onyx, the hormones start gradually around puberty, eventually setting us up for our child rearing years. Basically, we get naturally drugged into being more tolerant so that we will be willing/able to nurture our family units.

A woman who has always had intimacy problems and is suddenly more sexual in her 40'a might be feeling a surge of personal power, stronger sense of self.....maybe she's found someone over whom she feels superior, or who makes her feel less vulnerable....a victim trying to take back something that was taken from her?

Not excusing, just looking at possible cause and effect. I think that entrance into Crazytown, how one handles personal crisis, depends on a persons set of coping skills. People can only do what they can with the tools in their kit. If they've learned to get by with nothing but duct tape and WD40 they may not seek out better tools and, instead, rely on what they perceive as having worked in the past.

Yes - I am a guy - and I know each women is different. Only thing I know is that I see a lot - I mean a lot of women I hear of women are cheating on their H. I know a lot doesnt qualify much and is very general and vague.

My neighbor was cheating on twice and married twice - super nice guy etc. The other neighbor - same deal - my sisters neighbor - my parents know about 25 from friends and starbucks.

I know it goes two ways - man/women - I think you make a good point about the coping skills and personal crisis.

I think a lot of it may stem from daddy issues and at some point women may look at their H's as daddys and project whatever back on them at around a certain age instead of dealing with it maturally/or coping skills situation.

I do know some women at age 40 that all of the sudden want to advance in their careers and do not focus on the family as much - I know its not a one size fit all situation. I wish everyone could just work things out and communicate better. One common trait to his situation and mine was that my STBX was super poor at communication - never a deep conversation - and he was telling me this as well about his CS.

There are loads of things that make people more inclined to do this that and the other: hormonal changes, the family of origin, genetics, societal norms, peer pressure, life changes/problems.... and the list goes on. My take is that although we are adults we still need to heed to something to give us a moral and sensible grounding despite our many vulnerabilities. Without that a person can be like a leaf in the wind....blowing here and there. Trouble is some of us feel we are grown up now and free to do whatever with nothing nor no-one to answer to.

I am a youth facilitator in my church. We recently spent a whole year in sessions with our teens and young adults dealing with things sexual or related. As Christians we teach abstinence before marriage. Some of the girls opened up about their challenges with that and gave reasons why they had, have or wanted to have sex. What we said to them was that there will always be reasons, but if you believe and obey what God says you won't need to reason around anything. You just do or don't do, as He commands, whether you like it or not and that will protect you from unwanted pregnancy, STD'S, disgrace, etc........as one or two of them had already suffered.

My intention here is not to impose my faith on anyone nor to suggest the rights or wrongs about sex before marriage. But I am using this example to say that a strong and inflexible moral code will protect us from all the variables that can make us inclined to do stupid things. It doesn't matter that we're grown. We still need to be controlled and accept instruction despite whatever vulnerabilities. As children we have our parents to keep us in line. As adults we still need to have something/s else to help us. .

Just do as you're told and you won't have to think for yourself. Convenient.

Onyx, don't you wish there could be one simple, cut and dried answer to why? More guaranteeing I hear people wishing for some certainty, where one can say 'these are the risk factors which, if avoided, can prevent this pain'. A formula that makes sense. There's no security at l in the idea that people cheat just because they want to or they can.

I really wish there were better answers for you. Good on you for being willing to keep questioning.

It is such a huge mountain to get over for me, as well...why? What was wrong with him? Same thing, 41, midlife crisis bull. I do think, speaking for a non-cheater 40 year old woman's perspective, I feel a difference in myself after being exposed to all this. I don't know if I believe in a committed marriage right now. How is it possible? It seems everywhere I look, there are cheaters. Maybe this is the time we should all do that...before we get too old a saggy to enjoy it?
There's your sign! Crazy town around the corner for me, I guess...
Although, my core being would never allow me to do it, LOL.

Fibre:

Nothing wrong with thinking for yourself if you can think sensibly. Most teenagers are still maturing and not capable of that in some regards, sexual matters being one of them. In your profession Im sure you see that plenty and thats why the schools have rules to help to control them. Even as adults we cant be trusted to think sensibly all the time. Can you imagine what it would be like without traffic laws, and in general a legal system?

As humans were not all that. We need to be controlled. Everywhere you go there are rules to control us and we have to be constantly protecting ourselves from other people. If its needed in the physical world it makes sense to me, given our loose cannon nature that we ought to bind ourselves to spiritual/moral rules as well to help to control our inner tendencies that come from whatever.

If one is not religiously nor spiritually inclined then they at least ought to develop a moral code for selflessness, compassion, fairness, kindness and respect for others, and STICK TO IT............with no excuses for this that or the other idiosyncrasy/happenstance..

We live in a society where so much of ths thinking is done for us that people rarely have occasion to think for themselves. The problem with external control is that it is nowhere to be found when kids are out of reach. I am not a public school educator. I teach kids how to think rather than what to think.

If your God wanted us to follow directives, just do or don't do as told, He would not have given us free will. We have the ability to think for ourselves, and sense our own convictions, because we're supposed to. Kids who are allowed to experience their own conscience, rather than having 'right' dictated to them, will carry their own convictions with them wherever they go, well beyond our reach or line of sight.

Unfortunately, thinking for themselves is a skill too often hijacked in very early life by people who think that kids are born imperfect (why would your God do that?) and not yet ready to learn.

I agree that its a wonderful thing to allow and teach children to think for themselves and that's one of the great things about IB schools. But they still need to adhere to rules whether they like them or not, for their betterment.

In the same way we would pull a 4 year old away from going near a pan of hot oil on the stove and not allow them to rationalise whether to go closer or not, there are some life rules that we adults have to force ourselves to obey because they make sense, whether we see it or not.

Prisoners are in prison because they thought for themselves instead of obeying the laws of the land. Marriages are in shambles because people are thinking for themselves and not aligning their thoughts with their vows and the laws of marriage.

Yes God gave us directives which if obeyed help us in the end but he also gave us a free will and does not force anyone. We just accept the consequences for what we choose to do or not.

Lifestyles for both women and men are becoming more complex and unless the basic ground rules for marriage and family are maintained I think there will be more cheating going forward. Perhaps some day we will all come full circle and get back to the basics. Just to quote a scripture that is dear to my heart and causes me to check myself at times (again this is my thing not to be imposed on anyone):

"There is a way that seems right to a man but the end of it is destruction" That's from Proverbs.

Adhering to rules can keep us from doing stupid things and protect us from our own selves.

Onyx:

It is indeed sorrowful to hear of men who are saying that women are not communicating well, and I hear it too in my sphere. I suppose this was always the case but in the past you would have heard more about the reverse. I tend to think people are less likely to communicate when they already have an agenda. Don't think for one moment that women are having affairs because they are not communicating their unmet needs. Again I will take my licks for this if I have to but......women know vey well how to communicate unmet needs...better than men do....but my guess is that when they don't it's because they may not really want their needs met in the marriage. or may think communicating that would be futile. All grounds/excuses for cheating.

meant to say grounds as "grounds".....quote on quote.

I am going to generalize here so....Don't yell at me...

I have no idea if this is true or not but I have been told by women that most women are not great communicators in "general" - that when you all get together you can talk about stories - chat etc - but when it comes to communicating you aren't that expressive about your true feelings when it comes to conveying that to a man. Again - this is in general.

Which is sort of new to me as a guy - because like most guys - we see women always chatting and talking on the phone - so we think we aren't that great at communicating - and you guys are better - I think in general most guys can get right to the point - when shopping we go right for what we want and leave - we arent drifting around - we have an objective and go for it.

I think when most guys get together we tend to talk about sports or work or play sports together - some activity. We aren't just chit chatting.

I think most guys can probably say we like this or that and get specific. Whether most women can say that - not quite sure - I am sure some women can get right to the point as well.

Venius and mars situation? perhaps. I tend to get right to the point - my GF tends to say one thing and mean another.

I think it's more nurture than nature, a matter of what a person has learned, regardless of gender. You might guess that I come from a home where everything got dragged out and talked about until real resolutions were reached. Because of that positive experience with communicating leading to a desired outcome, I'm very outspoken and driven to work toward understanding and resolution.

My husband, on the other hand, free up in a 'sweep it under the rug' kind of family where issues weren't real.as long as they weren't spoken of. They had a house big enough to avoid conflict by avoiding each other, so he never needed communication skills until he got involved with me. Actually, he needed them before but without such skills, and partners with equal skills, his prior relationships failed miserably.

Boy, did he have some adjusting to do when I came along! Poor guy just wanted to get laid, get married, have kids and cruise through life like his parents did, without any real relationship, just going through the motions. He was not prepared for the reality and hard work of actually relating.