Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I'm brand new here. My story is long, but Im hoping it will keep your attention to the end.
My wife (33) and I (36) had our second child in July last year. Our first is 3 1/2. Ever since our second was born I started to notice changes in her which initially I just chalked-up to post-pregnancy hormones/behavior. There was a lack of interest in me, a lack of interest in sex and just a general indifference to our relationship and to the household. Then the odd phone behavior started, putting it down as I walked in the room and having it on her at all times. One night, she had laid down with our oldest for bed; after she was done I walked in to lay with her and noticed the room smelling strongly of alcohol (which we both drink and I have no problem with , but she hadn't mentioned being out after work so I was leery). I confronted her immediately and she said, "it must be the pee in her pillow." (she wet through her diaper the night before and the pillow was in the hamper to be washed.) These flags started adding up to the point that I had snoop, starting with the phone. I found some cryptic abbreviated texts and one that said "Sweet Dreams". The cryptic text was from him to her "WICFU" and her response was WICFU2. When I confronted her she claimed it meant "I wish I could get f'd up". That lacks any hint of logic and to this day she won't admit to what it really meant. So I asked her about the nature of the relationship with this guy (co-worker), she said he was a friend. (In case it wasnt obvious to the readers I wish I could F you)
At this point I let her manipulate me explain these things away with her "logic" and I decided it was up to me to get to the bottom of this. My brain and my gut were both screaming at me that there was more. The saying "If you think your spouse is cheating, they probably are" was resonating through my brain on a daily basis. So, I moved on to the cell phone call logs. I should have gotten there faster, but it didn't occur to me right away for whatever stupid reason. I found several calls to him for lengthy periods of time and all at times where I wasn't around...on her way home from work and she had a two hour conversation at 2:00AM one night while she was staying at her parents house. She was always too tired to have sex with me at 8:00PM, but she had enough energy for 2AM phone sex. To this point I had given her three chances to tell me the truth about him (one in front of our priest who is also a family friend) she maintained her story.
After I found the call logs I was pretty sick to my stomach and had to leave work for the day. I decided to go to my parent's house and talk to them about all this. They were beside themselves with angst. They reassured me that I wasn't imagining or being irrational about my suspicions (when you're so invested emotionally in something like this you start to question your own judgement and rational thought) based on what they'd been told. Once she found out where I was she came rushing to their house and said we needed to talk. Ok, so now after I did all the work to figure her out we needed to talk. We did, and she finally admitted to an inappropriate emotional affair. I asked her about the cryptic text again expecting her to come clean about that too, well she didn't feel that was necessary so she stuck to her story on that and was very crass and "matter of fact" about it. She had an emotional breakdown for the first time (even though I had been emotional on several occasions up to this point) so as she explained the reasons for her behavior are deeply rooted in her childhood and her damaging relationship with her father it started to make sense to me. (Not an abuse situation, but more a lack of parenting and a lot of negative energy, no positive reinforcement). She said she sought the attention of males because she had severe self-esteem issues. The attention filled a void and made her feel better about herself. Which is fine, but knowing when lines are crossed is not something she was capable of recognizing. I bought this too, but after telling my parents and a couple close friends they found it hard to believe as she conducts herself in a fairly confident manner.
We agreed to go to couples therapy and she would see a separate therapist for her self-esteem issues. Life went on for a couple weeks, but soon things started happening around the house. Things that I normally wouldnt question or even notice, but she put herself under a microscope because of all her lies and deliberate deceit. One morning while I was distracted brushing my teeth I caught her sneaking an extra pair of underwear in her purse as she left for work. She claims it was because she didnt like the lines from the ones she was leaving in. Another incident, I found her in the middle of booking a hotel room on her phone. Her explanation was that she had an early meeting downtown and she wanted to be able to get an extra hour of sleep by staying near the meeting site. In the meantime she took up a new found interest in running. It was also convenient that she would leave work and run. In the past we have always separated the kids laundry from the adult laundry, I did the adult laundry and she the kids. Well, I started to notice more what was going in the wash when shed do the kids laundry and I started to see her running clothes and sometimes her underwear coming out with the kids stuff.
One story that Id didnt realize at the time because my radar wasnt up yet is very telling. Back in October we had our son baptized, which was planned not too long after he was born. In the meantime she had gotten invited to a co-workers wedding the same weekend (to which I was not invited). Theres another co-worker wedding this September to which Im also not invited. Anyway, back to October. We were having people over after the baptism on Sunday so there was a fair amount to get ready for that weekend. She was adamant that she get a hotel room after the reception so she didnt have to worry about driving home. She asked if our moms could fill in and help get the house and food ready for Sunday, they obliged of course. She left Saturday afternoon for the wedding and we didnt see her again until she pulled into the church parking lot 15 minutes before mass started. Again, at the time I didnt think much of it, but now in retrospect its glaringly obvious.
The last thing Ive found to be quite disturbing are some old emails I found (to a different guy, also a co-worker at one time at a different job). The first ones I found were from before we were married, but after we met and started dating. It was like reading porn. She would be emailing me pleasantries and small talk during the day at work and in between that she would be carrying on with an explicit exchange with this guy. Granted she had no legal obligation to me at that point, but it definitely sets up what type of character she has. The next set of emails I found however were from the months leading up to our wedding and through several months after we were married. The content wasnt as graphic but still highly inappropriate for a married woman to be carrying on with another man. I was not brought up that often in the exchanges but when I was I was referred to as some guy or dudenever by name or in a positive light. They liked to reminisce about the old email exchange and she even boasted after she admitted to going back and reading them, ahhh the memories. I couldnt believe what I was reading.
So all this time as Im starting to unravel her sordid secret life shes vehemently denying anything more than an emotional affair. Shes even gone as far as to say, You dont have evidence. But in my mind I had overwhelming evidence, just not photographic proof. There are several other behaviors and intangible feelings around the house that are hard to explain, but I know it doesnt feel right.
The final act to this Hollywood script was the last straw for me as far as thinking this marriage was going to work. I started to notice medical bills coming in every month addressed to her. We had the kids in and out for ear infections and such, but those were small bills and were not reason to have monthly bills coming in. She would open them and leave them out on the counter (because she is ridiculously messy and unorganized). I usually ignore them because they werent addressed to me and I assumed she was taking care of what she needed to. One day I decided to look at them. To my utter shock all of them were past due and a couple threatening collections. I am very diligent about organizing our finances and budgeting and such so this infuriated me. This was clearly intentional and I called her out on it. She didnt have much to say other than, I thought I paid those. Next I made her sign up for a credit score website so I could see how deep this was. Well, her credit score was fine but what I found after that completely knocked me on my *ss. She had managed to rack up $12,000 in credit card debt over the past year or so. In the grand scheme the amount could have been much worse, but still its not what our household does. I never carry a balance on anything. She was clearly on a path to destruction and was trying to take me and our family down with her. I tried to explain to her how utterly selfish she was being and how much she had put our family at risk. Because I was getting nowhere with her from the perspective of getting the truth about anything I had limited options, so the next day while the kids were at daycare I took the day off of work and when she got home from her half day (Good Friday) I told her we needed to talk. I motioned for my vehicle and we both got in. It only took her a few minutes to realize that we were heading to her parents house. That morning I had packed her a suitcase and put it my car. Only her dad was home when we got there and he knew nothing of the affair and obviously not the CC debt. I told him I didnt know what else to do with her so basically when adults act like children the best place for them is with their parents. He was speechless. I didnt want the kids to be exposed to this volatility and toxic behavior so getting her out of the house was paramount.
There are plenty more details to the story, but those are the highlights of my life the past five months. I know what I need to do, but Im trying to figure out the best approach especially since there are two kids involved and will be affected by my decision and actions. Shes been living with her parents (who have essentially rejected any plans Ive proposed to have the kids stay with her at their house every other week or even as little as every other weekend, it would be too hard [for them I presume] to have the kids staying at the house). So thats what Im dealing with from her support circuit. Now shes playing the its illegal for you to prevent me from coming home card so Ive decided to calm the situation by letting her come back home and live in the basement. The trust is completely gone for me and the only thing that could cure that is time and space (nothing she can do at this point is going to restore it). Shes not willing to respect my time and space needs so to me that suggests she doesnt care about us only that she has a home and a boyfriend (whoBTW is 50 with a wife and three kids).
Any advice or approach methods are more than welcome. Thanks everyone!
My wife (33) and I (36) had our second child in July last year. Our first is 3 1/2. Ever since our second was born I started to notice changes in her which initially I just chalked-up to post-pregnancy hormones/behavior. There was a lack of interest in me, a lack of interest in sex and just a general indifference to our relationship and to the household. Then the odd phone behavior started, putting it down as I walked in the room and having it on her at all times. One night, she had laid down with our oldest for bed; after she was done I walked in to lay with her and noticed the room smelling strongly of alcohol (which we both drink and I have no problem with , but she hadn't mentioned being out after work so I was leery). I confronted her immediately and she said, "it must be the pee in her pillow." (she wet through her diaper the night before and the pillow was in the hamper to be washed.) These flags started adding up to the point that I had snoop, starting with the phone. I found some cryptic abbreviated texts and one that said "Sweet Dreams". The cryptic text was from him to her "WICFU" and her response was WICFU2. When I confronted her she claimed it meant "I wish I could get f'd up". That lacks any hint of logic and to this day she won't admit to what it really meant. So I asked her about the nature of the relationship with this guy (co-worker), she said he was a friend. (In case it wasnt obvious to the readers I wish I could F you)
At this point I let her manipulate me explain these things away with her "logic" and I decided it was up to me to get to the bottom of this. My brain and my gut were both screaming at me that there was more. The saying "If you think your spouse is cheating, they probably are" was resonating through my brain on a daily basis. So, I moved on to the cell phone call logs. I should have gotten there faster, but it didn't occur to me right away for whatever stupid reason. I found several calls to him for lengthy periods of time and all at times where I wasn't around...on her way home from work and she had a two hour conversation at 2:00AM one night while she was staying at her parents house. She was always too tired to have sex with me at 8:00PM, but she had enough energy for 2AM phone sex. To this point I had given her three chances to tell me the truth about him (one in front of our priest who is also a family friend) she maintained her story.
After I found the call logs I was pretty sick to my stomach and had to leave work for the day. I decided to go to my parent's house and talk to them about all this. They were beside themselves with angst. They reassured me that I wasn't imagining or being irrational about my suspicions (when you're so invested emotionally in something like this you start to question your own judgement and rational thought) based on what they'd been told. Once she found out where I was she came rushing to their house and said we needed to talk. Ok, so now after I did all the work to figure her out we needed to talk. We did, and she finally admitted to an inappropriate emotional affair. I asked her about the cryptic text again expecting her to come clean about that too, well she didn't feel that was necessary so she stuck to her story on that and was very crass and "matter of fact" about it. She had an emotional breakdown for the first time (even though I had been emotional on several occasions up to this point) so as she explained the reasons for her behavior are deeply rooted in her childhood and her damaging relationship with her father it started to make sense to me. (Not an abuse situation, but more a lack of parenting and a lot of negative energy, no positive reinforcement). She said she sought the attention of males because she had severe self-esteem issues. The attention filled a void and made her feel better about herself. Which is fine, but knowing when lines are crossed is not something she was capable of recognizing. I bought this too, but after telling my parents and a couple close friends they found it hard to believe as she conducts herself in a fairly confident manner.
We agreed to go to couples therapy and she would see a separate therapist for her self-esteem issues. Life went on for a couple weeks, but soon things started happening around the house. Things that I normally wouldnt question or even notice, but she put herself under a microscope because of all her lies and deliberate deceit. One morning while I was distracted brushing my teeth I caught her sneaking an extra pair of underwear in her purse as she left for work. She claims it was because she didnt like the lines from the ones she was leaving in. Another incident, I found her in the middle of booking a hotel room on her phone. Her explanation was that she had an early meeting downtown and she wanted to be able to get an extra hour of sleep by staying near the meeting site. In the meantime she took up a new found interest in running. It was also convenient that she would leave work and run. In the past we have always separated the kids laundry from the adult laundry, I did the adult laundry and she the kids. Well, I started to notice more what was going in the wash when shed do the kids laundry and I started to see her running clothes and sometimes her underwear coming out with the kids stuff.
One story that Id didnt realize at the time because my radar wasnt up yet is very telling. Back in October we had our son baptized, which was planned not too long after he was born. In the meantime she had gotten invited to a co-workers wedding the same weekend (to which I was not invited). Theres another co-worker wedding this September to which Im also not invited. Anyway, back to October. We were having people over after the baptism on Sunday so there was a fair amount to get ready for that weekend. She was adamant that she get a hotel room after the reception so she didnt have to worry about driving home. She asked if our moms could fill in and help get the house and food ready for Sunday, they obliged of course. She left Saturday afternoon for the wedding and we didnt see her again until she pulled into the church parking lot 15 minutes before mass started. Again, at the time I didnt think much of it, but now in retrospect its glaringly obvious.
The last thing Ive found to be quite disturbing are some old emails I found (to a different guy, also a co-worker at one time at a different job). The first ones I found were from before we were married, but after we met and started dating. It was like reading porn. She would be emailing me pleasantries and small talk during the day at work and in between that she would be carrying on with an explicit exchange with this guy. Granted she had no legal obligation to me at that point, but it definitely sets up what type of character she has. The next set of emails I found however were from the months leading up to our wedding and through several months after we were married. The content wasnt as graphic but still highly inappropriate for a married woman to be carrying on with another man. I was not brought up that often in the exchanges but when I was I was referred to as some guy or dudenever by name or in a positive light. They liked to reminisce about the old email exchange and she even boasted after she admitted to going back and reading them, ahhh the memories. I couldnt believe what I was reading.
So all this time as Im starting to unravel her sordid secret life shes vehemently denying anything more than an emotional affair. Shes even gone as far as to say, You dont have evidence. But in my mind I had overwhelming evidence, just not photographic proof. There are several other behaviors and intangible feelings around the house that are hard to explain, but I know it doesnt feel right.
The final act to this Hollywood script was the last straw for me as far as thinking this marriage was going to work. I started to notice medical bills coming in every month addressed to her. We had the kids in and out for ear infections and such, but those were small bills and were not reason to have monthly bills coming in. She would open them and leave them out on the counter (because she is ridiculously messy and unorganized). I usually ignore them because they werent addressed to me and I assumed she was taking care of what she needed to. One day I decided to look at them. To my utter shock all of them were past due and a couple threatening collections. I am very diligent about organizing our finances and budgeting and such so this infuriated me. This was clearly intentional and I called her out on it. She didnt have much to say other than, I thought I paid those. Next I made her sign up for a credit score website so I could see how deep this was. Well, her credit score was fine but what I found after that completely knocked me on my *ss. She had managed to rack up $12,000 in credit card debt over the past year or so. In the grand scheme the amount could have been much worse, but still its not what our household does. I never carry a balance on anything. She was clearly on a path to destruction and was trying to take me and our family down with her. I tried to explain to her how utterly selfish she was being and how much she had put our family at risk. Because I was getting nowhere with her from the perspective of getting the truth about anything I had limited options, so the next day while the kids were at daycare I took the day off of work and when she got home from her half day (Good Friday) I told her we needed to talk. I motioned for my vehicle and we both got in. It only took her a few minutes to realize that we were heading to her parents house. That morning I had packed her a suitcase and put it my car. Only her dad was home when we got there and he knew nothing of the affair and obviously not the CC debt. I told him I didnt know what else to do with her so basically when adults act like children the best place for them is with their parents. He was speechless. I didnt want the kids to be exposed to this volatility and toxic behavior so getting her out of the house was paramount.
There are plenty more details to the story, but those are the highlights of my life the past five months. I know what I need to do, but Im trying to figure out the best approach especially since there are two kids involved and will be affected by my decision and actions. Shes been living with her parents (who have essentially rejected any plans Ive proposed to have the kids stay with her at their house every other week or even as little as every other weekend, it would be too hard [for them I presume] to have the kids staying at the house). So thats what Im dealing with from her support circuit. Now shes playing the its illegal for you to prevent me from coming home card so Ive decided to calm the situation by letting her come back home and live in the basement. The trust is completely gone for me and the only thing that could cure that is time and space (nothing she can do at this point is going to restore it). Shes not willing to respect my time and space needs so to me that suggests she doesnt care about us only that she has a home and a boyfriend (whoBTW is 50 with a wife and three kids).
Any advice or approach methods are more than welcome. Thanks everyone!
I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, as well as the children.
Unless she is willing to come completely clean and acknowledge her lack of character and ethical behavior, it seems you moving on alone is where this will be going.
I wish you strength in this time of upheaval in your life. You might get a therapist of your own to work through the issues this will bring into your life.
HowCanThisBe--I have talked to an attorney but it was a free consult by way of a referral, so it wasn't much help. I have another referral that I will be contacting soon. I will definitely have someone on retainer that I can go to with questions, but I'm hopeful that we can get as much of this done as we can on our own or with a mediator. Unless things are really ugly I'm certain that most people in this situation think they can get by without an attorney too so it might be wishful thinking on my part. The odd part is I have every intention of keeping this as amicable as possible (unless she starts getting ugly about assets or the kids). I'm able to do that because I don't hate her for what she did anymore I just hate that I no longer will have an opportuniy to live with my children and their mother under one happy roof.
Also as an aside, I found an email between the two of us where she admitted that she is more focused on her career than being the primary caretaker of the kids and she thanked me for making it my priority. I was elated to have found it. The more custody I have the more happy I'll be.
Missy--She's already back in the house as of tonight so that part is taken care of. I wasn't sure how I would handle it because the past couple weeks when its been just the kids and me have been so healing for me. My parents are always willing to take us in it's just they live over an hour away and it wouldn't work well for me to get to work. I'm just biding my time here and am waiting for the best opportunity to discuss a true separation with her. We've actually already talked about the possibility of it so it's not going to be a surprise for her. It's just figuring how to afford two households with her debt and she also has an upsidedown condo she owns out east that is negative cashflow every month.
MsFrustrated--She has not tried to fix anything. She's asked what actionable items she can do to help me along but at this point there is nothing "actionable" that will help me...only time and space neither of which she has granted me yet. Actionable items can only help her right now as I think she needs to move on from that company she works for. It is a playground for infidelity and for people with her addiction. It's like letting an alcoholic work in a brewery. And no she has shown no signs of remorse, if she did feel remorse she'd have told me the truth by now. She does not respect me enough to tell me.
kbbcoop--thanks for the insight. I certainly wish she would have stayed with her parents and not put up a fuss about being forced from our home. The impression that I got was that they didn't want her there any longer than necessary either. I have a few stories about their involvement too and after dealing with them on this I 've come to realize why she is the way she is and that their sense of reality is so lost on the real world. It's a shame.
Ill start by saying how sorry I am for you and your children. Nobody deserves to feel so much betrayal from a person they once loved so much. I think You gave given her so many chances to change her behavior and most of all come clean and be honest. When you first found the text message that could have been a wake up moment where she could have realized "wow I may loose everything is this situation worth it to me? Yet as badly as she was behaving she could have used it as a wake up call and been thankful that she had another opportunity to make things right. She decided to keep doing the things she was doing. Every single time she picked up that phone and dialed his number, sent an email/text or made plans with him she was sending another sign that your feelings and your marriage didn't even matter. This was a conscious choice that she made. Yes she may have self esteem problems maybe a bad childhood but that is not an excuse to make poor choices. If you are able to know what is right and what Is wrong I don't believe that is a card she can play.
In all the time she has been away, she hasn't come clean. She hasn't tried to save this marriage, or make any real steps. She still hasn't realized the magnitude of what she has done to your family. The thought of having to be away from you and the kids should be so agonizing that she would do anything to make that change. Confessing everything, begging to go to go back marriage therapy. She hasn't really done this and so therefor all you can take away from this is that she doesn't really care about the hell she has put you through.
I know a legal separation/divorce will be hard on your children. I know you may feel guilty about what they will go through but you didn't do this to them. You didn't break up your family and you certainly never ever saw things ending up this way. You were but in this situation and had to make the best of the cards that were dealt. All you can do is love your children and be the best dad you possibly can for them. You also have to remember that you are making this choice because you also deserve happiness in life. Nobody should have to go through life wondering if they are being cheated on and made a fool of daily. You deserve to have a chance at real love someday and someday you will again. Removing someone toxic out of our lives sometimes is the only way sometimes to allow something better in.
I hope your family and friends are able to provide you with the support and love you need during this
sadly it is way past considering what to do, this woman is a clinically something that should not be around your children
-lawyer
-get tested for std
-find a counselor for yourself
-divorce - full custody
I am very sad for your family, your kids will live with this "stink" forever, better to keep as much distance from the turd
There is really nothing to work with here and while I understand that no one wants to break up a household when there are minor children involved, it's so much better for a child to be 'from' a broken home than to actually live inside one that's broken.
Visit the chump lady too. She has a very no nonsense approach to infidelity. www.chumplady.com
The writing is clearly on the wall.
She doesn't see the impact of what she is doing, honestly, she probably can't fathom it. She is in her own little world as a married woman pretending to be a single girl.....your ONLY recourse is some TOUGH LOVE.
Yep, get her out, get an attorney.....maybe its what she wants (to be free and single), maybe it will scare her enough to get the help she desperately needs. The ball is in your court.
We had a conversation last night and she agreed to find a six-month lease somewhere. She emailed me this morning and asked "how does my not living at the house help me rebuild your trust?" I told her I did not know, but I knew that it would help my anxiety over the situation. Not seeing her come and go and not finding anymore underwear or other odd occurances would provide me with some relief. She also maintains that she wants to be married to me and wants our home to be a home again.
It's so hard to trust what she's telling me because of all the past lies and manipulation. I'm not expecting any magic answers from this seperation, but it would be nice if things became more clear.