I'm really sorry you're hurting. Try not to focus on what the OM is thinking or doing. That will only bring you more pain.

I hope you and your wife are in marriage counseling to repair the marriage.

Sending hugs of support.

My husband also went through (and is still going through) an intense amount of hurt and pain over what I've done. I understand this and am working every day to be sensitive to his feelings regarding all of this.

It's great you're working on these things. Therapy does help..ALOT. Do you feel she's in need of any 12 step work? That may help her..if she needs a friend I'm here..I've been there and may be able to help. I have nearly a year of sobriety under my belt..so..

Most of the people involved in affairs (I was one of them) don't think much about the lives they are affecting..it is a true and very sad fact. We are in it usually for selfish reasons.

One of the things I think I've taken from this whole ordeal is to work my own program..work my own problems and not to worry about what others are thinking or feeling unless it pertains to my current situation. Who cares what he's thinking? Do his actions control your life? Does anything he does really and truly MATTER to you and your wife? Is anything he's CURRENTLY doing affecting your marriage? I totally realize that this is going to take a long time to get past this...my husband still struggles all the time...I understand. But..getting to a point to where you realize "I'm only in control of what I do..no one else..but me." It really transforms your mindset. Your heart is going to hurt..a lot..my husband wants to murder the people I've been with. (seriously!) I dont know how that would solve anything..I think personally that murder would cause more problems than it's worth...but ultimately what I'm saying here is that by working on you..your feelings..your self care..your commitment to your marriage, all that you personally contribute..by doing that you really eliminate so much baggage. Why worry about things like what others think, do or say? Working on what's here and now...with you..within you..is key to progressing in positive direction. If you need someone to talk to...same for your wife..I'm here.

Hugs..Sherrie

I look at it this way. If he is not giving a second thought to it all and getting off easy, he is of men the most to be pitied. Just because he's swept it under a rug and not dealing with what he's done in no way means he is getting off easy. Rather, it will negatively affect all his relationships until he does face his demons. His life will not be what it could be, because he'll not be able to connect as closely and intimately as he should be able to with another human, friend or spouse.

The only way to heal a wound is to go through the painful process of cleaning it and bandaging it, and tending to it until it heals. Hide it under the rug, and the infection just grows and gets worse. At some point, that stuff hits the fan, and goes everywhere. I don't call that getting off easy. I call that stupid.

The other man doesn't have it good even though he has it easy. The other man is so sad and free of morals he tampered with a marriage.

The other man has nothing important enough to fight for.

Simply by wondering about om and allowing how "he's doing" creep into your day, you are handing him power over you.

Keep that in mind when he is in your head. Get a good visual to replace the one you have him doing well. Just put a picture of him laying in pig shit. Just a quick visual. Long enough to mele you smirk or even better chuckle. Then dispose of it and move on.

He is not worth more than a pile of pig shit in your life.

Hope you enjoy the thought.

He has taken up enough of your precious time-Let him go!

Easier said than done-but try for your sake.

Sending you support!

My OM went into the community boasted about his thophy, this one just one fact that caused the end to occur.

Yes he was a major factor.

Is OM married? I'd tell his wife for sure.

Thank you all for your replys and support. The OM I found out last night is divorced, his wife dumped him for OM.

@ huneybee, he is not married. Now we know why.

Today is a good day for me. Me and my wife had a nice conversation last night and she really opened up. I had to force her to but I was nice and civil about it. I know everything I need to know about the A and believe what she has told me. I did tell her that if something new comes up about the A at a later date that this would be the end of our marrriage. She told me I have nothing to worry about. She understands what she has done to me and owns up to it and is willing to do whatever it takes to help with the R process. At my request 1 week into this nightmare she found us a MC and we have been going 1 - 2 days a week. Not sure how long this will continue but we are in it for the long haul.

Hugs and support to all!!!!

I'm in a similar situation myself. I normally don't think of OM, but can't help it when I drive by his suburban neighborhood when I go to/form "home."

I somehow have learned to not devote my energies to thoughts of him--convinced myself that I can't do anything to change what's happened in a positive way (I'll leave the going negative to the politicians ;-) ). It takes time, and I hope you too can get to a similar place.

OM lives with his wife of over 30 years. I can't bring myself to tell his wife--I don't wish that pain on anyone. I don't know if he's 'fessed up or not, and really don't care at this point.

Please skip the rest of this post if you need to move on--otherwise here's my current situation:

"Home" is where my CS wife lives, with all our pets, gardens etc. (9 acres of beautiful rolling hills, a farmhouse and barns). I moved out 6 months ago on the day, I confronted her with the evidence of the affair. I now live in a small apartment in the city where I work.

Things are getting interesting now, as CS and I have agreed to see if we can make it work, with me moving back in the next month or so. We see each other on the weekends when I'm free to do yardwork, etc. It's always tense as we're trying to communicate again.

I was getting my hope up a bit recently, but today not so much. It's our 17th anniversary and she doesn't feel like having dinner with me.

Just may be the beginning of the end for us.

I agree that the OM does not likely focus on this.
For sure.....nowhere NEAR the amount of time a BS does.
He likely did not lose a lot of sleep etc.

However, like ANY villain or bad person, we seldom are concerned about what they are thinking. The OM's actions are very personal however, so it's natural to obsess over it.

It we can try to look at this OM more objectively........rather than personally, it might be easier to process it.

Just knowing that this scumbag is a scumbag........is just what it he is. He is just a scumbag, unfortunately it affected you.

Looking at it another way.
In the past, you may have dodged some bullets......avoided horrible illnesses, accidents. THIS TIME......dammit.........you got hit with one. A scumbag affected your life (and there are a MILLION of them out there).

The good news is.......YOU TOOK THIS BULLET AND SURVIVED. Now, you are BULLETPROOF.

You are wearing KEVLAR which was weaved from all of the shit you have been through.

Now....someone will need BIG GUNS to hurt you.....like 18 inch cannons.