No, there's nothing wrong with you.

The emotions aren't easy to navigate. Sometimes we expect them; most often, we don't. They slap us upside the head, make us think like people we know we are not, and really turn us inside out.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this now, but it will pass. Have you been keeping a journal? Sometimes writing about your negative emotions really lets you blow off some steam in a very healthy way. I know it's helped me.

Good luck!

I am a year past DDAY and I still have moments. My H is not living home yet but we are still best friends regardless and I hope in time we will be able to work through this (other issues with depression, money...all getting in the way) but anyway...

I was in a good mood, kids were going away for new years and i planned all day to spend time with him, really looking forward to it. Well he called I turned into this monster. Not prevoked but almost like I am miserabe, u need to be too. It had hit me that last year (when I thought the A had ended) he dropped the kids and I off and went straight to her house after midnight and I lost it. I wanted him to feel bad, I wanted him to feel quilty and upset like me and I sure made it clear how upset I was at that moment.

This is not the person i am. I am almost too easy going sometimes but this brings us all to a place we have never gone before. Lucky for me my h supports these mood swings pretty well.

Allow yourself to feel, be angry, sad, mad as hell. I have learned the hard way that if you bottle up those feelings they will only come back to bite you in the but later on.

This is normal. It seems like a lot of times it happens once the shock wears off and you start feeling secure again. That's when all of the emotions that were suppressed while you were in shock/survival mode start to bubble to the surface. You can get hit with so many off the wall ideas and emotions. It really sucks. One minute you feel stupid and played and the next you have understanding for the CS, then the next minute you feel selfish and wanting what they had, and then the next you know you could never do what they did, and one minute you feel loved and certain the relationship can last, and the next you are sure it is doomed and you can't stop crying. Its crazy. Just don't do anything compulsively. Think everything through and don't let who you really are get lost in the mess.

"It seems like a lot of times it happens once the shock wears off and you start feeling secure again. That's when all of the emotions that were suppressed while you were in shock/survival mode start to bubble to the surface."

I also find that it happens at this time because I am reminded that I was completely blindsided, so feeling secure is not really secure. Isn't it great?

I experience moments of intense rage. I am not a person that throws things or loses it in anger. On Dday, yes that day I did lose it bad and commenced to beating my h about the head with his own steel toed boot. That shocked me but honestly I felt he deserved it. Then a few days later I chunked the pizza box at his head (still containing the pizza)

The anger I felt was more than I had ever experienced. I also wanted him to hurt. To feel what I felt. I said so many really horrible things to him to make that happen. I shutter to think about some of the things that came flying out of my mouth.

I remember wishing that I could cheat on him just so he could feel as I do. But in order to accomplish that, I would actually have to do this. Then I would get mad at him all over again because I couldnt even do that!!

I agree with Natty. I felt much better during our separation in some ways than I do now, because I was in survival mode, not dealing with my emotions. Somehow I was able to turn of all feelings for him during that time. Now that he's back it's all coming out again.
The loss of the feeling of security is awful. It is a basic human need and it's gone for me. The hardest part is that it was an illusion and never really there to begin with. Then I feel like a fool for thinking it was there when it wasn't. I hate feeling like we are all just a few seconds away from doom. I think about revenge often, I hope it will pass in time. And no there is nothing wrong with you!

Totally normal and justified. Just remember these two things:
The better person doesn't sink to anothers level, but rises above. And, living well is the best revenge.

It's human nature to want to strike back-NORMAL.

Thanks everyone for pulling me away from my low point.