Blaming you is part of her "affair fog." She has to believe her affair was justified to avoid feeling the full weight of shame. This is often what people in affairs say to each other: "We are good people doing this because of xyz marital issues." I am sure her ex encouraged this kind of thinking. I was there a couple of years ago.

In reality, whatever happened in your marriage, she chose to have an affair instead of making a different choice. It isn't your fault. Should you end up staying together and working on your marriage, there might be things you could do to clean up your side of the street while she works on hers, but that is not the same thing as you being responsible for her affair.

If the affair is out of character for her and she typically has a conscience, she could cut off contact with her AP and regain her clear head enough to try to fix things with you. If she is someone who always blames others for her actions, it is another story.

Good luck!

Thank you. I definitely have some things to work on. I don't see the marriage working. We have too many issues that she doesn't seem to be able to handle. It's best we both go our own way. I just never thought that she would have been lying to me for so long. The stuff that I found out about is heartbreaking. It will take time to heal but I learned alot from this. I just wish I could get my brain to stop thinking about it all.

You do need to think about this! You need to understand what happened and why it happened.

You should not accept the blame for your wife's affair. If she was unhappy there were many options available to her. She decided to take up with her old boyfriend. That choice lies squarely on her shoulders.

Feel so sorry to read this .you aren't to blame for the choices that your wife makes . I don't know how your marriage has been , but it doesn't exuse it . I have had an affair , which I have deep regret about , and I would never transfer this over to my husband.. I wish you both well, I know how sore this must be .

I am sorry this has happened to you. Nothing you did made her do this. She chose to do so and if she was so unhappy, she should have talked to you about it, not sought comfort elsewhere. I recommend consulting a lawyer and trying to obtain proof of the affair. In some states, adultery causes someone to lose their entitlement to alimony (if you think she'd try to get that from you).

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words and advice. This was my first marriage and my first real love. I was in a long term relationship before this but the only reason we stayed together was because we had kids together at a young age and I felt like it was the proper thing to do. There wasn't ever any true love. I never knew what true love was until I met my wife. The beginning was great, it was a whirlwind romance that seemed like it would last forever. We have only been together for 3.5 years and married for 1.5. come to find out she was talking to her ex even before we got married and he tried to talk her out of it. He stopped talking to he because he was mad at her. She rekindled things with him a while back when we started to have typical arguments about chores, money, kids. She was unhappy with life and I was busy with work and trying to better our future. Little did I know that what I was doing was tearing it apart. I knew we needed some help and I figured that we could go to counseling and talk about it. little did I know that she was already talking with her ex about things and cheating. Now I feel like there isn't anything to work on and that its a waste of time because she lied on so many occasions that I don't think I will ever trust her again.

Please get tested for STDs. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not in ANY way to blame!

she choose to soil herself,
she manipulates, lies, and deceives
sad
but you should run to the std clinic on the way to the lawyer

It is always a sad thing to find yourself in such a spot as the investigator with your own partner because I was in this situation some months back,yet I didn't get him becuse he's a smart husband. A friend introduced me to this hacker cybernnectic at gmail com his work is amazing. I was able to read my husband chats with his mistress and calls.

I'm not to far out from similar instance. Wife struggles with bi-polar depression. Don't take the blame for it. You didn't stray it's not your fault. It wasn't ok for what she did. We've been working on our marriage took huge strides. Now we're at a stale mate and it's her depression. You have to come to grips with what happened. You have to feel the pain In order to overcome it. I'm two months in from d day. It's tough it is, I've probably done more than I should have to repair. She was showing effort and came to terms with it, now it's an up hill battle last couple days. Be true to yourself take care of yourself. I finally sought after a counselor. Never had to before, truly helps. Stay strong man I'll be praying for you. Even with a divorce it will play into your future relationships trust me. Better to face it head on now. Best of luck

I am so sorry that this happened to you..but guess what? You ARE NOT to blame! I know that might be hard to hear...but her choices were her own, 100%. I understand that feeling though. If you decided to try and repair your marriage or not, right now, you need to think about you. Getting tested for stds.. not pleasant but is a must for your well being. And, don't try to forgive quickly... feel your emotions. Feel sad. Feel angry. Get it out. Don't forgive quickly to try and avoid and cover up any pain. Forgive, in time, when you are ready. Forgive, in time, for yourself.

immediately file for divorce if she continues to blame you in any way please, you need to send a strong message that you will not put up with abuse of any kind, you dont have to complete the divorve, but handing her divorce papers will let her know you are for real, and hopefully wake her up from the affair fog, listen to the people here, we all have this common painful experience....do not try to nice her back, it DOES NOT work ever...you have to be willing to end the marriage to save it!!!

Chris-it rips me up reading your story because it's fairly similar to mine. I'll echo what others said because it can't be said too much: regardless of issues in your marriage (every marriage has them), the affair was NOT your fault. I whole heartedly agree with the others about getting a thorough STD panel including the 6 month HIV followup.

Take whatever time you need to grieve and feel everything that comes from this so you can process it and lay it all to rest. It's the first major part of getting through this. You'll slowly feel yourself come out of this funk in your own time. Do little things just for you. Start doing things you want to do that maybe you put in the background because of your busy married life. Step by step you'll rebuild and find a stronger you. Hang in there buddy-you're definitely not alone!