I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you and your newborn are doing well.

Has he gone completely no contact with his affair partner, and has he allowed you full transparency with access to all his digital media, etc.? I ask because this is the first step a cheating spouse must take to climb out of the Fog and begin their own recovery process. The fact that he quit his therapy after only two sessions, tells me he doesn't want to be introspective or accountable for the affair. When a CS does not come to terms with what they've done, there is a chance they will recommit. If he has not offered transparency, or allowed you to view his texts, email, and anything to do with the infidelity, it is sometimes a sign that they have taken the affair underground.

Blaming his affair on depression is not a valid reason for having an affair; the two have nothing to do with one another. When a person is depressed, sexual desires wanes immensely, and the ability to perpetrate an affair is out of character. Affairs require a multitude of decisions, that are planned and plotted to play out in secrecy over a prolonged period of time. Often the characteristics associated with many cheaters is selfishness, entitlement, and opportunism.

The fact that he's looking for something to blame, other than his own character flaw, is telltale that he doesn't want to be accountable for his actions, and this is where the problem lies.

You need to decide for yourself, whether or not the relationship is worth salvaging. There are a lot of factors that will tip the scale in either direction, and only you can know what you can and cannot live with. If you decide that you want to reconcile, he must do his part, since he is the one who has caused this train wreck. Your part is to look after yourself, and to make sure you have what you need; his whining takes a backseat, especially if he's still in the fog and is not taking accountability for the infidelity. This is about you and what you need and want for your future, he forfeited that option when he decided to have an affair.

Most of the time an ultimatum can work well, and it goes something like this: 'This is what I need you to do in order for me to stay in this marriage.' You provide a list of things you need to see happen. If he agrees, then actions are what you're looking for, not blame, not whining, not acting depressed, no excuses permitted. If the actions are not forthcoming, then you have to revisit with him, and remind him of your agreement. If, after having to revisit for a third time, as the saying goes, three strikes and you're out.

I'm sure there are other ways of dealing with your situation, I have found this one to be most effective, because it shows you, in a universal language, if the person has a vested interest. When they do, it never gets to strike three, when they don't have a vested interest ...

I wish you well.

Re-read what Lenoire just told you. She is 100% right.

I would add that I think you should talk to a lawyer first, find out what your rights are, what your H is on the hook for financially, etc.

Set out your conditions with your H and be very clear. Keep in mind though that affairs do go underground. You will have to keep an eye on your H.

Good luck to you and hugs for your little one!

Because you have a new baby, I would frankly try to delay any permanent marital decisions and focus on that for the time being. It's still so soon after learning of his affair. I agree that you need boundaries and can explicitly state things that need to happen in order for you to consider not filing for divorce right now.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and are going through this! The emotional rollercoaster is hard to take, never mind the normal post partum hormones and trying to care for and bond with your new baby. Lenoire gives excellent advice. The reaction of a cheater who truly wants reconciliation is one of compliance, genuine remorse, no contact with AP, working hard at mending wrongs done to you. Quitting therapy is a bad sign. Whining and begging to stay without doing any of the work on himself means he is trying to manipulate you in to letting him have his cake and eat it too. A free consultation with an attorney so you know where you stand is a good idea if you have the energy right now. I hope you have friends and family to help support you with the baby right now so that you can rest, think, and take care of yourself.

Thank you all for the help. I wish this was his first time, but unfortunately we have been here before. About 2 years ago he got caught calling some woman he found online. Promised it would never happen again that it was an error in judgement. I decided to stay and work it out then because we had just had a baby. This time it's escalated, he had a total relationship with this girl (who just turned 18) and purposely did nothing with our kids for months because he was too busy running around with her. I think a lawyer is my best bet. As far as the conditions, when I let him back in the house we came up with them together and placed them on the dresser where we would see them every day, he hasn't followed Any since quitting his therapist.

Thanks for the support :)
I don't have much family and not a whole lot of friends, our closest friends are taking the "middle ground" and don't want to pick a side.

Since he is a repeat offender and not doing anything to change, I agree you should protect yourself.

You don't need family or friends, you have yourself and your children. All you need is to muster up a bit of courage, some self-respect, and a sincere concern for your children's future, that's all you need. Go and visit a lawyer.

Looks like you have a serial cheater here; one who feels little remorse or guilt. Furthermore, he is showing you his needs supersede yours. Enough!

I think you do need emotional support from friends and family. You need someone to talk to. Get your own therapist.

In the meantime a good lawyer is your new best friend. If this OW is only 18, I would call her parents and let them know what she's been up to.

Start making a plan. This guy doesn't deserve another chance.

You must know me personally....calling her parents was the first thing I did! Her father was no help at all, he was just as stupid as she is. He said he would have to verify my story before believing me. What's there to verify?! The phone records, the texts, the days he ignored his children to go "hang out" and sleep with her?

I have been distancing myself from him. I put up with it because I thought it was the right thing for the kids especially being so small. Now that our son is 4, he looks at pictures of us and says "that's where momma and dada were happy". I think enough is enough. I'm tired of being stepped on, I was so strong and independent before all of this. I can be that way again.

Thank you all again for the support :) it's made things a little easier having someone to talk to that understands how I feel.

I feel a bit speechless. I am just so sorry you are going through this!!!!! I learned about my husbands' affair when our first son was 6 months old and it was devastating! I chose to stay together because I felt it was the best thing for our son and I can say it has been an extremely challenging road. It has not been easy and now I recently became the one that was unfaithful. I thought the pain my husband caused me was the worst pain anyone could feel, but I can honestly say now that the pain you feel as the cheater is WAY WORSE!!!!!! Part of me feels for your husband only because if he does genuinely feel remorseful I know what he is going through. I also have suffered from depression and getting to therapy appointments is really hard. I was once kicked out of a practice because I missed too many appointments but I WANTED to go. I just couldn't. It's a huge struggle that is so frustrating because in logical thinking... you know what you need to do. But the disease of depression is so overpowering! I also see your side and do you want to raise children in a marriage and family situation where mom and dad aren't happy and dad shows that temptation is accepted? Or do you want to find yourself happy to show your kids that their happiness and safety are most important? I don't know the answer and it's one you will have to decide for yourself.

I also feel so sad that you don't feel you have close family and friends. I agree with one of the other comments that you don't need them to get through this, but I do believe they are helpful! Having support through difficult times can be soooooooooo helpful! Hopefully you find some comfort in knowing there is an audience here that will be thinking of you, praying for you and wishing you well on this journey! Hang in there. Know that you are not alone. Know that every day is a new day and this pain will not last forever. It will change and come and go, but you will make it through!!!!! Maybe offer to take your husband to a session and see if that helps? Maybe make a dual appointment where you both can go talk to someone together? Maybe that would allow a level platform for you to share how his actions are impacting you and an outsider can help offer suggestions on how to work through that????

Well, I wish you the best and will pray for strength and healing!

Here I am being a Greek chorus again. What Lenoire said.

As hard as it may be just try to focus on yourself and baby for the meantime, I feel you pain my baby was 4 months old whenI found my husband with my sister on our own home, always thought something was going on but when I would ask myself, until one night I woke up in the middle of the night he was not in my bed but hers so they would wait until I was asleep, heart wrenching, what's even crueler to me is my other 3 daughters are begging me not to get a divorce, he is being violent one minute but loving the next and also denying, I was seeing things!
We have Christmas holidays abroad coming up so I am trying my hardest to grin and bare for the sake of the children, will it work I don't know, but it is horrible to think you gave birth to his child and he is neglecting you.