Hi Chewdy, gotta say you need to tell H how your feeling and you have every right to feel that way. The first steps to repair the damage to any relationship is to be open and honest even if it hurts. H put you in this position of feeling insecure and jealous due to the EA, so your fears are not unfounded. Trust has to be earned and H needs to earn it and to make the decision to move away from any flirt and to be considerate of noticing other women at all times.

I have had years and years of watching and being jealoues and its destroyed me and now what I believed was happening was and when I confronted my H he denied it all.

People lie and it leads to jealousy and insecutrity and it damages your self esteem. If your H truly wants you and him to work he needs to know what you are going through and he needs to make changes so you dont have to feel jealous and feel bad about it.

You have done nothing wrong and what you are feeling is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Stay strong.

Chewdy -- have to agree with Twice on telling your husband how you feel. Given what he put you through, he should understand. Yes, it may be innocent or he may not realize what he's doing-- but it bothers you and that IS important. You said he made you feel like you were not enough - but you are! Ignoring or denying that you feel this way doesn't sound like truly 'moving on'. Chances are you'll just continue feeling insecure, worrying and being jealous. Wishing you the best as you work through repairing.

I think part of the problem with my relationship is that my husband interacted with other women than way and definitely gave off the vibe that flirting was okay, He didn't even realize that some women might be uncomfortable with that type of interaction with a married man. He's beginning to learn appropriate boundaries in therapy.

That's tough. I would be in the camp that says you have to tell your H how you feel except that I had the same feelings and when I told my ex - he threw it back at me and now he is my ex. Of course I suppose - if he throws it back at you he should be an ex. If he rolls with it and you get a code word where you let him know you need a little extra exclusive attention and he understands and stops flirting and you feel lots of positive attention from him - well then you know he is concerned about you.

Yea - it only seems fair to both of you to tell him in a nice way and suggest a way he can help you when you are feeling insecure.

It comes down to your being insecure where you are. I think...

What you thought was pretty solid, you found is not all that solid. Now? Seeing as you found out the hard way that this is not so solid (your relationship), you are feeling insecure.

'If it can happen once, can it happen again?'

Talk to your man. If you are really on the road to healing, he may need to know this.

L~

I can relate to your feelings. I'm constantly comparing myself to OW and in my my mind I always come in way behind whoever I'm comparing myself to. My self esteem is NOTHING. I hate that most of all, I think.

My nice looking H is always getting attention from women. He is youthful looking and it diesnt help that i am slightly older. The thing that burns me is that he doesnt discourage it . I dotn think I will ever be ok with that. Since the A, it makes me sick to my stomach.

In addition to what others have said, I think there's nothing more compelling than when we ourselves exude our own inner confidence, beauty, and allure. That is not to say that we should try to turn the tables and act out in ways to make our foolish spouses jealous, but rather, that we work towards that state of being that attracts attention without overtly asking for it. It's a kind of mystique that comes from working on ourselves, inside and out.

very well said, temperance

You need to tell him how you feel. He needs to change his behavior. If he won't change his behavior, then you know he doesn't care enough for you to stop what ever it is that makes you feel this way. I've always thought flirting is the on ramp to an affair. It's disrepectful to say the least.

As everyone has said so far, you need to talk to him. My h was also a flirty kind of guy and women flirted with him too. We have been together for 11 years and it had never been an issue for me before. But that was BEFORE. Things that were overlooked and acceptable before are not that way now. Boundaries were crossed and my h obviously didnt see them before it went too far so I am not confident that he sees them as he should have. He agrees that he obviously missed that line. He also agrees that one of the things that the OW saw as a green light was him calling her "sweetie" which he had called many many women for years. He never thought anything of it and frankly neither did I because I knew he never meant it as a true come on. But she thought he was, and he agrees that he never wants to give another woman the wrong impression again. So now he is much much more careful. I am much much more aware and sensitive. My self esteem also took a huge hit as would anyone's that went through their spouse cheating.

The most important thing we also learned though in this was we MUST communicate our feelings to each other. That is what got us into this mess as well. He felt insecure in our relationship and that is why he was eventually vulnerable to cheating. If he had discussed his feelings with me, I would have reassured him of how much I loved him and desired him. This is a MAJOR part of the repair stage!!!

One of our strategies I have mentioned before. I had gotten to the point where I had already asked all the questions and he had already answered all of them. One of his issues was me bringing up the A throughout the day by me commenting or something bothering me. I understood it bothered him because it made him feel like crap when he was reminded of what he did. However, I still had emotions to deal with and I needed to be able to discuss those with my closest friend and lover. Because I knew it did, I would hold in my issues and feelings till I had come to a point where I felt I had to bring it up. I would approach him with them feeling worried but also I would be so on edge because I had been holding them in for so long. Then I would start talking and the slightest hesitation or negative response from him and I would BLOW...why because deep down I resented having to hold this stuff in because he created the problem. Also because I held them in, when we did discuss them it would be a long conversation and more often than not one that was NOT a positive one.

We came up with the solution of me having 15 minutes each day that I could freely bring up and discuss anything. No matter what it was or how touchy, I had that time. Whenever I am hit with a feeling or the need to share something about it, I can now do so and we have 15 minutes to talk about it. He also has the comfort of knowing that it will NOT be a long drawn out discussion. I am very careful to make sure I keep to the 15 minutes so he knows it will not be a long one and I also know that if I bring it up it better be what I want to use my 15 minutes for so I dont pepper the day with comments about the A.

It has really worked well. It took pressure off of both of us and now we have been making HUGE advances in healing. I cant promise it will make as big of a difference for you, but it really has worked well for us. Just a suggestion for you to consider. Mostly, you will need to find what does work for you because the one thing that will NOT work is holding in everything.

Chewdy, I believe its natural to feel this way. I know how you feel. everytime his phone goes off, I suspect its another woman. You may have some closeted emotions that come from this EA, and there may be some other things that are also bothering you. I know that mine is that he hasn't apologized for any of the things that he did. It takes a long time to gain trust in a relationship, but even longer when one has strayed.