You are in a better position than anyone to understand your H better - and to get him back on the right track. The issue is how? My take is to understand where the problems are in the relationship.

Get your H's heart and soul first - if you still want to. The rest, though not necessarily easy, is less difficult.

In your head you know he didnt meet her to see if she is ok, and her well being should be the absolute last thing on his mind. YOURS is first and formost. Or should be. He is lying to you. Also one does not have to snuggle and kiss and canoodle in public to make sure her mental state is ok, what about your mental state, your humiliation. He did this in the open. Dont be clouded by emotion, think logically. Just as you were getting back to the point of forgivness and trust he went and met her. He knew you were settling back in and IMO took advantage of that, He has shown you he cannot be trusted. Your job is not to get him on the right track, the OW as much as we hate them do not put guns to their heads, they make the choice to see/speak to them knowing it will hurt us. Besids that who knows what he is telling her about you. I learned that the hard way. what he told her, he told me...9 times out of 10 they tell them how horrible we are, how mental we are..to get the sympathy angle..Im sorry he did it to you, but HE did it. Fully aware of what he was doing. Hold him accountable.

He is lying to you. I can agree with that as well. It sounds like he never really stopped having his affair with her at all; but rather just became a better liar. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He obviously isn't serious about a damn word he says.

Contact her husband and let him know what is going on. He deserves to know. DO NOT take your husbands word for it that he already knows- chances are, he doesn't know jack shit.

And unfortunately, I would take his cake away until he stops playing two strings from the same end. You're his cake.

'Here, let me check your mental state by making out with you in public.'

Doesn't wash and I think you know it doesn't wash. He hasn't been over her. She may be off her damned rocker, but who cares what HER state of mind is? It's your man's that I am concerned with.

If it were me? Cheat on me once. Fool for me. Cheat on me twice? You're done.

Who can go thru this twice? No one.

He's been playing you. Not quite on board. NOt quite over her.

Sorry, but damn...no way...

L~

He is definitely lying! What do you do about it. I agree, I would tell her husband. At this point do not believe anything that comes out of his mouth. It's up to you as far as how you would like to handle it but I would throw him out. The fact that you forgave him the first time and he took advantage of that and went back for more..no way...that is a definite no no..which ever way you look at it..he's an ass.

As long as he can smooth things over and you are gullible enough to believe him, you think he is gonna stop???? My guess would be no.

If his lips are moving HE IS LYING!
Kick him to the curb. He obviously has no respect for you or your marriage. HIs excuses are so flimsy I can see through them all the way from here!
Get yourself a good attorney and a therapist to help you work through the emotional stuff.
You deserve so much better!

Had to read your post again and thought , if she has mental health issues, what does he think he is doing to her by messing with her and then going home to you? As a person who suffers from clinical depression, I know that something like that could be devastating to a person with an already fragile mind.

Even if he were truly concerned about her (yeah right) thats NOT the way you would help her cope. Sorry Becky, he is full of lies and excuses and hoping your loving heart will feel sorry for her and allow him to be her knight in shining armor. My H was the OW hero by giving her the strength to get out of an abusive realtionship BUT if he would make any attempt to contact her and "see how she is doing" he would find himself and his white horse on the curb.

One question you might want to ask yourself...did he have an emotional affair with this woman or was it just a physical affair? If he had an emotional one with her it's going to be hard to get him to leave it alone. I learned the hard way. Ten reconciliation attempts on my ex's part with me in less than a year. He didn't want to give up either of us (said he loved us both and couldn't decide) so he just bounced back and forth. Unfortunately, after the second attempt by him, I ended up showing him I would allow this behavior just by giving him a chance to work things out. I showed him how weak I was because I loved him and he took advantage of that. The OW was the same as I. We both believed him and kept taking him back! Talk about having your cake, eating it and having seconds, thirds, fourths, etc. Once this cycle starts, it's almost impossible to end it. Emotional affairs are almost a "no win" situation for all parties but the cheating H.

I must add something after reading LiveNow's post regarding emotional affair vs. physical affair.
99% of emotional affairs end up as physical affairs and believe me, they will LIE LIE LIE to keep you from knowing when/if it has already crossed the line.
It's a tough call that only you can make, but I will tell you from my own personal experience -- there is something about a man being seen as "the knight in shining armor" by someone OTHER than his wife that they simply cannot resist! Especially when they approach middle age -- which can be anytime after age 40 these days. They desperately need the ego boost that another woman gives them -- and they won't hesitate to drop their pants for them, either.
Get yourself to a good, qualified therapist immediately! They can help you separate your suspicions from reality -- chances are, you already know the truth -- it's just too painful to see it yet.

Yes Yes, thank you all, everything you say is what I KNOW!! in my heart as much as it hurts I know that he purposefully went to meet her with the prospect of getting on down with her again, everything that happened proved that. I really want her husband to know but it is a really tricky situation. This family are nasty ,violent people. husband warned me to not tell her H and I thought it was because he was protecting her, but since I have had contact with her telling her to get another lover LEAVE OFF my husband, I have been threatened with my life by her sister WTF, so to be honest I am scared off what her H might do...I am so pissed off that while my life is in tatters hers will remain pretty much the same, no H finding out and giving her shit. Meanwhile I have told my H to find somewhere to move into pronto, don't want him here anymore, can't look at him, don't even want to talk with him about it as everything that comes out of his mouth is BULLSHIT. I have had it with him and his lies, deception, betrayal, everything. He looks at me waiting for me to be sorry for him!!!! He says he has nothing with out me and the kids, he doesn't want her...well he has proven that he does, more like she doesn't want him!! Physical, emotional long term affair of the worst kind....I cant live with it anymore. My main motivator for giving him another chance was my children. I have told my sons 19 & 18 that he has been seeing another woman, but I can't bring myself at the moment to tell my 13 yr old daughter, it will destroy her as much as it has me. His mum keeps crying, she is in total shock and is offering me all her support, she is refusing to talk to him. I have know idea who this man I married is anymore. Cheater of the worst kind. Don't know why this happened, he said it was the sex she offered, but fucking idiot ended up getting emotionally involved as well. Well piss off and leave me alone....he doesn't deserve me. He is petrified I will meet someone else huh?? I am a strong, intelligent, attractive woman and I will find someone who loves me enough to not be unfaithfull. Sorry about the rant but god I need to let it all go.

Becky, I'm glad you've come to the realization that he needs to be gone. A repeat and then another repeat performance means that he's never really left her, at least mentally. I like your resolve and though it hurts terribly, you should be proud that you're as strong as you are to move forward without him. And as for telling the OW's H, if there's a real threat of violence, then I'd say leave it alone. Normally I'd say blast away, but in this case you don't want to feel responsible, even though YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE, for any fallout. Just leave it all behind you and be strong for yourself and your kids.

For your daughter, she may be destroyed by the truth, but isn't more fair to her to let her know the truth about life? That sometimes people do bad things or make poor decisions? You don't want her to live a lie, only to find out a few years down the road that daddy wasn't the king she thought he was, right?

Best to you and hang in there!

-TheRule

Having a really bad day. He is trying to break my resolve, still saying that he met with her to work out that she didn't want him anymore...please stop....feeling horribly low, he is saying that he will do a lie detector anything to make me understand that he has no feelings for her at all and all he wants is me....please help me strong...just feel like staying in my bed all day and hopefully when I wake up it has all gone away....

My question: Why was he checking to make sure "nothing was starting up again" Why is he asking.

If he was really wanting to be with you, he wouldn't meet with her, let alone be nuzzling, kissing, etc. He would leave her be, regardless of her "health" conditions. If he really cherished the relationship with you and had respect for you, he wouldn't be contacting her at all, regardless.

I am sorry

Becky, what have you been doing since Nov 09? Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Read up on the steps to take BEFORE you throw him out so you are protected and then do it.

I am sorry, I know this hurts..but he is a serial cheater. Everything he is telling you is BS and you know that in your gut. We always do. You saw it with your own eyes. That isnt making sure she has moved on.

Tell the OW's H. I would... I wouldnt protect her. She probably has the same mental problems he does...she has to cheat on her spouse. He is probably telling her the same thing about you...how you have a delicate mental state..he is obligated..blah blah blah....

I have said it before, I can forgive a mistake..not a lifestyle. That is what he has..a cheating lifestyle. The sooner you can break the tie and move on the better you will be.