Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Permission to be Happy

Allora
Allora
There are always conversations that get tossed around (or at least comments) about how the CS was "selfish" and the BS was "selfless". Givers/takers, etc. The basic theme is, at some point, a cheating spouse said, "I want to be happy and this might make me happy so I'm going to do it."

Not saying it was right or that it worked, but on the flip side, I see a lot of BS stuck in their heads and unable to reach out for their own happiness. I don't mean selfishly or in a destructive way, but just in the sense that they can't seem to give themselves permission to be happy.

(And yes, I am speaking from personal experience.)

The betrayed spouses I see here who have recovered most fully/quickly seem to be those who either already knew how or who quickly learned how to allow themselves to be happy again. I don't mean instantly or right away. They delved into the dark stuff... but then came out the other side.

An example: a betrayed spouse who decides to get fit again - not necessarily because that's the excuse the wayward spouse gave for cheating, but because s/he knows s/he will feel better about him/herself in doing so. Or going back to school or focusing on new hobbies/careers, or on outright leaving their spouse and starting fresh.

To some extent this can even be applied to those who haven't really changed much in themselves, but have really gone out of their way to find answers and help educate/support their spouse in his or her personal development.

What do you think? Do you think that betrayed spouses who struggle with healing are those who can't give themselves permission to be happy? And if so, what steps can be taken to set off on that path? Is it just a mindset that can't be overcome?
Learningskills
Learningskills
Oh, Gab, I forgot to say as I was typing speedily, I'm sorry you had to learn that way. I think that finding our own propensities, weakness, immaturity and folly is tough. Like I said, pain is a powerful teacher. I know that people can learn from it, I have, though not necessarily from the same perspective. So, if you have learned, it appears you have, then it is time to send the past to the past. We do all make mistakes in life, that's where learning comes from. Thing is, that though we learn, we do carry the memory, that burden of history, maybe as an internal example of what not to do. If it is that, and it is only that, then ok. The "most" important thing is today. I believe that you can never revoke nor alter the past. But, you can learn from it, and become a far happier and balanced person. And, if you're lucky, and I think you are, you don't lose too much in the learning.
Learningskills
Learningskills
Allora: Do you mean a BS who leaves? Or a BS who stays? I think that may well be very different.
Learningskills
Learningskills
Allora: I really think that like any other devastating, surprising loss in life, it takes a bit to mourn the losses. I mean, folks are usually upset and depressed when they lose a loved one right? So, I think that there is the mourning time to consider. And, if the BS remains with the CS for whatever reason, then it seems likely that it would take longer to grieve. Why? Because they are staring the loss in the face every day. Just because it is the most reasonable choice to remain in the relationship, does not mean that the losses didn't occur. And, living in the face of loss each day can take a bit to disentangle. And, then there is the mistrust that is now prominant in the relationship to consider. That is a powerful downer too.

On a personal note, I think it took me far longer to recover than it might have. I believe that is mostly due to the fact that I wasn't sure if I was going to stay for long. So, I wrestled quite a lot with myself about whether or not the losses incurred were going to disable the relationship in my perspective for the longhaul. I stayed to get a feel for that, and other reasons. So, I couldn't "really" begin to get on with life as a whole, becuase I was dealing with a huge irritant. I did do that in time though. I came to the conclusion that the losses, though huge, did leave at least a viable companionship. And, since I knew for a fact I would "never" involve myself in another relationship, it just might be the best option for a reasonably comfortable life.

My H knew that was the case. I didn't lie to him about it. I let him know that he had destroyed something irreplaceable and that our relationship had changed irrevocably. I felt it was my duty to let him know that, so that he could decide whether or not he would rather try another relationship than to accept the changed one.

So, I think it has a lot to do with how much damage has been done. In our case, it really messed up the "romantic" works of the relationship. That part, was irrevocably lost. The companionship of increased age remained. And, when I accepted those facts, I got on with life and other things. Anger spent. Grieving done. Find other good things to do.