Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
For those who havent heard of my story, here it is in my journal section under "My Story":http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3039556/journal
I wrote this entry in Breakups and Divorce and I am doing it as well here because honestly this feeling of guilt is eating me inside. Somehow, I know that others expressed that what i am feeling is normal, I feel such guilt. I feel that the whole deterioration of my relationship was my fault. Everyone here has been so supportive but please dont be afraid to tell me I am the crazy one or that I am wrong.
I woke up in such a panic today at 4 am, my heart was beating fast and all of the sudden, the tears started to fall. I felt so alone in this apartment where we once lived together.
I woke up in a panic, because I don't know what it is but I still feel it was my entire fault. I should of never put my hands on him or threatened him with a knife, no matter how angry I was at him. When will this get better?
NEVER HAVE I EVER, put my hands on him, but since I am going to counseling, I asked my therapist that how come even though i was never like this, why was I like this now. I explained to her that in the beginning of our relationship, when he would get angry, he would punch walls or slam things on the floor and all i did was cry. Then surely I began to do the same too, it was as a learned behavior, I know I am an adult and that I should take responsibilities for my own actions.
But I am not seeing how as much i wanted to be in a great relationship, it wasnt great either, he would punch walls and scream and i would throw things at him. He swore he would never do it again and so forth.
I guess I am just feeling guilt. He probably left because he found a healthier relationship elsewhere, with someone that he could not yell at or be angry with. It still hurts though.
It's unfair that he was able to leave without dealing with anything, I had to take down all the pictures, delete all the videos, even throw out all the gifts I had given HIM, since he left them there in a garbage bag for me to see. I had to be the one deciding what to do with the wedding album and video.
Despite all of this, It's just so painful to think that he is out there, not caring 1 inch about the 6 years we had. How is it possible for someone just do that?
I wrote this entry in Breakups and Divorce and I am doing it as well here because honestly this feeling of guilt is eating me inside. Somehow, I know that others expressed that what i am feeling is normal, I feel such guilt. I feel that the whole deterioration of my relationship was my fault. Everyone here has been so supportive but please dont be afraid to tell me I am the crazy one or that I am wrong.
I woke up in such a panic today at 4 am, my heart was beating fast and all of the sudden, the tears started to fall. I felt so alone in this apartment where we once lived together.
I woke up in a panic, because I don't know what it is but I still feel it was my entire fault. I should of never put my hands on him or threatened him with a knife, no matter how angry I was at him. When will this get better?
NEVER HAVE I EVER, put my hands on him, but since I am going to counseling, I asked my therapist that how come even though i was never like this, why was I like this now. I explained to her that in the beginning of our relationship, when he would get angry, he would punch walls or slam things on the floor and all i did was cry. Then surely I began to do the same too, it was as a learned behavior, I know I am an adult and that I should take responsibilities for my own actions.
But I am not seeing how as much i wanted to be in a great relationship, it wasnt great either, he would punch walls and scream and i would throw things at him. He swore he would never do it again and so forth.
I guess I am just feeling guilt. He probably left because he found a healthier relationship elsewhere, with someone that he could not yell at or be angry with. It still hurts though.
It's unfair that he was able to leave without dealing with anything, I had to take down all the pictures, delete all the videos, even throw out all the gifts I had given HIM, since he left them there in a garbage bag for me to see. I had to be the one deciding what to do with the wedding album and video.
Despite all of this, It's just so painful to think that he is out there, not caring 1 inch about the 6 years we had. How is it possible for someone just do that?
In a healthy relationship, the partner should communicate their dissatisfaction without an abusive scare tactic.
Guilt is one of the many emotions people experience after a breakup, it's very normal.
You feel guilty because you feel if you were different, he would still be around (to abuse you more).
The fact is, I sincerely doubt if you were any different that HE would be different.
I spent many more years than I care to admit in an abusive marriage. I kept trying to make things better. If I was a better lover, housekeeper, etc, then things would be better in my marriage. The truth is, it doesn't work. The abuser has to want to change. They have to see their behavior as wrong and in need of correction. I'm guessing by the little I learned about you above, he probably left because you just weren't as much fun to push around anymore because you fought back.
I'm also willing to bet that his new "relationship" is only better in his mind. He may claim to be happier than he's ever been before, but if you talk to her, I'd guess she would report his out of control temper and other things that she will now try to fix,
You can't fix them. Don't even try. I left my now ex and yes he is changing. Will the damage caused by his temper and drinking ever be fixed. No way. But maybe he will be a happier person. I know that now that I'm out of that situation, I'm a much happier person.
We keep on saying that you were in a classic abusive relationship and that you need help.
Are you getting it? You need to stop looping.
Yes I do get he was abusive. I get it. But I sometimes feel like I contributed to him leaving. I am just trying to get a peace of mind. I come here to express how I feel because it is the only place I can go to with out being judged but I guess this isn't the place for me
What I wrote was my honest response. I don't think I was mean or anything.
I only get upset with/about/for you because I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling situation once. Nobody shook me. I only endured 2 years. I don't want to see you hurt yourself when he did a good enough job already.
I hope you realize that you're finally on the road to peace. It took me a year to finally talk myself off the edge and then another several years to deprogram his crap out of my head. I'm finally okay. How long were you with him? The only way to start healing is to get him out of your life for good, go through all the steps of grief, and then find out what cause you to allow him to treat you like that.
Take care.
But... I couldn't have possibly be blamed for everything!
I know its easier said than done, but you have to stop blaming yourself or reliving that past moment of bad judgement, and stop focusing- because you will obsess to the point that it is not good for your health, or your recovery, and you will go in these endless cycles of the same feelings, same emotions, same pattern- you have to break the pattern.
Take everything about him and throw it away- even the stuff he left in your apartment. Change it from the "apartment we used to share" to "your space"- your comforting place to come home to just be yourself and that is everything you like, and nothing else.
This is your chance to create the life you want, without having to get someone else's permission or opinion or say so. You can be 100 percent the person you want to be, and in being true to yourself, you can also start to build a life that you love. Is there a dream job you can aim for? A place you would want to move to? A vacation you've always wanted to go on?
It doesn't have to be a bad thing, or any disrespect to your past. But its in the past for a reason, and be grateful that you are no longer stuck in limbo. As far as your husband, he is over exaggerating your one moment of poor judgement that resulted in you to do those things that you regret today, trust me- we all have those moments, some of us are just too embarrassed to put them on paper, and not nearly as brave as you to admit. He is using that as his golden ticket to convince himself he can walk away without feeling guilty, to justify the way in which he treated you, and that is on him- and him alone.
You seem like a wonderful person, but you also seem like me, a person who puts everyone above themselves. A wonderful daily devotional, not even very religious if at all, is "The Language of Letting Go"- its really for recovering codependency issues such as alcohol, addiction, etc. But just taking that small amount of time out of my day to remind myself that I am in control of me, and no one else is such a welcome reminder- don't quit taking care of you.
My blvd: :sigh: thank you for those encouraging words.i want to move on, it just hurts you know? But everyday I will try hard to start worrying about myself
Jgarc, please forgive me in advance if my post below feels too harsh or strong. I truly feel for you and your post has touched me. I wish to share my ideas below because I hope that in some small way one idea might help you.
So true, you can't change the past. You hurt yourself when you re-live it, dwell on it, beat yourself up over it. It's healthy to think things through and analyze and learn from past events, but unhealthy to never let go of it and to never improve, grow, get better. It is very difficult to drive forward while looking only in the rear-view mirror.
You've paid your dues and punished yourself enough. You deserve to be happy. You're a good person, the fact that you have agonized over this. You may feel that you need to dwell on things to punish yourself and to make sure you never do it again. That's understandable and most people feel like that. But there does come a time to move on from that and not stagnate. I believe that the best way to "correct" mistakes you've made in the past is to become a better person... stronger, happier, balanced. If you are healthy and balanced, you are less likely to repeat any mistakes. And if you become a healthy and happy person then something good has come out of your mistake. If you dwell, nothing good comes out of your mistake.
Please try to work on forgiving yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes really bad ones. I am sure you can think of things others have done that are way worse than what you did. You did one thing once, one-off. Many people make mistakes serially, over and over.
You can make lemonade from lemons. The lemon of your relationship with your H has a silver lining. Something good can come out of your pain if you try to make lemonade. You can't change the lemon, so really all you can do is try to make lemonade. It has been a shock, and this shock can now be the origin of a new life for yourself. You are now free to blossom, grow, and fulfill your potential. Nothing in nature grows without a struggle (unfortunately). This is an opportunity to improve your life. Something good can come out of it.
I wish you courage and calmness.
Stand tall, d