I don't think she's sorry and I think she still wants her ex. You didn't do anything wrong and if she threw he likes her the way she is at you, think long and hard about trying to hang onto her.

You are NOT responsible for what they did. Not at all. They were a couple before so this is not her telling some guy she's single or a single guy tagging a woman he thinks is 'safe' because he doesn't have to commit. This is a conspiracy.

You're in the clear here. It's time for a careful re-evaluation.

I'm with you,
X

I'm sorry to hear things went so badly. You didn't deserve that. Hugs!

distance, sharing your feelings wasn't the problem. I think X may be correct. She's looking for any excuse to take off. Part of the reason she had her A is because she needs the validation. She obviously doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin, so she twisted your suggestion into you being critical, "saying that OM (her ex) was totally ok with her the way she was". This is an excuse.

Please don't second guess everything you say and do. This is a very emotional time. She got scared because you shoved some papers? Really?...another excuse. It's not like you punched her, shoved her or even touched her! I am so sorry she has done this to you, but you are allowed, no, you have the RIGHT to express how you feel! Sending you support.

It might have been an excuse, before Dday and even days after every time we argue my H will tell me that he wanted a divorce cause we argue to much, he was looking for an excuse to leave. My H dont react well to the screaming, crying and yelling so when I did that he would shot down and didnt want to talk - he just wanted to be left alone. I have learn that I keep myself calm, and it is really difficult sometimes, I get a better response/reaction from my H, I've been using "I" statements and trying to be assertive and in my case it has work better. I'm sorry for your pain - stay strong you are not alone!!!

I agree with the others--they want to be mad, they want a reason to be an asshole. She wants you to make it easy for her to walk away. F**k that!!!

Try as hard as you can, not to give her what she wants. Make her OWN it. This A, was not your fault. The marriage may have had or have some issues that need addressing---but it's not your fault she chose to run off and screw another person. That has nothing to do with you. My H did the same thing to me. It was incredible hard at times NOT to get upset and NOT to react, but I began to realize that by 'NOT" I was really helping myself out---I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for me. I felt like he could be mad and have a hissy all he wants, but he's NOT bringing in with him.

Even now when he gets angry---I don't fight back with him. I tell him that he's angry and talking about anything at the time is only going to make you MORE angry so "NO THANKS."

You've done NOTHING wrong. Let her go and I'd take my ass to the gym without her---as hard as it may be---just to prove that I'm gonna to be just fine, even if I have to fake it for a while.

And just to be clear---I'm not saying this is what you should do to try and keep her in the marriage. My point is this--if you don't want to be married to me, that's fine---be a man and tell me---don't try to fuck with me to make yourself look like a victim that tried everything to make their marriage work. Please. It's my way of DEMANDING honesty. And it's f**king hard, but worth all the hard work. And hopefull when it's all said and done, they'll learn something about themselves---which MIGHT lead to behavior modification.

I am it agreement with everyone. You did nothing wrong here. Your wife making that comment about what the other man was ok with was hurtful and out of line. If you explained to her your reasons for wanting to go to the gym ... it sounds like she was looking for a reason to get angry and leave. She wants to put the blame on you to make herself feel better. I'm so sorry. I really feel for you.

Thank you guys / gals for your support. I have really needed it today. She did call me this morning and of course i apologized to her. I know how i handeled the situation was wrong, and i know what i did was immature and stuff. I have been beating myself up over this last night and this morning. I even went as far as during my lunch hour getting some flowers and taking them to her office. I did not see her, but i left them there for her with their secretary.
Yes she may be looking for the easy out, and if so i played right into her game by not controlling myself. But i still feel really bad for how i handled myself.
Am i sorry for trying to express my feelings ..no, but i am sorry for my actions.

Where did she go when she left?

Next time, try just walking away and let have her pity party all by herself. That's my opinion.

I am guilty of much the same things. I'm almost 3 + years out and from experience I know how fear can mess with you. From what I've read, this is very normal. Eventually---you will get your feel.

I think we will eventually get to a "fed up" point---not that we're gonna to leave cause we're so tired of the BS---we're just not going to "engage" in that kind of behavior, because it's NOT a positive for the marriage.

Again---remember that you haven't done anything wrong---even though you feel as if you have---it is my opinion that you haven't.

Dis, you deserve better than that. You deserve to be respected and appreciated as well as loved.

Did she really BRING UP THE OTHER MAN!!!? My prayers to you honey...wow. Like that comment alone would have set me off....who gives a FLYING FUDGE what the OTHER MAN thinks!!!? Really...really.....

Distance, chiming in here. I don't have much to add. Seems to me, also, that she just wanted a good ol' excuse to fight and leave. To play the victim in all of this. To be the martyr.

'Oh, poor me, my Man says I need to work out.'

Sometimes it just boggles my mind how two people can see things so incredibly different and still we are expected to be able to communicate with eachother.

...oh...and paper landed in her direction....paper...and a book...(shaking my head here...)

Sending you suppport, L~

I agree with everyone else, the after math of what happened wasn't acceptable at all. She was looking for a way out, she's mourning her ex I guess. you tossed some papers onto the floor, you didn't beat her or raise your hand to her. It was just enough for her to have an excuse to leave and get sympathy elsewhere?.

I have to say one thing...selecting the gym as your date place...I would have been hurt by that too. For me, I would have been thinking..what am I too fat? Am I not good enough the way I am?

Your thinking going to the gym.. all comes down to a sexual incounter?. IMO You need to feed her biggest organ..her brain!!. Her brain needs to reconnect with you before her body ever will. Women know men connect physcially, many women connect emotionally, without the brain attraction...you get no other action.

Maybe the better approach would have been something that allowed you two to become close again, talk, sit face to face and reconnect. Hold hands, look at one another in the eyes, hug, remember the good times, make new memories...

It's going to be a restarting point for the both of you, there should be no mention of the OM, that's just spitful and hurtful and she hasn't had closure obviously. If I were you I would stop making sex the goal, and make emotional connections your top priority. IMO you would see faster results. You said you were sorry, and I hope she said the same and how she acted was blown out of control for something so little. Baby steps.

Where did she spend the night? Am I reading this wrong? Sounds like she had other plans all along. No matter what you would've suggested, she would have started a fight. She needed a way to get out of the house with no questions asked.

Dis, 2 things...the gym? While you had the best of intentions, she may have taken it wrong. I know if my h had suggested that as a date I may have been less than happy with him.

Now put that aside for a sec... while I may not be thrilled with your choice of a date, her throwing her ex, the guy she cheated on you with in your face??? OH HELL NO!!!! See, the thing is this, if my h EVER and I do mean EVER brought up the NAME of the OW much less said anything about something that was BETTER about her?? See it would NOT have been him leaving me for the night at all. It would have been me packing his bag for him and telling his a** that he can go have a go at her again and STAY!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL I would even consider trying to stay with him if he was going to first cheat on me and then throw the person he cheated on me WITH in my FACE???? Nope... there isnt anything about him special enough for me to stay with him for that. I mean why not just stab me in the back again and again??? Like betraying me the first time wasnt enough, now you need to kick the hell out of me over and over with it??

Hon, NO ONE that was truly sorry for cheating on you would have EVER done that, not if they were sorry and gave a damn about how badly they already hurt you. No one that actually cared and wanted to stay with you. And I probably would have told her that she is his EX for a damn reason so he must not be so perfect after all huh???

Sweetheart...you need to see this, you really do. Because while you may have made a bad choice of dates, it wasnt deserving of that at all. She obviously has serious issues with her own self esteem and she is using her EX as a weapon to hurt you. If she can do this NOW when she is suppose to be trying to make it up to you, then she is capable of anything down the line. Honestly, I dont think she has much of an intention of really trying here or there is no way she would have done that. My h got angry with me at times. We had some real hum dinger fights post Dday! But the ONLY one that EVER brought the OW up was ME!!! He wouldnt have DARED and honestly, he wouldnt have because he would have known that it would have been the blow I NEVER deserved in a million years. No one that loves you would have.