Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

4,945 Members

18,074 Posts

0 Online

Leftbehind20 04/26/2018

So bit of a back story first. My partner and I were together for 19 years, he went to work out of town for a few months, within 2 months of being back home he was saying he was unhappy in his life and wanted a trial separation. Well that turned into a separaion of 18 months. During the whole time he kept telling me he didn't know what he wanted, he was lost etc. I kept asking if he was involved with this girl that he became friends with while out of town. He swore to me he wasn't!! Found out last month that was all a lie!! So I've been devasted that I was holding on to hope believing we could work things out!

During the months that we were apart I've been receiving nasty messages from her or someone claiming to be her. I Kept calling him out on them & he kept saying it wasn't her. Not sure who it was.

Well tonight she texted me to say it wasn't her. Well I in no uncertain terms told her I didn't believe someone who could get involved with someone who was married, she says he told her he's never been married (we've never legally tied the knot cause he doesn't believe a piece of paper was needed). I told her this and also told her that we celebrated our 19th anniversary after he met her. I also told her that until recently he told me he wasn't involved with her. I ask her when they started hooking up she said July (our anniversary is in August) she asked for proof that we were still together in August so I showed her a picture taken on our anniversary from my Instagram so the date was on it. I also sent her a picture of an email from this February where he says he doesn't know what he wants, he needs to think about us, that him renting a place of his own doesn't mean it's the end for us. So she says thanks and that she will be walking away.

Well now he is pissed at me!! I'm sorry but I believed his lies for 18 months and because she contacted me and I told her the truth of his lies I am the one in the wrong?? I'm being vindictive?? He is done with me!! Maybe if he wasn't lying to everyone this wouldn't have happened! Maybe if he was honest from the beginning!!! But no I am the bad guy in all of this!!! Maybe if he had cared this much for me and our relationship this wouldn't have happened! Maybe if he had respected me enough he would have told me the truth from the beginning.

The stupid part is I still love him. I don't think I want him back anymore but I do still love him.

forwardmotion 04/26/2018

You may want to evaluate why you love him. He doesn't seem to have any honorable traits that is deserving of love.

He lies, lacks commitment, betrays people, and only thinks of his own happiness.

It doesn't appear he has any discernible moral compass as somehow he's upset about you ruining his affair....

Read the "Welcome to the Newly Betrayed" post.

Consider that what you feel for him is not love anymore but attachment due to the fear of being alone.

Marital love requires trust....do you trust him?

MrCellophane 04/26/2018

Marriage isn't for everybody - But people who say "a piece of paper is not needed" are generally just afraid of commitment. It's a Get Out of Jail Free card. That also explains the 18 month trial separation. 18 months is not a "trial separation." It's A SEPARATION.

betrayedtodeath 04/26/2018

Oh dear. The getting angry at you for telling the other woman the truth is such a classic response. He's mad because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You took that away from him and now he's all upset. These types have 3 channels (in lieu of actual feelings or emotions): self-pity, charm and rage. He's on the rage channel at the moment. If he decides Schmoopie is really done with him and won't take him back, be prepared for him to try to suck you back in by using the charm and/or self-pity channels. Its all so predictable.

Also, the "marriage is just a piece of paper" is such a classic avoidance of commitment as @MrCellophane points out.

Where is any concern for YOUR wellbeing? You may love him but it is a 1 way street. He seems incapable/unwilling to reciprocate. Do you find this acceptable? Can you continue to be involved with a liar? Don't your needs and feelings matter? You cannot fix or change those who do not wish to do the hard work for themselves. He has shown you who he is; believe him. He was hiding from you who he really was underneath, all along.

I wish you the best.

MrCellophane 04/26/2018

Betrayedtodeath makes a good point: People who cheat have not "changed" from being awesome, amazing, terrific, loving, and caring partners into raving lunatics. No. The act of cheating merely reveals who they were all along. For whatever reason, the devil inside finally makes its way to the surface.

Now, I'm not saying "Kick him to the curb and be done with him!" Rather, I'm saying: If you decide you want to continue a relationship with him, there really need to be some extreme, fundamental changes - or this whole experience will pop up to haunt you again, and again, and again. Until you die. Why live that way?

tacundra1 04/29/2018

It hurts I know, I’m in the same situation, they always think the grass is greener on the other side.

Leftbehind20 04/29/2018

Bebe11 I would like to try to repair our relationship but I don't think he wants to. So I have to find a way to let him go.

Tacundra1 it is so hard. I keep asking why he would do this? Why wouldn't he try to fix us. Then I wonder why he couldn't have just told me the truth from the beginning instead of letting me hold onto hope for a reconciliation.

Tigerhound1967 04/30/2018

Unfortunately, there are some people out there that want to have their cake and eat it too. My wife's AP is one of these. She has told him that right now she wants to see if we can be fixed, but he wants her to split with me even though he has another woman he lives with that he isn't planning on leaving. Some people just don't have a commitment gene. And a lot of times they are missing the honesty gene as well.

forwardmotion 04/30/2018

I wish you could blame it on genes but it their decisions and level of character that wasn't built up during their childhood/adolescence, and adult years.

Leftbehind I think the bigger issue is that you still want to mend this relationship. You need to ask yourself why you are pursuing this?

Leftbehind20 05/01/2018

I'm still pursuing it because I am still in love with him. Because he has been my best friend for 19 years. Over half my life.
Because when I see him it feels right to be together.

That's what I don't get. He still treats me like he has in the past. Last week he took our kids out and when he brought them home he brought me my favourite chocolate bar. How can he treat me like he always has but says he has no feelings. I just don't understand. And maybe that is the hardest part that he treats everything that has happened as so normal. But nothing's normal anymore.

forwardmotion 05/01/2018

Counseling may be necessary for you. It could be codependency issues that cause you fear being alone after all this time.

It may take time for the image of who you thought he was to fade away and be replaced with who he really was this whole time.

Once you are able to separate the fantasy from the reality it will be easier to come to grips with this. Everyone goes through this. The shock can last a few months.

dahlia639 05/01/2018

I've been through the exact same thing. I was in a relationship for 12.5 years. He started going to company events and a woman co-worker was there. One thing lead to another and now we are split and he's with her. He always denied that something was going on. I read that a man will not leave a current relationship until they have someone else and have started a new relationship. I see that this is true over and over. You say you still love him. I still love my ex too. But you know what? We are in love with the good guy. The good times and companionship we HAD. You have to realize that that is over. He has lied and cheated. He can't be trusted. Trust is the basis of a strong relationship .Do yourself a big favor and try to move on. It is not easy believe me. Hugs to you!!!

Join the Conversation