I think its tough being happy when your hopes and dreams are crushed by the one person that is suppose to protect you and be by your side - if you have children - for each child - it makes it 1x harder - so if you have 2 children - its 2x harder and so on.

I think for myself - my pride and knowing I was a good guy has made it easier but it still has challenges in the department of trying to be there in every possible way (play the mommy daddy role) when I have my boys and then let them go when I don't have them - the death of the family is what's hard.

If I was single I would thank the lord and all the stars that I found out my STBX is a super shallow selfish idiot and be done with her - wipe her out of my life - but the fact I have 2 kids - has made it that much harder because when I am not with them - that hurts. Its a no win situation.

Anyone who goes through this and doesnt have kids - my advice is to cut this idiots our of your life to save your life and be glad you found out now you were married to a shallow idiot.

I'll admit it...you hit close to home for me. I just fake a smile everyday. Even with my kids, it's hard to be happy...when wifey cheated on me, we had JUST had our 2nd child. He was my first son...my boy...and I couldn't enjoy his first year of life because of the affair she had with my ex best friend. I learned to suck up the pain and hold it in until people weren't around. I think it's become an automatic response now. I'll pretend to be happy, but inside I don't feel anything. When I smile, I don't mean it. I've replaced booze with excersize, and I lost 50lbs in 1 month from barely eating (granted, I'm a big guy, so that part wasn't too bad). I've been attending church. I've been trying to put positive things in my life...but the happiness...it doesn't feel the same. I know I have REASONS to be happy...but I don't feel happy. At this point, I want to feel anything...I think I broke myself...

I think once I stopped my one gal pity party and making everything about his A, I got into being happy. For me losingvweightvwas a huge accomplishment and something I've so desired for myself.

It is hard to work on ones self when we are so deeply embedded in self pity. The A is a horrible experience and can suck the will to be happy right out of us. We become almost complacent or comfortable in the place where all things focus on what the cs did, said or didn't do that day, that moment.

There needs to be a conscious decision to not let the cs or their A decide what your day will be like. While rebuilding a marriage or planning the end of it because of infidelity is an important factor in our lives, we must make the decision to have whatever day we can regardless of the A and whatever our cs did that day.

Sometimes ds can be. Great asset to the early days after dday and then again when the real healing is well on its way. But there is that space inbetween where being here every day can stunt our growth. It can be filled with triggers.

I know for me there were points where I was in a pretty good place and then I would read a post that would trigger me to be pissed at my H. Sort of like waking up from a dream where you fought with your spouse and then feeling anger even though it was just a dreammm

So all my rambling and I'm not sure what my point was lol. I think I made a few points but my here's my final. Being happy and doing for yourself is so important for the healing process.

Pink

Onyx - I have three kids. I don't think it was 3X worse - it was just the worst thing ever just because it was the worst thing ever. Besides, how does one quantify pain (or happiness?) It's hard. But I see what you're saying. It is hard to move on when you've been so betrayed by the person who was supposed to guard and keep your heart.

Sainted - YES.... yes.. "I think I broke myself" - THIS exact thing. I can feel content. I can feel moments of amusement. But bliss and joy are beyond my reach, and I KNOW it's ME - that it's something I need to be held accountable for, but I just haven't figured out how to fix that little broken part. It's almost like I've put a choke of some sort on my happiness level.

Pink: Mindfulness. Yes. Yesyes. This helps me immensely. Considering my options. I can choose to wallow in the sad parts of the moment, or I can choose to take a deep breath and look at something else that makes me happier.

It's frustrating to hear someone tell me, "Well, happiness is a choice," but you're right in that we can choose what we emotionally roll over in our heads on repeat. I mean, if a song is playing on the radio that I don't like, I flip the station, so why do I let myself keep playing the "bad thoughts" in my head instead of letting myself move on to something else? That's a choice I make. Thank you for the reminder.

It's a fuzzy line to allow myself to "feel what I feel" and yet to not get stuck there. I still don't know how to find the pure, raw joy I once felt, but I do know that I don't need to ruminate on all the bad stuff until it diseases my soul.

I guess I gave myself permission to be happy when I decided I just didn't care if this relationship continued or not. I stopped doing the humiliating dance of pick me and figured if that's what he wants, then so be it. I take care of me, and I don't worry about what he's doing. (unless it's going to effect my health). It freed me up from being the marriage police and it's allowed me to focus on my career goals. I just recently switched careers and I'm rebuilding that with all the attention it deserves.

I've drawn my line in the sand and if he crosses it, he knows I'm gone. The truth of the matter is, that I will probably go anyway, but that's because I don't feel the same way for him anymore. It's just not convenient to leave quite yet.

That's what I had to do. Give myself permission to be happy. Depression was not fun. So, I detached my emotions and lowered my expectations from him and got on with living. Feels good.

Allora, each and every reply was on point!!! Thank you, your responses actually brought tears to my eyes. I keep a big secret from my daughters of what their father chose to do that has financially hurt them in ways they do not know. Although divorced, I can not get over what he did to their financial future. But, I am tired of being the walking dead.

Great topic allora. I actually want to see if anyone out here feels this is true of their CS as well? I have moved on & become a better person, better wife & a better mother (thanks to IC). Yet he seems stuck, unable to forgive himself & he wont give himself permission to be happy.

It sounds very difficult to be happy with the reason for your pain walking around, going about their business, as if they didn't completely destroy you.

I'm not sure how someone successfully goes from faking happy to genuinely happy in that circumstance. I imagine, even if the BS comes to terms with it and moves forward, that seed of doubt planted there never goes away, so how can someone be truly happy?

If you get to the pt of "true happiness" then, say, ten yrs from now, when your remorseful CS goes out somewhere and forgets to answer the phone, etc...could be an honest mistake, but you're right back to this moment, when you panic and your gut feels funny. That diminishes the true happiness.

I think the sooner a BS gets on with their own life the better. I think that being in the presence of a cheater is depressing and it's hard to be in a good mood with them around. I think that BS only remains unhappy until they've made a clear decision about what to do about the CS. When they decide for sure, they feel better. I think it takes some time to get over the destruction of an entire, often large, span of time.

Thank you for mentioning the CS side of this, isitjustme. From my own CS perspective I broke myself and I broke myself bad. I have such a deep sadness and remorse and I cannot rectify who I am with what I did. Accepting forgiveness is very hard. It took me 11 mos to even begin to do that.

The guilt and shame makes it hard to give permission to be happy. I have a theory that both the BS and the CS are looking for a way to feel safe again post Dday. Sometimes that sense of safety doesn't come from the right place. Self-punishment can become a source of that safety for the CS and it is easy to get stuck there.

Gabrielle: I find your response interesting. I can agree that feeling safe is a big deal, and likely for both. I know that as a BS I didn't feel the least safe. And, I'm pretty sure that any safety my H had previously felt was out the window too. You mention guilt and shame, along with permission to be happy. Can I ask a question? How did you manage to be happy and deal with guilt and shame before the A was exposed?

Gabby, our MC has been reenforcing the point that we both want to know the other person is going to be there when we need them. Meaning, "can i count on you?" Of course i still have some small doubts about that. I wonder if these doubts are what cause him to react to me differently. He may sense my lack of faith in him and then he may wonder if i continue to have those doubts will i remain here with/for him. Could be a vicious circle..?

Sheen, This is a very hard question. I put a lot of myself into answering that question and I saved it as a journal entry. I have shared it here on other threads in the past. It is called, "Not Why But How." It has helped some BS's who have read it. Here is the link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/602693/journal/3778455

isitjustme, I'm guessing your H does indeed sense your lack of faith in him. Worse, he probably doesn't know what to do about it. Has he read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual For the Unfaithful"? This book is merciful for men who are trying to rebuild because it is a short easy read, direct and to the point and it tells them what to do, gives them tools. Men need this. They are fixers, but they have to know how to fix it.

Gab: Thanks for sharing your memory of those things. I often wonder how folks manage to get from A to B, or even Z. I find your thoughts interesting. I think I've had an advantage in life, if it can be called that. I have been hurt very badly. I found I didn't like it at all. So, since I know that I'm human, like the rest of humanity, and since I know things hurt, I attempt to avoid inflicting that hurt onto others. Pain is likely the most affective teaching tool I have ever encountered.

I have been tempted (slightly) too. Maybe everyone has at one time or another? Yet, always in the back of my mind was fair play and the desire to avoid inflicting unneccary pain. I do thank God for that. I know I'm not always able to prevent hurting feelings, that is impossible. But on the obvious, the biggys, the main rules, I have yet to fail. And, given my age now, I think I've won that particular war. My H is so fortunate. He has never experienced the affects of betrayal. He will never know, not via me anyway, what that feels like. And, likely, he doesn't even have the capability to fully appreciate that fact. Just like people who have an abundance of food don't understand the pain of starvation. It may be observed, but not experienced.

In regard to the thrill-seeking adventures, I remember such an incidence not too very long ago. Remember, that not too long, since I've passed many decades, is more than a decade ago. My H had taken to heavy drinking, ignoring me, running with his friends, taking far too many things for granted. A coworker of mine was very attentive to me. He liked me. He was kind. He was considerate. He was very attractive. And, in ways, like most everyone, I was at least somewhat vulnerable. He made very slow moves and attempted to breach my boundaries. As you said, one can get caught up in such a game. When I realized my own vulnerability, I set an internal absolutely inpenetrable barrier. I will not allow any breaches of proper boundaries. Not. Won't. And, I can do that. I do have control of my own behavior?

I figured it something like this, if I am so discontented with my H, if our marriage is no longer acceptable, then I need to address that, and/or ask for a divorce. And, if my marriage is just ok, and I don't think it can be bettered, then I need to accept that, or entirely reject it, and get on with life. I believe that is because I have respect.

I have enough respect for myself, for my husband, and for the other person than to succomb to what I personally consider to be childish, inconsiderate, juvenile behavior. And, I certainly wouldn't endanger the future of my daughter, our child, to thrill seek. I searched myself and found that any "outside the norms of friendship" on the part of myself, or my friend, is disrespectful. If I thought of him as a cheater, I would disrespect him. If I thought of myself as a cheater, I would disrespect me. So, I allowed no disrespect within the friend relationship...period.

I mean, being who I am, I couldn't even imagine lying about such things to my H while looking in his face. Much less, climbing in his bed pretending to be a loving wife, when I've been intimate with another person. I'm not quite sure how anyone can do that? I know that if I consider doing something I even suspect might be grey, I ask myself a question, can you openly discuss this with him? If not, then doing it is not an option. I'd rather he not do something that he must hide from me, so how can I in all fairness do anything that I must hide from him? Not even reasonable.

I couldn't imagine wasting his life away, his youth, his vitality, his time, exchanging his future for a whim of mine. I could conjecture that if I only admitted the truth, he might find someone else who would honor him. If I really felt like I couldn't any longer, then I still feel that he has the right to have someone who would and could. He deserves that. I think we all do.

I have felt like it is not my right to make his decisions for him. Like, ah well, he's better off with half a wife than none at all? When, if I told the truth, he could see the whole picture and move on with his life free of my disabilities. I feel like if I do something I know will hurt him, and I were to choose to conceal it, then it is clear to me that I am seeking only my own interests and future and I am dictating his future. Who can do that?

So, though I can see the folly of your thrill seeking, I still don't see how anyone can justify that behavior. Sorry.