Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I found this posted on a different site when I first found out about the affair, I loved it because it put my exact feelings into words I think my H could understand. I just wanted to share it with you guys
To Whomever,
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesnt mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesnt he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter Im going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least youre carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isnt really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you dont have.
Now lets enter my reality. Lets both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me dont worry about it, its not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say dont worry about it, its not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, whats the difference, its not important. Then later when Im expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I cant just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Dont you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesnt come from jealousy, it doesnt come from spitefulness, and it doesnt come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldnt it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldnt it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I cant and the reason I cant is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
Joseph
To Whomever,
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesnt mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesnt he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter Im going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least youre carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isnt really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you dont have.
Now lets enter my reality. Lets both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me dont worry about it, its not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say dont worry about it, its not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, whats the difference, its not important. Then later when Im expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I cant just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Dont you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesnt come from jealousy, it doesnt come from spitefulness, and it doesnt come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldnt it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldnt it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I cant and the reason I cant is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
Joseph
I am going to use some of the excerpts from this letter to write one to my H - hopefully he will then be able to understand a little more easily why I can't just 'get over it'!!
I could not have said it better myself. And I have tried to say it in a million different ways. Thanks for sharing this!
My h is finally answering my questions and it has made a world of difference. yet, there are still missing peices and I try to tell myself, that I know enough, but the letter explains exactly how I still feel.
Kimmie,
You are not alone. I broke an entire inside door down a
year or so ago. I WAS ONE OF THE MOST MELLOW AND UDERSTANDING person I knew. I never understood how people could punch a hole in the wall..."how childish", I thought. Of course, it is childish but infidelity brings up the most primitive fear and anguish. i had no idea!
when you trust someone for a decade or decades, then find that they were exploiting that love and trust and lying to you about their feelings having changed...the world spins.
I wish all of us will gain the understanding we need to heal.
I will warn you, some of what you may learn if true honesty is achieved can be VERY painful. My H has now admitted that he told the OW alot of things to make her fall for him. He sugar coated all of this with me previously to spare my feelings. He admits that he meant some of it at that time and that really hurts. It probably hurts her too when she thinks back.
So in your quest to know decide how much disclosure you really want and let your spouse know if there are some things you don't want to know. While it may seem important to know everything. In the end some of that information may end up causing you more pain than good and may end up destroying what you are hoping to rebuild.
Her site is:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
For me, however, I was not provided with that opportunity. She is the one that cheated on me and she is the one that filed for divorce. My questions were unanswered and all I got was denial when I confronted her. I have accepted that and moved on. Because she no longer has any meaning in my life (other than being the mother of my children), I don't need to know. I've moved on.