As I am getting closer to ending my marriage and I wanted to remind myself why have I given up trying. I wanted to share a piece from my journal I wrote a while back:

I am searching for answers that I will never find. Searching for hope that will never come. Searching for my life to return in order to find peace in my heart so it doesnt hurt me so much. How can my heart stop aching when there is a hole in it, part of it is missing? I know it will ache for the rest of my life for this is something that it cant forget, it is something it cant forgive, it is something that was taken.

Part of my heart is gone and I must learn how to beat again. Find another rhythm that has no true path only sorrow for what was done. It is yet again another day that passes without part of me. I know what is left of me and see what it has done to me and again I pray I will return but I know part of me is gone. Part of my heart was taken from me and given away to other men. My answers are there but I refuse to accept them for if I do, I must accept the fact that she did this intentionally without thinking of me. There was no love when she was off loving other men or at least loving other men to love her in ways she enjoyed.

I can see her getting f#@%ed by other men and I know she enjoyed it. I know how much she wanted it and how hard she went to get it. My heart again aches because my mind, body, and soul are connected to her. That is the pain I have to learn to live with. I will never be able to let this go. No matter how hard I have tried there is a part of me that is a part of her and that part cant let go because you cant let go of what you have done, you can only live with what is left.

It is like standing in a hurricane, seeing it coming at you. There is nothing you can do to stop it, you can only let it pass and live with what is left after it has gone. Pick up the mess and try to rebuild. That part I never understand. You know another one may come along but you rebuild in the same place and pray it doesnt come again but you know there will be a chance that it will come again. Like her affairs and the men she had sex with. I know how hard it is to rebuild because I know she could return and the only thing I have to protect me is leave to another place that doesnt have hurricanes or rebuild and pray she doesnt destroy me yet again if she returns. Keep telling myself if it happens again I will move and be done with them yet here I stay with only hope I never have to go through this again. Picking up the mess that something else did and trying to forgive the destruction standing before me.

I am not whole, I am not well, I am only half the man I thought I was. Pecking away on this stupid keyboard as if somehow it is going to give me a revelation on how to live life again without pain. Answer all my questions if only I asked the right questions. Why not just go out and buy a magic eight ball and ask the same questions for the answer would be the same. Yes, no, maybe so, like talking to myself is the answers. I already know what the answers are yet I refuse to accept them because those answer hurt too much. Look at what I am asking myself and wonder why am I asking for I know the answers the idiot side of me, doing the same thing over and over again hoping the results will be different. Like sleeping, I go to bed with the nightmares that have become my life and hoping when I wake there will be no more.

Sleeping has become my enemy, I fight it each night knowing I need to sleep but also knowing how much pain there is when I wake. If only I can stay awake and think myself past another day only to find I must start again when I wake. Start to convince myself tomorrow will be better only to find it was like the night before. Start all over again with my thoughts and work all day to get past those thoughts only to be reminded when I wake that the thoughts of yesterday are here tomorrow and sleeping only postpones them and sleep doesnt take them away.

I am told that it will get better in time. No it doesnt, it only gives you more time to think about it. There are so many things that remind me of what she has done. When I see her, it reminds me what she has done. I know her and who she was, know the pleasure she had doing what she did. Pleasing herself knowing the pain she would cause yet she could care less about the pain she caused only cared about pleasure she got herself. That is the pain I feel inside, knowing she didnt care. How can you not feel the pain inside the person you say you love? I feel the pain she has caused each and every day because I seen the smile in her while she was off f@#king other men and I know she didnt care about me. I look back at all the times that I know now what she was doing and there was never a time when she felt guilt or shame when she was getting f@#ked. I can see now the times she came back to me after she was f@#king other men. I see who she was now and how she would get mad at me so she could justify her actions. I know now why she treated me so badly and used me as excuses to justify what she was doing. I see the pain she gave me back then to torture me yet again to justify it was me who was doing it to her so she wouldnt feel bad about f@#king other men. Used me as that excuse, used me as her reason, used me as her validation. She would always return with a smile on her face.