Oh Wow, that is one huge question - how to get the love back that you had for him. If you can find the answer to that one...

You know, love can be such a solid thing yet such a fragile thing. Had you ever, in your wildest dreams, thought or imagined that you would NOT love your man? I am sure you could not fathom that, but now, here it is.

I have no answers for you, but I do extend my support to you. Your request is so simple and yet so profound. So huge.

L~

Thanks L for the support!!!

We really do need it. I don't want to end our marriage but I don't know what to do to save us. He has shown such remorse and regret for what he has done. He has held me as I cried, let me vent my anger and disappointment and confessed that his actions were so stupid and selfish. I just don't know how to get back the feelings for him. I really could use any suggestions and help!

Thanks again!!!

When my husband and I were seperated I had no idea he had and was having an affair, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. And at the time he believed he wasn't, and very well may not have been, but I like your husband refused to give up. We started "dating" again. He was doing it at first I think to humor me, but it worked, the more time we spent doing the things that we did when first got together and getting back to why we fell in love in the first place, the closer he got to me, and he fell back in love with me. I won him over, he came back to me, than everything came out and it all hit the fan, but I honestly think that "dating" almost like we had just meet was the fist step to saving our marriage, he says it is how I won him back. and know that I'm the one with the broken heart and lost and don't know what to do with his affair, he is doing the same thing I did, taking me on dates, and it is than and the days after a good date night that I feel the most connected to him.

Thanks Maggimay, you are giving me HOPE!!!!

Thank you so much. We are reading these replies and responding to them together. All ideas are very greatly appreciated!!!

Sending all my love and support to my DS family!!!
~S~

Although I don't think I feel the way I want to for my husband yet, I agree with what maggimay said. What do the two of you do to rekindle that flame? Have you taken a weekend getaway together since all of this happened? Gone on any dates? Think about the things you used to do to have fun back when things were good and start doing them again. Or, find something new you are both interested in trying and do it together. Do you ever have tickle fights? You laugh till it hurts AND get to touch each other ;) Bust out a water gun and do a sneak attack. Have some FUN! Cuddle up in bed. My H and I never used to do this. We'd have our goodnight kises and then we were off to our own sides of the bed. I always used to think I couldn't go to sleep all tangled up together. I was wrong. We've done a lot more spooning since we've been back together, and wouldn't you know, I fall asleep that way just fine ;) For your husband, he should grab your hand when you're walking somewhere, or come up behind you while you're doing the dishes and just put his hand around your waist or kiss your neck. I like that one myself ;)

I think there are all kinds of ways we can "bring back that lovin' feelin'" we just have to do it.

Wishing you both the best!

Thanks Natty for the advice! We have been having lunch dates for the last several months. We are also cuddling and spooning more. It is great to do that and fall asleep like that. I do have nights though that I sometimes find it tough to sleep next to him but those seem to be getting less.

We are on Spring Break vacation this week and are visiting family. We took our kids to Dauphin Island today and I saw a glimpse of how we used to be together. I also felt some stirrings of feelings for him today. My parents have told me that they see a changed man before them. They no longer see someone who takes me for granted and they see that he is scared and trying very hard to win me back.

I have a little hope back today. He has planned a night away for the two of us. Our kids will be staying with their grandparents and we are going to go to Biloxi. We don't get much opportunity to do this at home since we have no family near us and very few friends that I trust to keep our kids overnight.

He is being very attentive and more romantic which I think I need from him. I need to know in my heart and head that I am the only one in his life. I need to know that neither one of us is here in this marriage because it is "comfortable" and all we have known for 18 years.

We can no longer settle for "comfortable"! I can no longer have that! I know that I am capable of loving and being loved. I will have that one way or another. I only wish that he had talked to me instead of destroying us for 2 years

I'm glad I read this post. It has tremendous significance for me right now.

~L, "Your request is so simple and yet so profound. So huge." I like that statement because that's what I was thinking too. Right on.

Maggie..., I wholeheartedly agree that "dating" is a MUST if the two of them, or the two of us, or the two of anyone is to rekindle that flame. When we took time out last year for just the two of us, we found that friendship again. God that was nice. To just laugh and have fun. To rediscover ourselves. Unfortunately, we didn't do that anywhere near close to enough. And by not doing so, it's taken it's toll. We're suffering badly right now and we're not in such a great spot. I think you've brought up a very significant element that will help us along; damn we need it.

And Natty, the little stuff like you mention is exactly the kind of things I want to bring into our marriage. I love the...cough...cough...eh hem...spooning stuff (me being the spooner of course). I love the little fun banter around the house. That is, until I want it to stop. All the tickling and "joke on me" fun has to be on my terms. ;-p

Great ideas and a great subject. Maggie, I'd love to hear how your trip goes. I hope it gives you renewed love and confidence in your marriage.

I will also add that if there's any doubt or hesitation about your MC, then don't wait to find another one. If the "vibe" isn't right, then quickly make a change. To suggest you don't talk about the A at all for two weeks may not be realistic. It may actually be damaging, imho. Not that it's right, but our MC suggested we ask permission to talk about the A or schedule some time to do so. That way, you don't blindside your H when maybe he's having a really good moment. Just an idea.

-TheRule

When u find out let me know. I have been feeling the same way and hope it will somehow reappear. My skin crawles most the time.Give your MC another try and dont judge just yet. If you still are annoyed after the 4th visit maybe u should try another one.Good luck

I agree with what everyone has suggested. Dating again and just holding hands and feeling comfort from H has been really helpful for me and for us. I do recommend the book After the Affair as well - it will help both of you understand some of what the other is going through (our MC suggested it as well). As for the counselor, if she thinks your only problem is trust she may not be the best counselor for you. Any options for changing to a different counselor without a long wait time?

I think the fact that you are reading these replies together and responding to them together is a very good sign that maybe deep down inside you do still love him, and that you are desperately want to find those feeling again instead of shut them off forever and walk away is also a good sign that they are still there, they are just hiding deep down inside scared to come out because of all the hurt and pain they are hiding behind.
Every time someone tells me to give it time, or only time will help heal or some other happy horse shit about time I want to choke the living.... time out of them. So I can't believe I'm about to say this...but I think that in time if your husband is being as loving and supportive as he should be through all of this those feeling will stop hideing behind the pain. Sounds like maybe they are a little from more of your recent posts. and sense your hubby is reading this too I will tell him this, the best thing that my husband has been able to do for me is be patient, I know he is so tired of talking about it, but I need to and he has been so patient. and lots of I love you's, lots of incouragement... "I know we can get through this together" stuff like that. and when we aren't together a random email or text through out the day... I'm thinking of you, I love you... please forgive me.... can't stop thinking about how much I love you... " I know some of it sounds like what my 10th grade boyfriend used to do when he was trying to get in my pants... but it was cute when I was 14, and now with everything we are going through those little texts, or emails when I'm at work and maybe having a bad day, really help.

As for not discussing the affair for 2 weeks, I think that's crap, but I'm not a marriage counselor.... Ours told my husband that he needs to let me talk about it when I need to. I'm also getting one on one counseling from the same counselor depression has always been an issue in my life and needless to say it's pretty intense right now, I'm also dealing with the loss of my father just less than a year ago, that happened right before my husbands affair started, didn't he have great timing. Anyways I'm getting away from my point here.... I had told my counselor that between the affair, the anxiety of not knowing if the OW is carrying my husbands baby or not and my depression, I can hardly function. The affair is consuming every aspect of our life, it's all we talk about, the house is a mess all the time, I'm hardly able to function from day to day. I don't even want to talk about it, but we need to work through it. WOW I'm really rambling about my issues, and do actually have some advice from my counselor that might help you... she had told me that when we talk about it, or cry about it, when we are done, be done and as soon as we are done do something that represents life... go out for ice cream... go for a walk... watch your favorite show together... bake cookies. So maybe if not talking about the affair for 2 weeks isn't an option you can at least make sure that after you talk about it you are doing something that shows a sign of life. I know it is easier said than done, I know that after we talk about it I usually want to crawl into bed and cry... but we've been trying to put it away when the conversation is done and walk the dog or go for a drive by the lake, or something else that sounds equally as cheesy but it has helped to lift the cloud somewhat.

Thanks to all!!! You have given me some great advice. We are going to put some of it to practice on our trip. I will let you know how it goes. I am looking forward to being alone with him without our kids so that we can have some "us" time.

Rule - I think you are right. If the "vibe" isn't there then another counselor is needed. I intend for my first question to her at our 2nd session to be "Have you ever walked in my shoes with your spouse?" I am curious to learn the answer to that ???.

I have also learned that over the course of this week with my family, my 2 younger sisters do not even want to see me if he is with me. WTF!!! They told me that he is not welcome in their homes and one strongly stated that she does not want to even see me since I am still with him. I can understand their hostility but damn, act like a grown up! It is my marriage not theirs. This has put added stress on me since I evidently can't please them. My parents want what is best for me and are not making me choose. They are standing behind me no matter what decision I make. I wish my sisters would do the same.

Things have been very difficult between me and my best friend, she HATES my husband. I had to explain to her how hard it is on me knowing that my best friend hates my husband. I know it is out of love for me, but this is hard enough, and I need her to try to forgive him. I know she hasn't but she has laid off the "he's an asshole" comments. I havn't really been talking to her so much about the situation because I don't want her to hate him. It's really hard, she says she supports me, but I don't always feel that way. Today we actually talked for about an hour, about every thing under the sun, except my current situation, it was the first not tense conversation we have sense I sent her a 2page email explaining how hurt I had been feeling by how much she hates my H, I tried explaining to her in that email if she could only see how much he has changed and how sick he is over what happened, and how much he is trying to make it up to me and to make things right, how much he cries too... I don't know if it did any good or will help her move toward forgiving him... I don't know what will happen this summer when they have there annual memorial day bbq, if he will be welcome... I would hope she wouldn't put me in that position. and I am so sorry your sisters are putting you in that position. I think you need to let them know how you understand there anger is out of love for you, but what you really need out of there love for you is there unconditional support, and that you are trying to forgive your husband and you need them to try to forgive him as well. They are making a difficult situation twice as difficult, and as hard as it may be for them they need to swallow there pride and do this for you, because this isn't about them, it is about you and your husband and your marriage. You might want to phrase it a little more gently than I have here sense they are angry and hurting too.

Well, our overnight trip without our kids went very well. We talked and just spent time as a couple. We walked the beach and watched the sun set. It was very nice and relaxing. He kept in constant touch with me either by holding my hand or hugging me. He is trying very hard to remind me of why I loved him. We didn't discuss his affair. We made some new memories and are trying to build a new marriage. We have a long way to go. I have some hope that he can turn my feelings back to where they need to be. I glimpsed what we can have...hopefully!

As for my family, geez, where to begin.... I did tell my youngest sister that it is my marriage and that I want to try to salvage it. I am not ready to throw it away just yet. I told her that I did need their support but she wanted to harp on how if it was her.... well, I am not and she can't say what she would do either if faced with my situation. She said that our other sister nor her can understand how our parents can tolerate him or let him/us stay at their home while we were in town. I did talk to my mom about it some and she said that as long as my parents name is on the deed...MY family has a place to stay...no matter what my sisters think.

But get this...both of my sisters visited us at our parent's house today....go figure. It shocked me considering that my other sister did not even want to see me because I am trying to reconcile with him. This has been a very stressful week and I am glad to be back home. I am trying to not let it get to me and I hope that I can get back some of the peace that I had yesterday evening.

Thanks to all for listening!
~S~