As i was told before it not uncommon for people to cheat down rather than up. The smuck my wife cheated on me with was a fat big nosed crooked toothed fool that played so many women while my wife was sleeping with him. It also destroyed my self esteem and thats normal for you to feel that. Im still having a hard time with it but in my head i also laugh at her for choosing this kind of looser to cheat on me with. He truley is a piece of shit. I know without a doubt that this dude wasnt any better than me in bed, for one I know what my wife likes and what she dont like ive been with her for 20 years. You cant beat yourself up over this.

You both described the man who I got mixed up with. The thing is, he knew all the right things to say. He had all the tricks. Apparently I'm not the only one, because lots of others have fallen for him. I don't know what to tell you about this except that you are not alone.

And, my husband cheated on me with someone 18 years younger than he is. The thing is, he even said she wasn't a pretty girl. He wasn't kidding. She is very overweight and not even pretty in the face. It would be different if he fell in love over time with her personality because I'm not a model by any means, but to just be obsessed with screwing her at the risk of breaking up our family made no sense to me.

People cheat down. It's not about the sex or the looks of the other person. It's feeling superior lots of times all ego.

I know exactly what your talking about. When I found the picture of the ow on face book I cried and ask "he fu**ed around on me for that!" Before I saw her pic I pictured a beautiful woman with a better body, better boobs, the whole nine yards.. but then I found her pic and was like wtf! It is truly a self esteem crusher when the other person is so ugly. I'm sorry for your pain and just know in time it will get better. Hugs to you!! keep your chin up!

Both of the OW in my situation were much less attractive. I don't mean that to sound conceited, but I'm pretty sure everyone here knows what I mean. It's almost like a second slap in the face, seeing what they decided was worth losing you over. I have never really felt like I'm not pretty, but seeing those women really made me a lot more critical of myself. "If he cheated on me with THAT, then I must be a lot worse than I thought!". It's hard, I know. You just have to remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you being "not good enough". You are MORE than good enough, and there is something wrong with her, and not you. She didn't cheat on you because of your looks, your sexual ability, or your personality. She cheated on you because she has a problem. It had nothing to do with you at all.

They generally cheat down. It makes them more attractive as the op is assumibly more attentive.

Comfort yourself however you like, and it sounds like your wife's choice isn't too enthralling. However, this "cheating down" stuff ....is a crock. It is convenient and catch all and it showcases the bruised egos that all we who have been cheated on harbor. This belief deflects from the real issues.
Not all OP's are barking dogs... but it DOESN"T MATTER what they are or aren't.
The realty is: Our lying cheating whoring mates want..... someone else. They want a change. They want to sneak around.

Possibly....anyone will do? I could not say for sure since i honored my partner with fidelity. If I was unhappy I would have tried to fix the problem with my mate, and failing that, divorced and then looked for a partner,. I am not sure how the ones who do it in reverse think, or even if they do think.
It was NEVER about the OP . It is about the sleeze factor of our not so honest and decent mates..... and nothing more. No one made them cheat, no one made them sneak.... it was certainly NOT any quality the OP possesses. Rather, it is the moral degeneracy of the cheating mate that is the issue.
Blaming the OP, comparing yourself to the OP..... ridiculous exercise in distraction. The cheating spouse is the issue, the OP is a straw man.
If the OP is such a loser, imagine how well all of us will do when we wise up, drop the lying cheater we have wasted years with, get divorced and enter the dating arena as the gorgeous, faultless, brilliant sexy and incomparable beings we all obviously are.

My ex also cheated down. In one of our talks, he said, "It's not always about looks."

I now realize the ow has low self-esteem and hangs on his every word and breath--something that I would not do. My ex is also insecure and needed someone to listen to him all day and night and hang on his every word. He can keep her. I now know I am so much better off without him. Let those two insecure types hang together.

Please try not to project anything into the cheater's choices. Chalk it up to the cheater is a needy, selfish, insecure person. You deserve better.

Hugs!

To me cheating down or up doesn't matter. They cheated! They have the morality of ally cats and don't seem to care who they hurt. There are plenty of cheaters,both men or women. I've heard every excuse you could think of,like most of us have. Please don't let ANYONE define who you are with their actions. Yes,it hurts like hell and we feel degraded and lost sometimes BUT, we didn't make the other person cheat and lie. They decided to let their crotch lead them to someone else's bed. They are self absorbed asses who care about themselves. Take responsibility only for what you do. I hope you see some clarity soon and realize, you are NOT the moron here.

Generally (with very few exceptions) an affair begins before it becomes sexual.

It begins with talk (often validation, flattery), flirtation, etc.
It escalates from there....down the slippery slope.

Woman do not ask a man for a penis size measurement prior to deciding to have an affair. The also have NO idea whether the OM will be a good sexual partner, All of this is a byproduct of an affair.

Thank you all so much for the help. Hugs to all of you!!

There is more salt on the wound because this fellow was an old fling that she returned too. There must be things she missed about him. The self esteem destruction is not just from comparison. The fact is I joined up on some single sites and not that many women are really looking to jump in with a half divorced thirty something with 2 kids with no money or free time, no matter how fit or handsome I try to be.

There is jealousy I have towards both of them. For years she got her cake and ate it too. She has men to fill every need. I do all the hard responsible work and financial struggle. They just get to play.

I want to trade places with this guy so bad. All he does is work, reap the rewards and play. He owns a huge house. Has a garage full of toys, motorbikes and sportscars. He does not have to burden of responsibility or full time job of fatherhood. He never showered my wife with gifts or had to buy lobster dinner to get laid. She just throws herself at him. Sexual experience that I could only dream of is willfully gifted to him with no strings attached. He's given all access to some pornographic sex goddess and I get verbally abused. For me is all work and no reward. For him it's just free reward.

I love my kids and would never trade them for the world, but I wish I could be that little dick loser. I wish that I knew what it was that he was doing. I wish my wife lusted for me the way she does for him. If there was something I do that's preventing that then I wish I could stop. If it's not something physical then isn't it something I could learn? Maybe she just likes to be treated like a whore, hell I could do that? Something about being with a good man makes her feel shame or guilt maybe.

I guess the bottom line is I try to learn from this and I just can't understand it all.

I can very much relate to the insecurities you currently feel.

It will take time to rebuild your self esteem. Nothing I can say will make that happen. Time is the best healer. You can help it along by doing the standard advice which goes for just about anything.

-Take care of your health......eat well, exercise, hydrate, rest.
-Work toward achievable goals......set a few tangible goals for the upcoming year (take a class, new fitness challenge).
-Reconnect with old trusted friends and develop new ones
-Get involved! (civic organization, charity)

The more you work on yourself, the sooner your esteem will improve.

Oh......you DON'T want to trade places with that OM. It may feel that way now, but down the road you won't.

You are a young man with a long future ahead of you. Don't rush into a new relationship. You will find the right woman in time. Now you have a better idea of what NOT to look for.

Hang in there.

My ex cheated with the ugliest transvestite imaginable. The thing followers around town because it knew my vehicle. When asked he said he did not know it was man. I tried to slap his head off. IM glad I left hi lying closet ass. Be careful ladies he visits this site...

Cheating down is not.the issue cheating is the issue

Like many have said, cheating up or down isn't the issue. When BS is aware their CS had an affair with a better looking person you feel insecure. When your CS cheats down you feel insecure. What ever situation you are in you wish it to be the opposite. I felt this way, still do times. Why did he sleep with some nasty ugly b*tch? But I can also sense the same pain if she had been pretty, "I must be unbearable to look at ".

Hope that makes sense.. Either way it hurts.

Betrayal is terrible pain. We try every which way to explain it to ourselves, to recover, to heal. I wish the ones who put us in these positions had some guts or decency.