Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Is anyone here married to a Passive Aggressive?
if so, I'd like to ask some questions if that is OK, really like to hear your answers, I've been dealing with a PA husband for nearly 19 years, but only realized that he was PA about 6 years ago.
1. When did you realize that he/she was/is Passive Aggressive?
2. Are you still together?
3. What was your first tip off or clue that that something just wasn't right ?
4. If your still together how do you make it work, deal with him/her?
I was pointed in that direction through my best friend ,she had realized she was married to a Narcissist and the more we talked, she said something about my H being PA, I looked it up, and I can't even describe how I felt when I realized that all these years of never knowing what the hell was going on in my marriage , that it was not me, it was the crazy making.
One of the traits of PA is infidelity, I could never understand why my husband cheated on me it just never made any sense to me, I know we all think that, to me cheating is a cowardly act, I call it cheating, I never call it an affair, to me that makes it sound less than it is.
I read all I could/can find on the subject, and it all made sense to me, perfect sense, one article specifically touched base on why some PA's are unfaithful, they may not do it because they are in love with the OW/OM, like in my husbands case , he did it to get back at me, to spite me , for what ever wrong I did, it's payback,it sounds childish.
But like all of us on here I think , the whole cheating thing never made/makes any sense, at least not to me, I mean I tried to narrow it down as to why, did he love her , no. Was it great sex, he said no, but I am sure he 's not going to tell me otherwise, right ? She sure the hell was not attractive , not even close ,she was this nasty skanky piece of trash, so I am like why, you have to have a reason why you did it ,you just don't decide one day to flush your marriage down the toilet with not good reason, I mean that's the way I think.
After reading everything I can get my hands on I could go on forever telling stories about his PA ways for nearly two decades, it was real eye opener, that's for sure.
I would love to hear feedback and stories from fellow BS here.
Side note: Has anyone watched Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on the OWN channel, I watched a few segments the other day and it made me sick, the reasons that the husbands came up for cheating, one guy on there I just wanted to reach through the TV and strangle him.
All the husbands on this particular segment , were complete a**holes. I mean one guy said the more his wife wanted to spend time with him made him want to cheat on her more, because with the homewrecker he was hooking up with , he didn't have to deal with kids, the wife, responsibilities of being a husband and father, with her , it was all about him, she was fun, out going, never in a bad mood blah blah..
I don't know about you all on here, after all is said and done, cheating exposed and the lies and stupidity are out in the open I just remember screaming at my husband, "Don't you think I wanted someone to tell me I am beautiful, and make me feel wanted, to be loved and cherished not treated like a door mat, and have a great intimate life and not have to worry about being an adult, wife , mother , the only difference between you and I, is that I wanted that someone to be you my husband, never once did I ever think about stepping outside our marriage, not matter how bad things got, how bad you treated me, made me hate myself, doubt myself, I never wanted anyone else or thought about anyone else, I would never do that to you, because I have that much respect for you "
I asked him '"How could you do that to me ,all these years ,during the time you were cheating, I was at home , begging you to come home after work ,crying, bending over backwards to make things better, how could you come home day after day and look me in the face and lie to me, sleep next to me ,as if nothing is wrong ,how , why?
To this day I never got an answer, it's been almost 5 years, he still can't talk about ,he can't give me the answers I need, want, maybe he doesn't know why he did it , i don't know I will probably never know the whole truth.
if so, I'd like to ask some questions if that is OK, really like to hear your answers, I've been dealing with a PA husband for nearly 19 years, but only realized that he was PA about 6 years ago.
1. When did you realize that he/she was/is Passive Aggressive?
2. Are you still together?
3. What was your first tip off or clue that that something just wasn't right ?
4. If your still together how do you make it work, deal with him/her?
I was pointed in that direction through my best friend ,she had realized she was married to a Narcissist and the more we talked, she said something about my H being PA, I looked it up, and I can't even describe how I felt when I realized that all these years of never knowing what the hell was going on in my marriage , that it was not me, it was the crazy making.
One of the traits of PA is infidelity, I could never understand why my husband cheated on me it just never made any sense to me, I know we all think that, to me cheating is a cowardly act, I call it cheating, I never call it an affair, to me that makes it sound less than it is.
I read all I could/can find on the subject, and it all made sense to me, perfect sense, one article specifically touched base on why some PA's are unfaithful, they may not do it because they are in love with the OW/OM, like in my husbands case , he did it to get back at me, to spite me , for what ever wrong I did, it's payback,it sounds childish.
But like all of us on here I think , the whole cheating thing never made/makes any sense, at least not to me, I mean I tried to narrow it down as to why, did he love her , no. Was it great sex, he said no, but I am sure he 's not going to tell me otherwise, right ? She sure the hell was not attractive , not even close ,she was this nasty skanky piece of trash, so I am like why, you have to have a reason why you did it ,you just don't decide one day to flush your marriage down the toilet with not good reason, I mean that's the way I think.
After reading everything I can get my hands on I could go on forever telling stories about his PA ways for nearly two decades, it was real eye opener, that's for sure.
I would love to hear feedback and stories from fellow BS here.
Side note: Has anyone watched Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal on the OWN channel, I watched a few segments the other day and it made me sick, the reasons that the husbands came up for cheating, one guy on there I just wanted to reach through the TV and strangle him.
All the husbands on this particular segment , were complete a**holes. I mean one guy said the more his wife wanted to spend time with him made him want to cheat on her more, because with the homewrecker he was hooking up with , he didn't have to deal with kids, the wife, responsibilities of being a husband and father, with her , it was all about him, she was fun, out going, never in a bad mood blah blah..
I don't know about you all on here, after all is said and done, cheating exposed and the lies and stupidity are out in the open I just remember screaming at my husband, "Don't you think I wanted someone to tell me I am beautiful, and make me feel wanted, to be loved and cherished not treated like a door mat, and have a great intimate life and not have to worry about being an adult, wife , mother , the only difference between you and I, is that I wanted that someone to be you my husband, never once did I ever think about stepping outside our marriage, not matter how bad things got, how bad you treated me, made me hate myself, doubt myself, I never wanted anyone else or thought about anyone else, I would never do that to you, because I have that much respect for you "
I asked him '"How could you do that to me ,all these years ,during the time you were cheating, I was at home , begging you to come home after work ,crying, bending over backwards to make things better, how could you come home day after day and look me in the face and lie to me, sleep next to me ,as if nothing is wrong ,how , why?
To this day I never got an answer, it's been almost 5 years, he still can't talk about ,he can't give me the answers I need, want, maybe he doesn't know why he did it , i don't know I will probably never know the whole truth.
I realized her PA-ness when I went to a week-long seminar and did family of origin work. Others talked about the people in their lives, and it was like a cookie cutter- just with different dough.
After years of trying to make it work, I cut ties. I got tired of reasoning with Crazy.
It's the "Poor Me" mentality that got me. I'd put up boundaries with her and she'd be like, "What did I do that was so wrong? I guess I'm this horrible person." Uh, Mom, you'd watch movies in your nightgown with no bra when I brought home company. You tell dirty jokes to my husband and in-laws. If I say to stop it, it's called respect- for me and yourself. But I'm the bad guy. (Why is it the Crazy drifts toward sex?)
There's reality, and then there's her world.
Hope this helps.
If I insisted on doing something somehow it went all wrong. Suddenly he had to work and couldn't go with me. We never went out to eat with another couple at night because things just seemed to happen. Since the divorce he has passively worked to cause me financial harm. As long as he thought he wouldn't get caught he would try to cause me some trouble. He poored me all the way thru the divorce to our daughter. I lost contact with her for three years because of that daughter daddy relationship. She is back in my life now and won't let her dad do that again.
Yes he was and will always be a serial cheater. When I found the extent of his cheating I divorced him.
We are still together. He also has narcissistic tendencies. He complains daily that he has to drive home in traffic, like he's the only one! And tells me I don't appreciate the fact that he does. Sounds sooo stupid, doesn't it?!
I used to just let things slide. I don't any more. I stand firm. He's a bully and standing up to him seems to be what he understands.
I don't want to divorce him, but I don't love him the same way. I don't think that he will cheat again. He knows that if he does I will expose him and his bitch. He will lose his family. He cares a lot about what people think of him.
I don't trust him. I am not as emotionally vested in him. He has changed me forever.
I will never forgive him. I have gotten a lot of flack on DS for saying that. If he had told his OW to find another job, or if he had left his, then
maybe I could. BUT they still work together. He insists they haven't had any contact outside of essential business, but she works on the same floor. How dumb does he think I am?
There are days when I think about all of this and feel like I am going crazy. I try to take care of myself best I can, keep a watchful eye, and make plans for the life I want and take steps every day to achieve that.
AND I have a revenge plan - just in case!
I have been labeled passive aggressive. I was sexually abused as a child. I did not cheat.
My wife is diagnosed narcissistic, she had sexual abuse as a child and was raped three times as a young adult.
Her affair was her craving need for attention and validation that she is sexy.
I just don't think you can easily connect the dots like you are trying to do.
My H has both these character traits, according to our MC. And after reading about this type of behavior, even my H has admitted he can see them in himself.
The quotes you have written could have come directly from my mouth. I am starting to believe what many have said, if somebody cheats it is because they wanted to, of course they are self centered and cruel. If they were kind or had integrity, they would at least be honest with their spouse. How arrogant to make choices that affect someone else so irrevocably, and to not even consider them.
I've dealt with plenty of PA people in my life. I would say that my X has a history of avoiding conflict, whether it was in marriage, with family, at work. He would walk around the block insteado of going straight down the street.
So, I suppose his PA actions played a part in his A, but, then again, being PA shouldn't make room to throw common sense and decency out the window.