I don't think she laughs, I think she is dying inside actually. How can guilt not overwhelm someone who trifles in a marriage.

I feel very embarrassed too, why should we be embarrassed when they are the ones with such weakness. Sometimes a glimpse comes over me that my life is a joke. That my 3 kids and I must me so expendable to him if he can stray this way.

But it is the cheater who has something wrong, your husband was obvious by having her there on his friends list , I think he wanted to get caught.

agame - thanks for your response - the funny thing is that even after he moved her and her boys into my house, he still denied that she was living there for about 5 days. i really can't figure out what he is thinking any more. I used to be able to tell him what he was going do before he even did it. he flaunted his affairs in my face like a game. all the while denying my alligations. and because I loved him so much, i chose to believe his words and not his actions. thats why i think there is something truely wrong with me.

We try to see the good in someone we love. Sometimes it's just not there. Think about what TOW- the other woman really took from you.A life full of lies and doubt and abuse. Yes, I totally believe cheating is abuse. I would have rather broken my leg or something than go through the pain of betrayal. I think in time you will see that letting you go is perhaps the biggest kindness he gave you. You can have a life now, on your terms. Is something wrong with you? Idk, but prob no worse than anyone else in this life. Therapy can help soooo much. It gets things back into perspective. Your'e hurting right now.... it lessens w/ time.... I promise

Honeybee - thank you for your kinds words. I asked these questions so many times "what is wrong with me?" "did I expect too much?" did I push too hard?" A very wise woman (my mother) said no, that I didn't raise the bar high enough - I accepted what was offered and basically got nothing. I am going thru counseling and hoping to heal from the pain. I did brake down and send the OTW a facebook message stating that I didn't blame her and that I would keep her and her kinds in my prayers because she was just the unsuspecting victim in all of this. It still hurts that she thinks she won. The prize really isn't all that great. It just hurts knowing he toyed with my emotions. I tried to get out many times and each time he would draw me back in. I just wish he would have let me go many years ago.

It sounds like your head knows the truth. Your'e heart might be having a hard time catching up. I went through a similiar situation yrs ago and I came out stronger.But, it also left scars that still hurt sometimes.

I put up w/ very little crap from my current H. Your'e Mom is right.... raise the bar girl! Don't be afraid to make demands when it comes to basic respect.

Mom is right. I had the same problem, gave too much and settled for too little in return. My counselor said it gives the spouse the expectation that they can do whatever they want and you will adapt to their selfish behavior. I did and it sounds like you did too.

I am going through a divorce and it is very difficult, but very necessary. It took months for my heart to catch up to my head. Don't beat yourself up anymore. He made some stupid choices and he will regret them. You sound like a very good hearted person and you deserve much better. He and the OW will take a long ride on the karma bus. You can count on it. My stbx is on that bus right now. It isn't a fun ride.

Huney and the others are saying it all. A cs is fully accountable for their actions. You didn't cause or deserve this in anyway. So sad that his values are so low that he would cheat and then move his mistress into your home.

So sorry that you ate going through this. We have a few remorseful cs here on this board who may be able to answer your questions for cs. As far as how and when you get through it, each person has their own path and own timetable. I would start with some therapy, these boards, and taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionaly.

Welcome to the club that nobody really wants to join but are forced into because of someone else's selfish choice. I really hate that you had to join but glad you found us.

I am a BS 18 months past dday and working on rebuilding.

To answer some of your questions.

Getting through the hurt and bitterness takes time and if you can afford it counseling. Believe it or not someday this will feel like something that happened in the past and not the hell you're living every day now.

Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel but make it a point to eat, drink plenty of water and get some exercise. Sleep eludes a lot of us in the beginning so talk to your doc and tell he/she what's going on and see if they can help you with that.

And most importantly you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Infidelity is not about what's wrong with you, its about what's wrong with the CS. They have poor self esteem or poor coping skills or a combination of both. Its very easy for the BS to take the blame...a lot of times cuz the CS is happy to put it there but it has nothing to do with you!

Sending support and hugs!

Thank you everyone for your responses. He is not only a cheater. He is an emotional and verbal abuser. Posibly physic too. He just knew that I would draw the line there. So he brainwashed me into believing him. Ready all the posts on here. Helps me see that it wasn't me. It was always him. Now fhe next problem is due to his infidelity, I am insecure and fear I will never trust a man.

They cheat for varying reasons and I believe they will live with this for the rest of their lives, he may be one that doesn't see it now but one day it will start to eat away at him.

How we survive, we find ourselves again and make ourselves number 1, we cry scream, find comfort on sites like these, then one day you find you cry less think less about it or can banish the thoughts. Its a cliche but time heals , the memories fade. I struggle now with the embarassment of wht people think knowing I've taken him back, what his mates think who only know his side, but those that matter know the truth and I'm strong to do this because for me it would be easier to leave. My rings stay off in part because I can't decide how I feel about them my marriage is dead, this is a new relationship, but also I don't want to show the outside world I'm with him.

We let go and forgive because its for us, something seems to click with people about that but forgiving them is about letting go and it is easier said than done I haven't forgiven her and I need to because my anger doesn't hurt her she doesn't care, it eats away at me.

I think trust comes with time and people have to earn, its a different trust now though not so nieve we know bad thiongs can happen but I don't think that's a bad thing. Everyday trust will come, one day.

You'll get through with us and your family and friends. She hasn't won, my husband and I split before we reconciled she thought shed got everything shed ever wanted, that's why shed put up with all the shit. Yet they went out and he was talking to a female friend, she flipped - why are you talking to her, who is she, you don't do that, etc... great relationship when the trust can never be there to start with. Then she became more than just a bit of fun, questioning where he was, making plans for a future, etc... it was real. Sometimes reality bites.

Linda and Dougs emotional affair website, has changed recently but helped me a lot especially with understaning.

They always say the best revenge is moving on been happy, you might need to see it that way at first then one day it'll just be life and a happy one you deserve. Xxx

I honestly feel DS helped me get through everything over 18months ago. I couldn't stay and rebuild. You will find DS a big help :-)

I also found counselling, though challenging, helpful. My theory was that if i am going to get through this i need to feel i've done every thing possible to heal. Meditation classes, yoga, friends, DS, the odd glass of wine. Acupuncture.

it IS hard. I blamed the OW for ages (silly bitch) BUT it was HIM who cheated on me. His lies, his betrayal. She is irrelevant.

It does get easier, but i must confess even last weekend (mothers day) i text my ex and i felt sad. I guess holidays/things are reminders of SOME good stuff....and then some bad..

You deserve the best and whether you stay or go do not let the OW or HIM take your self worth. I remember saying "i just feel invisible" and it did take time to NOT feel invisible, i do agree it's hard to trust another man, to let go etc. I am yet to be in another "proper established relationship" but i am hopeful (and scared) BUT not all men cheat.

I'm sorry for your predicament. In response to your questions, I do not feel embarassed about my ex husband's infedelity. He needs to feel embarrased not I. Getting over the bitterness is a process. You do learn to trust again with caution. Initially, you feel abandoned, however depending on your life history, some people recover. Letting go is a process.

For those of you who have been cheated on - -

1) How do you get thru the hurt? Time helps. Lots of individual & marriage counselling.

The embarrassment? She should be embarassed not me. I didn't cheat!

The bitterness? I'm still bitter, but I reflect more on how we are doing now than on the past. The present is good so I temper my bitterness & work on it in therapy.

2) How do you let go - move on? Again, time helps. Therapy helps.

3) How do you ever trust again? She earns back trust by her behavior.

4) How do you not feel so abandoned. I work on myself to be a better person and parent.

Workingitout - we can't do it together cuz he has moved on with the other woman. i wonder if i will ever learn to trust others.

I am so sorry that you are feeling that way. Please don't let that person have that much control over your life.

I found out in October 2010 that soon to be ex was cheating when girlfriend posted photos on her facebook page. It was hard as HELL to deal with especially when he lied and said it was over so went to counseling and found out he was not telling the truth. He was still talking to her then and is still talking to her at this very moment. We have 14 year old daughter who saw pic of girl on phone when she called prior to all of this so she is aware of what he has done. He is a lost soul and doesn't have a clue on how to be husband, father, communicator, or anything of that nature.

We are currently going thru divorce and I am happy with my decision and to answer your questions, I would say I was more hurt than any of the other emotions you listed. I pushed through it, lost about 20-25 pounds at the time. You have to be strong and not go down that road. I started a kick boxing class and pictured his face on the bag. That made me feel real good!

Moving on...haven't really moved on to a new relationship but I have moved on with my life and just started making lists of things I wanted to do and do them.

Trust...haven't experienced that yet. I do have a wonderful support system of family and friends that keep my moral and spirits high and movtivated.

Abandoned...well I know that I am a good woman/mother and I will find someone who appreciates class and not trash! I am planning a vacation and I am excited about that. I will be ok but don't torture yourself too long because in the long run he is not worth it!