Neverceases, if I remember correctly, you chose to stay with your cs. Atleast that's what you said when you first came here but now you are telling people to leave and end it. Have things changed for you?

I don't think anybody says staying in the marriage is the only way to go. Infact there are plenty of those who have chooses divorce. If staying and rebuilding is what a couple chooses then they will both have to explore any holes in the marriage. Or just from the A but from before the A.

I don't condone blaming the bs for the cs choice to cheat. However in many instances the bs has issues that they need to fix prior to the A. These issues can weaken a marriage and cause a certain degree of vulnerability. Again in my opinion that still doesn't put the blame for the cs choice to cheat on the bs, but does say that the bs and cs both have ownership in the marriages state prior to the A.

I'm an advocate for rebuilding but if either spouse refuses to do the work,mthen I think rebuilding will fail and in those cases then divorce seems to be the most logical option rather than stay in a broken marriage.

What is it your trying to say? That sometimes it is better not to reconcile? Duh!

So those of us trying to reconcile are "reconciliation mongers". What does that mean?

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/monger
a person who attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable usually used in combination ...

I am a strict believer in be happy married or be happy divorced. Don't be miserable with your decisions. If you are going to put in the effort to stay married, and you are happy with yourself for that decision- awesome :) If you aren't happy with your marriage, and you will be happier divorced- awesome :) The affair itself SUCKS. But while your SO is trying to rebuild being trustworthy, you should be rebuilding the trust you have in yourself. Just my opinion.

Going....your responses are usually not like that so you surprised me. The "mongers" I was referring to are those that believe that "infidelity can be the best thing for a marriage". I don't believe too many people here believe that but there are many therapists and snake oil salesman trying to peddle their self help books or DVD's that do actually believe that. There is an actual book entitled "Why my husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me".

I would in fact refer to them as mongers because that's sort of bullshit IMHO. (Infidelity saves marriages) The article pretty much says it all and is worth reading. I don't think that it's a bad thing to reconcile with a truly remorseful CS but they are the exception and not necessarily the rule. The general advice out there for BS is to hang in and give it a shot and take responsibility for your part in their affair. I say there is another side and presented the article.

That's all. No more, no less.

Pink-

I read my post a few times and I don't see a reference to leaving or staying. The link to the article I posted is about the myriad of bad advice being given out by so called professionals. In addition to advising people to stay in a marriage where infidelity has occurred they are telling them 1). Your marriage can become better than ever as a result 2) The betrayed spouse should take ownership to the part in the marriage in which "gave the CS space to be unfaithful".

That sounds a little like 1) crap 2) blame shifting from a therapist (like the blame shifting we get from our spouses isn't enough.)

That's all I was saying.

Think about it from the therapist's perspective with regard to job security.

Most people in MC came there b/c they are already in crisis, so the therapist isn't going to suggest divorce, thereby advising him/herself out of a job!

No- they try to keep the couple together... and miserable, thereby insuring a looooonnng relationship with their checkbooks!

I am referring to your general responses to bs.

Usually we reccomend what we chose. Like me for instance, I chose to stay and rebuild with a seperation as part of my process. It's what I know, and it worked for me so I reccomend it.

Usually those who divorce advocate for that end because it's what they know and it worked for them.

So my confusion is that I thought you were one that chose to stay yet your recondition is usualy to leave. I could be remembering your history wrong. There are many users who come and go here and I get the detailsofmtheir situations mixed upmarket

You are a bs who's H cheated and you are still together right?

IMO I believe you should read the book 'my husbands affair is the bet thing that ever hapened to me" before you trash it, you may be syrprised.

Hey Kansas !!! long time no see. How are you?

Hey Pink! Hangin in, how about you?

Good. Nice to see you stop by.