, to remain safe, I would go anonymous. I would frame it as telling them that there is substantial evidence that their spouse is having an affair, that they might need to do some investigating. If you have any specific places where the APs meet, or specifics about how the APs contact each other, how they cover their tracks, handing the H that information might also be good.

If it wasn't for the fact that so many people are downright mean and crazy in this world, I would tell the person in person (not anonymous). But I have had some very bad things happen with crazy people who became violent over nothing, so I would imagine that something like informing someone that their spouse is cheating could be quite inflammatory.

It may sound good, but why invest anything into the AP, or their spouse? They just happened to be the one available at the time your unethical spouse decided to act on their feeling of entitlement. Put your energy into you, let everyone else, including your spouse, deal with their own dirty laundry.

You can't manage anyone's life but your own. Outing them won't help you live an authentic life. Put your focus where it belongs, in your own life. Don't waste the energy.

I am a firm believer in telling the cheater's spouse.

I know the OW's husband. So it was probably easier for me. We met. We talked. He knew she was cheating, but he didn't know who the guy was. My H was on his short list.

The guy was so grateful. I have a friend for life! But we've not spoken to one another since.

He deserved to know. Since my H and the OW work together, I appreciated having this guy's help.

These people deserve to know. I so wish someone had told me.

Even if someone had contacted me anonymously, I would have so appreciated it.

No one likes to be the chump. There are so many ways one can tell.

If you are looking for revenge, there are better ways!

I wish I had told the guy sooner. I had a friend influence my decision to tell. Stupid. It ended up being the smartest thing I did.

My CS's AP's didn't have spouses. If the did they would have been given a heads up to look into their spouses "closet" because there are skeletons in there.
I don't know if I would hand it to them on a silver platter. I worked hard for this information.

I think that we have a moral obligation to tell the AP's spouse, under the social contract we make in order to enjoy a just society. If we want other people to support and respect our marriages (as we obviously do), then we have to do the same for them.

That said, Candice makes a good point: If outing the AP will cause MORE damage to your own life, then discretion is the better part of valor.

How to do it? However best gets the point across. Many spouses choose to bury their heads in the sand. That's okay. Convey the information, and let the spouse do with it what they want. Your obligation goes no further than to convey the truth.

I can't quite wrap my head around the notion of 8 APs. EIGHT? My wife had only one, and I am completely unhinged. I can't even fathom trying to cope with eight.

one of the statements people make against outing the affair is
"it is trashing someone"

it is interesting that society judges those that choose to trash themselves via an affair less harshly than a betrayed person that takes issue with being betrayed

was talking to MC last evening and told the MC that the two angriest thoughts i have about the As are
1. fantasy of having my own revenge affair
2. outing the APs to their BSs

she said if my motive is anger and revenge for outing, i should sit on that action as it wont help me in my healing or in my anger

she said if at some point i could come to that decision from a point of compassion for the OBS, then , at that point it may be the right thing to do for me , in my situation

I just had a great Idea. I should open up my own practice. Anyone that wants to tell the AP spouse, get a hold of me and I will knock on there door and give them all the info. They can do with it as they please. That way nobody knows that you had anything to do with it. Let them be mad at me. I have no problem with that. Give me feed back!!! LOL

I and the AP's wife were told by an anonymous person. Neither of us had a clue and we are both eternally grateful. We needed to know what our spouses were doing.