It is quite common for details to be withheld.

Perhaps she is lying, perhaps not. In the end, if she admitted to it....would it help you?

For me...I obsessed a great deal about the sexual aspect of the affair. I needed to know everything.....so I grilled her for information.

Over time, I learned more details. Each of the details created more hurt and more obsession.

It's very difficult NOT to think about it.....but consider that learning more may not be helpful to you. You cannot un-ask.

Thanks for the reply.

I have been thinking the same the about not being able to un-ask.

At the moment it is easier said than done.

I do love her, I do believe this is fixable, simply because of the nature of the affair - which in some ways feels more like a 'one night stand' than anything else.

I know how you feel. I hope you are right that it was more like a one night stand. How about if she changes schools? Would that help you?

I firmly believe that there have to be consequences for the CS. Here we are in all this pain and they seem to get off so easy when we want to keep our marriages intact.

You said: " I am concerned that I will push her too far - which would be a shame if this is truly over 'nothing'. "

Nothing? Nothing is making you feel this way?

I think you should come up with a list of things that would make you feel better and you two should discuss it. My cheating dirtbag won't, but I know this would help me.

If she continues to work to make you feel safer in your marriage, time will help. It also helps not to nurse these thoughts. Just let them flow through you and try to release them.

Thanks daledge,

She immediately called her union and requested a change in schools. She has actually gone to her Dr. and is on stress leave until the middle of October. She, we, have also decided that maybe not returning to work for a couple years is best. For her, the marriage, and the family.

I am desperately trying to not nurse these thoughts. I will continue to try.

I don't think my wife is a bad person, I don't believe she was trying to hurt me. I have come to that conclusion because if she was trying to hurt me - then she in turn was trying to hurt our kids - which I don't believe.

There were many things that I feel contributed to her straying. Which I can expand on as needed.

Thanks for the help.

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

"There were many things that I feel contributed to her straying. Which I can expand on as needed."

No, you had ZERO to do with it.

It most likely had to do with her ...low self esteem....poor conflict resolution.....and opportunity.

The best methods for dealing with this is distractions and not allowing yourself to dwell on it. There are lots of methods you can use. For instance, my wife, the CS, to not think about her OM all the time wore a rubber band around her wrist. Whenever she realized her mind was thinking about him or obsessive thoughts of the affairs, she'd snap the rubber band and tell herself to stop. The pain acted as a distraction from the thoughts. Over time, she trained her self to not go there.

You could also use positive thoughts. For instance, when I start thinking about the pain of the affair, I remember all she's done to recover from it which wasn't easy for her, because she didn't want to lose me. I've told her the affairs put her love for me in question, but her commitment to rebuilding reproved her love for me.

Others use exercise, work, other distractions. But yes, at first, the affairs was all I could think about for at least a month after dday, and it gradually went down from there. If you are in the early stages, expect you'll have obsessive thoughts. But if you work on it, you can conquer them. She'll need to understand this is something you'll have to work through and give you space to do so.

On what Blind said, he is spot on when it comes to her decision to cheat. (Allowing it to happen is a decision to cheat.) You may have contributed to her temptation, but the decision to respond to her issues and temptation by cheating is fully her responsibility. There are more constructive ways she could have and should have used.

Blind is making some great points. I wonder if your trying to take the blame is because she tends to blame you? My wife actually blamed me for her affair, that I had not taken care of her little needs.

When I busted my wife after finding emails, I sat her down and asked every question I could think of and she answered them all. Except that she did not answer questions that I did not know to ask. More came out later. And, her bahavior picked back up after I thought we were on track to repairing our marriage.

I pray and hope it was an only one timer for her and you. My wife claims her intercourse ( I call it fucking another married serial cheating sleazebag ) was her first one. Maybe so. But I found out there were many other emotional affairs before and after.

Don't worry about obsessing, it would not be normal if you didn't. Get counseling for this wanting to blame yourself thing. She is to blame. Don't worry about pushing her too far, she cheated on you, that was taking things as far as I think is possible.

You have little twins which really tugs at my heart. I stayed for our kids. Never regretted it, for the kids.

I recommend marriage counseling and individual counseling for each of you during the marriage counseling.

You are new here, so please pardon what may sound like some harsh comments, some of us have been through a lot and heard more, so I will go ahead and say this.

I am quite sure that she has one hell of a sexual harassment lawsuit in having sex with her supervisor, the principal of her school. I am quite cynical and would see if she would sue the school district, whether you do or don't. Hopefully there is some proof somewhere of the affair. Her reaction will reveal a lot I think as to where she currently is with her disclosure with you about everything.

That being said, you and your kids were hurt and wronged, and this man is a family wrecker not to mention what your wife is for what she did. I would consult with an attorney and see what liability the school has. If I were you, it would give me a little satisfaction to sue the hell out of the school district, get paid, then move as far away from that city as you can and you both start over. To hell with what it does to her teaching reputation.

Just my two cents. I am 5 plus years down the road from my affair and had I known then what I know now, I would have never stayed. I thought we had a chance and I believed in forgiving a mistake. I fell for her sympathy card and fell for ME having a lot to do with it.

Cheaters have a way of marrying us who take blame for what they do wrong. There is no diagnosis for this. Stick around this forum long enough and you will get the picture.

I am now speaking from years of trusting we had a chance and finding out I was a fool. If I were to do this again, and if I were you (just my opinion) I would consult an attorney, get a quick settlement (your wife being a female with a male boss fits perfectly i would think), and it should be a hell of a settlement, move, then GPS her car, put that keyboard counter thing on her computer, have access to her cell phone records and all passwords, and let her earn the right to have your trust.

I think if she has issues with any of this I would have some reservations. This is a potential windfall payday, a chance to let that principal get what is coming to him, and you two start over.

I can't believe I am saying all of this. 3 months ago I would not be this harsh, except that I caught my wife texting yet another married man after hours and it was not about business. My kids are out of the house now and in college and I am done being the fool, being blamed, and being trusting and taken advantage of.

Maybe take what I am saying with a grain of salt since I am really in a shitty and very hardened place from all of this, especially this last texting thing.

Good luck to you. This forum has great people on it who will offer an unbelievable amount of good advice to you.

You can check out and browse the Cheaters Forum also to get a taste of what the cheaters go through, or don't go through.

I should clarify that I don't take blame for what she did but rather I could have done things differently that may have helped her avoid this mess.

Thanks for the words Cole. I picked up your book and I am working through it now. I actually came across another one go your post where you more or less stated that you are not going to judge your wife based on this one out of character error. I really love my wife and enjoy(ed) my family. I really want things back to the new normal.

It has been about a month since full disclosure and to be honest I think I have come a long way very fast, but I hit a wall today. Not only questioning what I stated above but everything that she has told me - her stories do add up, but my belief is slipping.

Again my wife isn't a bad person, she messed up, big, but nevertheless she isn't an evil individual. I have given her many opportunities to walk out on me and us but she hasn't.

I guess all I really want, like everyone, is to believe and continue with my life.

I don't mean to make you upset, but how do you know you have full disclosure.

From your post, it appears that she admitted to having sex once, and then he collaborated it.

How do you know it did not happen on other occasions?
How do you know when the affair began?

Is the OM married? If so, go ahead and tell his wife.

You don't take blame but could have done things differently to keep her from having an affair? You really want to give her a pass on this one it sounds like. If you were having money issues and she robbed a store and got caught, would you blame yourself for that too?

Unless she told you that she would have an affair if you did not do x,y, or z (which would really suck) then there is nothing that you did to cause the affair, or nothing you could have done to stop her. There are ups and downs in marriage. If we have an affair every time the going gets tough, then what is the point of being married?

Was/is the principal, OM, married? Does he have small kids at home too?

I really do understand the denial you are feeling. Unlike your wife, my wife told me that it was my fault that she met this man because I did not go with her on her conference trip, the kids needed a parent at home. So, because of me she met him. Then because I was not meeting her little needs (which is as vague as she could get) she was forced to get her emotional needs met elsewhere. errrr, sex was not our issue, and fucking another man is not getting emotional needs met, it is just outright "only caring about getting all her own personal needs met".

A good therapist will help you get past feeling that her having sex with another man had anything to do with anything that you did.

You may have contributed to her temptation, but that doesn't mean if you had't, she wouldn't have cheated. Second guessing does no good. The only reason to look at your part in this is to help her recover if she decides to invest herself in it and improve the marriage. But she has to own her decision to cheat 100% for rebuilding to work.

I have several thoughts about this. This is totally from my perspective, so it's not knocking you or advocating you; it comes more from my reflection of my former marriage, etc.

I agree with those who say that cheating is an active, conscious decision. That someone who cheats makes that decision is the non-communication with their spouse THEY chose to avoid whatever problems are happening. I don't believe in the fog. My X cheated for about 15 months, and the amount of planning, sneaking, lying and hiding that goes into cheating tells me they aren't posessed by some elusive fog but, rather, making a choice..albeit, a bad one, but still a choice.

I was in the same marriage as my X and I never cheated, but I would be lying if I said we didn't have problems. I'm not one of the people who claim our marriage was postcard-perfect and BAM he cheated. Our marriage was in trouble. We brought up the problems we had, but nothing ever transpired to actually fix them. Instead of being partners, we were constantly in a power struggle. I never felt more alone then I did when I was married.

By the time I discovered he cheated, it just sealed the deal for me to divorce. We had so many communication issues at that point, and to add "getting over" an affair was ridiculous at best.

Currently, My X and I (who have a pretty awesome son togethers, so I know we did one thing right) get along better NOW than when we were married...but I'm not stupid. I know we get along better because our only concern is our son, so the compromise...wheeling and dealing...high expectation of a spouse is off the table.

I am only saying that I share in, and take ownership, of my part in a failing marriage. He wasn't some monster that wreaked havoc on the household while I was the damsel in distress.

Now, where I cannot give my opinion, is choosing to reconcile after an affair. I chose differently, and my choice works for me and my emotional, physical, and mental health. But, it's not for everyone.

Bottom line: whatever you feel, share it. Don't leave feelings hidden, or resentment grows. Resentment only adds fuel to the problems and never helps to resolve it.

Take care :)

Thanks for your response

I agree with most of what you said except for maybe the fog part and that is partially due to the fact that our counsellor does and it would seem counter productive if I didn't buy in.

I guess I am blessed (using blessed awkwardly) because my wife's affair was really short lived 2.5 weeks. Not that it makes it ok or better there just wasn't a lot of time for any heavy emotions to come into play. Before everyone jumps in and starts yelling about how I can't be sure - you are right - but at some point you have to give in or give up. Either way I am quite confident with the details I have received. They seem to match my investigations.

They only had intercourse once, and once again, fortunately for me it seems like it was a very unpleasant experience. Won't get into details but as mentioned above, at some point you will just have to accept. I will say that the details she did provide we're not designed to soften any blow.

I believe / know she deeply regrets what has happen - the ball is unfortunately in my court. My kids are a huge motivation - not the reason - to work things out, but my main motivation is the mad love I have for my wife. Was has been confirmed by this whole thing.

I need to accomplish two things in order to survive this 1. Defeat the images (and the fiction ) that my mind creates. 2. Stop talking about it, at least with her, if we are going to move forward.

I do love her. I know she loves me because I put her through a lot upon first discovery - more than was expectable mentally - and she stuck around.

I feel like I am off topic - what I am looking for is support in getting by my road blocks. I really want to grow old with my wife, who did make a really big mistake (I don't believe she had any intentions in hurting her family in all this), but nevertheless she has made the right steps in repairing. Now it is on me.

The internet is a great place for people in distress, but what I a learning from this experience is that those who seem to want to work it out, and are positive are few and far between. Perhaps that is due to the fact that those who have come to terms have moved on from this terrible state of mind and would rather not revisit it.

It's totally up to you how you handle it. I don't, personally, think the amount of time makes a difference- cheating is cheating and a betrayal of marriage vows, but I can see where it makes you feel better to think of it having only been 2.5 weeks.

I knew my X cheated for 9 months. It wasn't until THIS year, almost three years postdivorce, that I discovered it had been 15. Is it possible our wife is lying? Yes. Is it possible she is telling the truth? Yes.

I find the fog to be the world's most convenient excuse, but like I said, that's me. I do wonder, though, if forcing yourself to "buy into" what the counselor says about the fog isn't counterproductive in and of itself?

You say in order to get past this you need to stop talking to your W about it...I wonder if choosing not to communicate is ever the best idea?