Sparks come and go. To exist beyond the initial fires of infatuation, they need to be nurtured. But they should not be the foundation for a relationship. Rather, the icing on the cake.

You might want to read my article: Am I in love?
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/5333418

thanks Cole, I will read it now, I appreciate the help so quickly :)

I guess I wonder about the "spark" and it's intention. Is it, say, like a spouse expecting their W or H to be horny and hot and bothered every time they seem them? Or is it the butterflies and excitement people have the first few months of dating, when it's all new?

I like what Cole said. Sparks need to be nurtured and taken care of...sometimes "on purpose" when life, jobs, kids, etc take up our time.

My concern for you is the idea that the "job" of putting the spark back into the marriage is almost being put on your shoulders. He's saying, "I feel no spark...so fix it". Maybe I'm reading that wrong?

How do YOU feel about the spark?

I kind of feel that way too about the spark needs to be nurtured on both ends, not just on one side. I told my husband that there are ways to bring back that spark and changes we can make to help. For instance, my husband is a disabled veteran so often times I try to help him with things that frustrate him and he so used to it, I think anyway, that he expects it- and that makes me look more like a mother, not a passionate wife/lover. We do a lot of things together, and we play a lot of different roles, that end up taking us further away from lovers. Its trying to find that balance of I am a team mate with you but I also have to remember that first and foremost I am your wife. My husband wants come through the door, rip your clothes off spark that you talk of, he gets his feelings hurt when I don't greet him after work with a kiss or hug. I told him that i get confused, he tells me to have no expectations, and not to force my intimacy on him, and out of respect I don't come home and force myself on him for that reason lol. My counselor has explained to him how he is contradicting what he is saying, and it does take me a while to get the courage to make a move on him, as silly as it sounds, because I fear rejection. Its come a long way, but for me- I feel that spark when I look in his eyes, and we have a conversation without talking. Or when its been a long day, and he reaches for hand, squeezes it and I just feel relaxed. I feel it when he touches me and I get excited and so on, so I guess for me the spark isn't so much lust involved. Sometimes I think it may not be a bad idea ot live apart, and just see eachother for dates, it would help us appreciate our time more, and miss the other person and so on-- but then i think to myself, well if I have to spend time apart from my husband to reignite a spark, then won't I have to just keep spending time away from my husband? I mean of course when I didn't see him for six months and we reunited, it was magical and sparks did fly, but then reality hit and I had to go back to my stressful job. I have a lot of good insight from the site and fellow dailystrengthers, I think I may read a book about dating your husband.

Blvd, you have been working to put the spark back and repair your relationships for a long time now. You seem to be doing all the work. After all you have done, how hurtful was it for him to say that to you? You type it so matter of factually, and your are ready to buy a book on dating your husband, but did you break down and feel the sting of rejection I felt reading it? Damn, girl, how many more insults and hurts is this guy gong to lay on you?

You don't need to buy a book on dating your husband. He needs to read a book on dating his wife.

You have done enough. I vote its time not for a trial separation, but to move towards a divorce.

Thanks him for his honesty about the lack of feeling a spark for you, and tell him all good things come to an end. And turn and walk away. You have in a sense become a "disabled wife" as the amount of traumas this guy has sent your way have got to hurt you to the core.

So Sorry!

I am in the same boat you are about the "spark" thing! There wasn't really a "spark" with me and my husband and I definitely don't feel it now after almost 3 and a half years of marriage. I feel we are just "excellent roommates". I cannot tell if I would be devastated if we separated for a time, I know he will be.

At least he told you flat out about not feeling the "spark". Other guys would just pull away and not say what they feel. Maybe I missed it but did you say how you felt? Do you still feel the "spark" for him?

goingtobeck- thanks for the reality, which is that yes I often feel like the only one trying here, and I am so shocked that you picked up on my biggest thing- the rejection. That is exactly the conversation I had BEFORE he told me that he had no spark anymore. I explained to him that it takes a lot for me to intiate a move, for fear of rejection, and when he does infact, do what i thought he would do, which is reject me it only teaches me not to make a move. He of course doesn't think that is a fair assessment, but that is how I feel. Its not that I lack confidence or self esteem when it comes to my own self images, its more of lacking confidence in his love for me and the marriage and getting tired of the cycle, the pattern. I even suggested, well we did what we could, lets get divorced-- and his reaction, what? I didn't say that is what I wanted, I am here, trying, and I am not ready for that- you make me feel like I cannot be honest with you. Its no wonder we have no spark, because I cannot be vulnerable with him because I still am on protection mode.

I am glad you already "know" me so well, lol. We are halfway through a bankcrupcy and that should be behind me by December. For now I am saving up for a car, for when I lose my current one, and then really the sky is the limit on where I go from there. I HATE December, it seems to be the month of huge decision making, but its time, its time for it to be done, and decided, and for me to just take a leap of faith that I am making the right decision and hope that the pieces fall where they may. As far as I am concerned, unless something major changes, and fast, I don't foresee us making it and it wasn't at least for my lack of trying. Thanks for the support.

kbennet- I often tell him my feelings, and how that its normal for stages of love to go through changes and to love people differently than others. I tell him how I think perhaps he is not one to commit, but to jump around from relationship to relationship until the infatuation phase wears off and then on to the next, he hates me judging him for one "mistake" but I can see his hesitation in re-commiting. I tell him my feelings often- if its been 2 years, and you are still on the fence about me, then you have your answer- you will always be on the fence about me, and us, because you cannot be 100 percent in this marriage and feel content or happy, you will always have this what if I am missing out on better attitude and i will be left rejected and feeling so for the rest of our life together. I wouldn't say things are miserable at home, I don't want to paint that picture because its not. Do I feel desired by my husband? Not really. He tells me I am sexy and beautiful, but then when two days later he tells me he is no longer attracted to me in that way, I get confused by his contradicting statements. He is one to have different feelings every day he wakes up lately and it is driving me crazy. And yes for now we are excellent roommates, who happen to share a bed. I often find him holding me or me waking up in his arms, and I feel hope for us- but at the same time, his view on boundaries in relationships has been a little altered. I would not cuddle or have lingering touches with anyone other than my significant other, he feels cuddling is okay between friends- I think he needs help, but I cannot force him to go see someone. All I know is I am living my life to the best of my ability, and as we draw closer to another year since the affair, I cannot help but feel like nothing really has changed, and even though it has, for me, the main thing hasn't- the unknown factor, the so are we staying married or not? Do you pick me or not? I am a planner, I feel unable to invest in a relationship with my husband because of his confusing, wishy washy emotions and feelings- he wants us to take it one day at a time. i understood that early on, when I didn't want to get out of bed and I was on my own, but why are we taking things one day at a time, almost 2 years later? I guess I am inpatient, and have timelines and deadlines- I guess I feel I can be investing in a relationship where I am wanted and desired and loved, instead of trying to heal a relationship where my husband never seems to be sure about me. (sorry so long, but hope this makes sense and if I went off topic sorry too lol).