You know when I read others post on here my immediate reaction is duh kick his lying ass yo the curb, then I realize that I myself am putting up with what seems to me to be much worse than that . So I say why am I ? Well I have a 9 year old daughter, my wife has cutoff al contact and actually called the police on the predator she had an affair with. She has become completely transparent , she Is a great mother, she goes to church weekly and genuinely seems remorseful. We still have some issues but it's only been 9 months so I am giving it 1 good try.
So I will say to you.. Is he trying? Is he lying? Did he completely cutoff all contact? Is he helping you? The whole borrowing tons of money for another woman while he is not working and helping you and your daughter is just something that I as a man cannot get past .

I can almost exactly echo, howcoulditbe. At first glance I want to see leave, run, dont waste your life with him, but I to am chosing to stay with someone who cheated on me for years and years and with multiple people so there are reasons to try to make it work. For me, as with many others, the main reason to try is the children and the biggest thing that makes it even possible is what the CS (cheating spouses) does. They need to give it all, 110% , to try to make it work, if he is not willing to do that, if he is not all about trying to make it right with you then it will be very difficult if not impossible. Just like howcoulditbe's wife my wife does seem to be remorseful and has been doing most of the things a CS should do to try to make it work, it still isn't easy, there is still a very dark cloud hanging over us from all those lies and that secret life and things are not nor likely never will be what I thought they were but we are trying to make it work. The key to even considering trying to make it work though is what is HE going to do to make it possible for you to even want to.

As for the spending money thing while it is an "extra" thing that makes your situation worse for you, just like everyone has something specific that makes their situation worse, I look at it a little different I guess. Yes I think it is a terrible thing to do to take money away from your family to spend on your mistress it is one of those things that is part of "the game" that cheaters play. They do and say things to further their affairs. It what he did to try to impress her or get more back from her or whatever. Much in the way a cheater will say things to each other to stroke their egos, they "talk the talk". Apparently spending lots of money on her was what worked for that particular women (there are lots of OW like that and lots of CS men that do that). While others only use words and stories (sounds like he did both). Anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that even though spending that money on her and taking it away from other things is horrible it was not done because he wanted to spend money on her specifically it was done because he wanted to further the affair, impress her, keep her, get more out of her or whatever. Not that that makes it any better.

Like howcould said, if he's being remorseful, broken off all contact with OW, being transparent, actively working to fix the mess he created, then there is hope. If not, you don't have much options. Keeping the marriage together just for the daughter rarely works. She needs a safe, loving, supportive family. If he's not addressing his issues, which doesn't sound like it, it won't be a good environment to raise her in.

I'd start by doing the 180 for your own benefit:

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

I'd open up a private bank account and protect your money from being stolen. See if you can arrange a preliminary consultation with a lawyer to find out what your options are for divorce in your state. Prepare for "plan B", or should I say "plan D." Hopefully it won't come to that, but you have to be prepared.

Get and read the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald so you'll know what he should be doing. Ask him to read it. If he won't, that is part of your answer.

If he doesn't shape up after about 3-6 months, activate plan B.

Well he is remorseful, and since like 2 to 3 months He has slowly stopped seeing her and since the other night he hasn't talked, texted, or seen Her at all. Im just having a hard time with it all. See the OW actually said that she didnt want anything to with my husband anymore cuz of all thd lies he has told her which I will say that he became a totally different person with her. I feel like im his 2nd choice and it hurts me sooo bad. I'm really having a hard time with it. I just, ya I'm lost for words, I dont know what elseto say except that this is one of the hardest things that I've had to go through. What do I do if I have to leave, how do I walk out of the only life I know, the only man I have truly loved, I will lose my family, our daughter will lose her family. I love him sooo much why did he do this to me...... WHY?!?!?! I will do anythi g to make this work. How do I get past feeling his 2nd choice...... thank you .All for your feedback so far, it is helping me.

How does it prepare your daughter to be an adult when she observes that the proper thing for a woman to do is to let her husband piss all over her?

Siiiigh, I attempted to make heads and tails of this post, and all I came away with is that I feel bad for your kid.

He cheated. You talk to other men in some temper tantrum-y "I need drama" kind of way in order to get attention....and you're both parents.

Siiiiiiigh.

For your information I didnt even start to talk to other men (which these 3 men I talked to where old friends that ive known for years.) Till we were split up for 4 months. I also talked It over with my daughter to make sure she was even OK or ready for me too start talking to other men. I would NEVER Even consider even talking to other Men if my daughter wasnt ready. Weve been married for 12 years and this is the first time weve never went through this before. And just an update he still has not had any contact with the OW. Weve been talking about a lot of things. For the 1st time since this started I feel like we have a chance. And I feel horrible that my child has to go through this. I'm a good mother and I'm going through one of the worst and hardest things that I've ever went through. I'm trying. I came on this site to get help to find some support NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T KNOW ME AT ALL PUT ME DOWN. YOU HAVE IT COMPLETELY WRONG. YOU HAVE A LOT OF NERVE TO SIT THERE AND SAY THAT WE ARE ASKING FOR DRAMA. MY HUSBAND ASKED FOR THIS I DIDN'T. IM A CHRISTIAN AND I BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER VERY MUCH THEY ARE MY WORLD AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THEM. HEY I WANT TO HEAR ALL OPINIONS BUT NOT IF THEY ARE GOING TO BE LIKE THAT. Anyways thanks for the advice im starting to feel a little bit better. There is still a lot if work to do buf as long as I know hes sorry and he tries His best I just want to

Okay, here are some articles/book I've written that I would suggest:

My FAQ for "new" BSs.
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/p/help-for-new-betrayed-spouses.html

A snapshot of what he needs to do to heal himself and your relationship.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162

My three articles on Healing Steps for the BS, among other articles, can be found here:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news

My book, "Healing Infidelity" takes you through what my wife and I did to heal, and contains most of the articles in the previous link:
http://www.healinginfidelity.com/index.php?currdir=&currfile=Our+Book.html

Some truths you need to think about:

While there can be many contributing factors that play into "why" he did it, it usually boils down to low self-esteem, and the affair was feeding that in a way you can't. In a cheater's mind during an affair, they don't look at you as the second choice, but think they are merely adding on what you are unable to give. It feeds their low self-esteem in a way you can't, simply because you are not "new".

Of course you want to keep your family together. Most do. That is why when push comes to shove, only a small % of CSs will chose their AP over their spouse. Few go into an affair desiring to break up their family or end there marriage, though it does happen.

You are not the one threatening to break up the family. This is all his doing, and you can only respond to his decisions. His actions are the catalyst, and is what is breaking up the family.

You can do all you can to help him to do the right things, but you can't force him too. He's got to decide to give it his all to heal this. If he isn't committed to that, there is not much you can do about it save pray for him.

Forgiveness is needed, no matter what he does (I'm a Christian too), but does not avoid dealing with the consequences of his actions. Like God, be merciful and ready to forgive when he repents, turns from his wicked ways, and seeks only you. But like God, refuse to enable sin. If he doesn't turn from his sin, forgiveness becomes meaningless for the healing of the relationship, even if it has benefits for you. Like Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." The sin has to stop if he wants to avoid the consequences of breaking up his family and your marriage.

In the end, the ball to heal this breach of trust and fidelity is in his hands. If he steps up to the plate like my wife did, there is a chance for healing. If not, the future doesn't look very promising.

Read the above articles and I pray you'll find a way through this to a positive outcome. I know how scary it seems right at first. Everything is up in the air. No security. The future is in question. Betrayal sucks.

But you can and will get through this, one way or another.

Just an update things are starting look up a bit. My husband hasn't called, text, or Facebook messaged the OW still. Honestly im actually a bit surprised but I'm very relieved and happy about it. That tells me that there is hope. He has done a complete 180 with the way he treats me and how much effort he is putting in to our marriage. Katelynn (my daughter)has even made comments about how he is acting like her old daddy again. I love watching her actually both Here's and his face light up when they spend time together. Barry (my husband) said that Katelynn has really helped him open his eyes to what is important again. L he said he was blinded by the OW being new and just a fresh start with no financial issues no history so he could leave things out that he didn't want anyone to know about him. I just want to tell "Cole50" Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the info and feedback that you've given me. It has helped me, us ALOT. I also want to thank everyone else for the support and wisdom you've all given you have all been a lot of help. Hey keep it coming it really helps me and makes me feel better. :-) Thank yous all again. HowCouldItBe I just want to say thanks to you also. By the way I don't feel like the 2nd choice anymore. So Thank u to that because I was struggling with that really bad and with the fact that I felt like I was the one that needed to keep my family together. That's barrys doing his decision by himself. I know what I want now its up to him took choice so we can continue on with our lives. Thank you again. Now don't worry is not over yet thd is still a lot b of work ahead of us and things could still go sour again but I'm going to just keep praying and doing my part. God bless all of you.

Glad things are headed in the right directions. Like you said, the journey has just begun, and who knows how it will turn out, but if you are both 100% committed to rebuilding for the long haul, willing to do whatever it takes, you've got a good shot at not only getting through this, but growing as a couple and building a better future.

Keep reading and get some counseling to help. I posted our recommended reading list on our blog a few months ago:

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/01/our-recommended-reading-list.html

This is good news :)

FYI, throwing out "I'm a Christian" doesn't carry the weight with everyone in the world, you think that it might. Religion means zero to me when it comes to matters of character and self-respect.

I'm glad you guys are working it out.. Good luck and many hugs!

LuvAmy, I hope it works out with your marriage. As a woman married to a cheater, for 25 years now, I honestly believe that most cheaters cannot change. They are vile creatures, users, serial cheaters, narcissists, and many times even sociopaths. I worry about you and your daughter, and send you many good vibes and prayers.

Yesterday, I was looking at my H's cell phone statement and discovered he is still in contact with one of his OW. He has lied once again, and the OW lied to me as well. You can't trust either of them. I also discovered awhile back that my lying bastard of a H has multiple phones. Be aware your H could have more than one phone.

Your H sounds a lot like a narcissist. It might help to do some research on narcissists. It has helped me a lot. I look forward to the day I can be free from my jerk of a H. My best advice to you is to take off the rose colored glasses..... don't trust your H until he has proven he can be trusted. And that doesn't happen for a long, long time. Not weeks, or months... no, longer than that.

Wishing you and your family the best! :)