I never imagined I’d be here living my own personal nightmare…again. I mean, I’ve sadly been cheated on multiple times by multiple partners in the past, but I truly didn’t think that would EVER be the issue with my current husband. We had issues sure. We were fighting. He has a temper as do I and it would get ugly. But we were set to go to counseling and work on it. We have three children together and have been married for five years now. A month before our anniversary he went out for a friend’s bachelor party and got wasted and ended up dirty dancing and then starting to have sex with a random OLDER woman. She is at least 20 years older than him. He didn’t “finish” the act if you catch my meaning, but sex is sex and cheating is still cheating. And devastating. So much more this time because I didn’t see it coming. I literally remember thinking one night after a fight that “it’s ok, we will get through this because at least he will never cheat on me”. And then he did.

He regrets what he did. He doesn’t know why he did it. He was so disgusted with himself afterwards that he sunk to the same level as his mother and brother. But he still did it. Nobody thought he would. He didn’t cheat on his first wife even tho he spent a great deal of time deployed and drunk. He didn’t cheat on the gf he had after his first wife even tho she cheated on him and was a major druggie. No. He cheated on me. Me who has always had confidence problems. Who has never felt good enough anyways. Who would have done anything in the world for him cuz I loved him so much.

I feel so stupid for letting my guard down and not being prepared for this. I mean, married men should not go out drinking cuz the temptation is there and they make stupid choices when they’re drunk. It’s not like he wasn’t getting it at home. Hell, we’d had sex just days before that night. If anything, he didn’t give me enough sex and that makes his infidelity hurt more I think.

It’s been six months now and it still hurts so bad. I still cry every day. Often I cry myself to sleep and have a hard time sleeping. I’m so depressed. It doesn’t matter what I do, I always end up thinking about what he did and picturing that night. It’s like my brain is intent on torturing me with the unending images. To make everything worse, this woman, who we didn’t know at all before, lives literally right next to my son’s school. Like what are the fucking odds right? So I have to drive by her house twice a day, every weekday. It’s literally killing me.

For the first week he lied his ass off but then a week later I found out everything. And how did I find out? Because the fucking woman decided to accuse him of raping her. Yeah. Welcome to my freaking life. He did not rape her and the charges were never even filed but the damage was done. She was married and ashamed of pursuing him so hard that night and she was seen by people she knew during “the act” so she decided to say that. So something that is incredibly painful and shameful to me and should have been private, suddenly wasn’t. I was forced to tell my friends and family before they found out through the grapevine. I had to tell them all the day I found out cuz that was the day the cops tracked him down.

Damn him for this. Damn him to hell. I’m so mad at him. So mad and so damn hurt. Why does this always happen to me?

He has been a completely different person since the incident. He has acted like the man I first met and fell for. His actions and behaviors are those of a man I could fall in love with. And I don’t even know if I can anymore. I’m so hurt. Why did it take this to change him into the kind of man he was and that I always needed? I don’t know if I can get over it. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again or love him. I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo and don’t know what to do. I punish myself by dieting and exercising my ass off but nothing makes me feel better. I’m just so damn sad. And he’s working away from home all week long and I’m alone here dealing with it. I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I don’t know if this is something I’m capable of getting over and staying with him.