I asked that question "why" a lot. And, as suggested, no answer really quite seemed sufficient. I think that's true because the CS doesn't want to talk about the keen desire and passion they felt toward the other. I know my H avoided that admission. I think he inherently knew that when he did answer that question with the truth, that he desired the other greatly, the marriage relationship would be damaged (as if it wasn't already) beyond any complete repair. I feel like though I wanted the answer, I also knew the results of the answer. So, whether or not he ever had the wherewithal to answer honestly, I already knew the answer...really. His reluctance to tell the truth, only succeeded in a waste of time.

Hi Gettingback2good.

I was never married to the person I cheated on, but I cheated, and I feel I can still give some perspective. I feel like my cheating wasn't due to one factor; there were actually complicated layers to doing what I did. But if I had to give one reason, just one reason for my cheating, I would say that it was because I never really established boundaries for myself. I don't have any religious affiliations, and so I didn't have any moral rules to abide by. I had morals, I just didn't feel obligated to abide by them. And when you don't set restrictions for yourself, you are bound to go anywhere and do anything.

Hey weakminded, I find that interesting because I am a very religious person with high moral standards, but during that time I let it all go and turned my back on everything that matters to me. It is indeed complicated as to the how and why I got to that place. "Boundaries" is something that my priest has talked to me about. Particularly the complete lack thereof during the time of my A. I talked about it too when thinking back and evaluating the hows and whys. I don't think of the boundaries as one thick wall. It's more like a bundle of sticks that is unbreakable, but when you break one at a time the bundle gets weaker and weaker until it is gone.

I think faith does play a roll and have an effect in this whole thing, but on the other hand, there is much about the before during and after of an A that is exactly the same whether a person is a person of faith or not. This is something that I have noticed over the 3 years we have been on this site.

Like Pink said, it is often the fact in many cases that cheating, due to how they were raised, friends they grew up with, culture, etc., isn't viewed as this great evil, but normal and almost expected. Not everyone is raised with the same morals. For those individuals, there is no big personality change, no compartmentalization going on, no need to justify it.

Another way to look at it is they grew up and have lived in the fog for so long, it feels normal to them. They don't have to justify their actions, because the justifications are built in and accepted as normal and healthy. Despite the fact that it totally contradicts reality.

In Christian terms, living in a fallen world, it is easy to think of the fallen condition as "normal" and "how we were created," when in fact it isn't. And can be used to justify all types of sins, adultery being only one among many.

In which case, the truth is we all live in some fog thinking concerning our favorite sin to justify.

There are many things that can cause a weak point allowing for that moment where a person gives in to the moment (and all the moments that follow after.) I 100% agree that low self esteem can play a huge part, as can anything that lowers inhibitions (alcohol, drugs, being tired, etc.)

It's almost never just one thing. It's almost never, "She had nice boobs," or "He liked the same music," or ... it's usually, as was mentioned, a perfect storm.

And yeah, no, "the fog" isn't the reason, it isn't the excuse, it doesn't make actions (and inactions - like omitting truths) OK. But... The Fog DOES explain why people start down a path of pure stupidity. There are different types of fogs, and I firmly believe those who suffer with various types of mental illnesses (including depression) are in the same sort of fog where mindfulness and intelligent thinking gets tossed out the window. It's more of a symptom than a cause, though.

Weren't we betrayed folks in our own fog?

I know I was. I saw the signs. I had many, many telltale moments. But I chose to ignore them. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I believed the best of him. Oh, sure, I can sit on my high horse and say I believed the best in him because I was doing my best, blahblah. But in my case, no. I believed things were FINE because I was so terrified that things were NOT fine and I was so weak that I didn't think I could handle facing the NOT fine. Instead of using my brain, I used my fear to rule my decisions.

In the end, I went through the WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY for so long it nearly killed me. (Literally.) Because, in my case, the WHY always had to come back to ME - because ME is the only thing I could control. If I were smarter, better, thinner, stronger, more beautiful, more kind, less demanding, (and on for infinity) then maybe... maybe...

But NO. That was just control freak me trying to MAKE THIS PAIN NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Hah. Bless my little heart.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that no explanation of WHY would ever, ever, EVER make it OK. Short of some soap opera-ish storyline where he was drugged, kidnapped, believed me dead... mmnyeah. No. NOTHING would ever make the WHY OK. That was a huge revelation for me because I could stop easing off the WHY and focus more on the HOW. Because - again - we had some modicum of control over the circumstances, the HOW, if you will, that allowed for him to have the affair.

So, yeah, Huz doesn't hang out with women alone anymore. He doesn't work alone with other women. No graveyard shifts. No giving his (new!) phone number out to ANYONE without letting me know first and when he does making sure that person knows not to share the #. Complete openness for both of us - which means me saying, "Hey, this makes me uncomfortable," instead of pretending I am OK so as to not rock the boat as well as him saying, "Sure, you can read all my emails."

We also have done a lot of role playing and discussions of "if this happens this is how to handle it" because, believe it or not, my husband genuinely doesn't know how to say NO. Was he raped? Lord no. But was he pressured? Yes. And when he was, he was scared to hurt feelings, cause trouble at work, and rock the boat. Practicing polite (but firm!) responses has helped him have the confidence for "next time" (and he's an attractive dude, I'm sure there will be a next time when a gal comes on to him) he can handle it in a way that leaves no room for miscommunication or mixed messages.

Putting such precautions in place offered a security blanket that helped us to rebuild. Yes... they are security blankets, because frankly, if he wanted to, he could cheat again in a heartbeat. Nothing I say/do can force his hand, no matter how awesome I am (or am not) it's still ultimately his choice. I just feel more confident in his choices now that we have explored some of those little weak points that left room for an affair.

Are we affair proof? No. I wish I could say with 100% assurance that we are. Do I feel confident moving forward in our marriage? Yes. We are a team, we enjoy each other's company, and we have learned SO much - about each other and ourselves.

I recently saw a blip on some TV show about some author who had written a book about affairs. Her stance was that while one person is experiencing the biggest betrayal and deepest pain s/he has ever dealt with, the other is probably experiencing the biggest growth and the most self exploration that s/he has ever experienced. It's so opposite that it's almost funny. This is something to consider in the WHY, too. (Again - this does NOT make it right or excuse it, but it's something to consider.) My husband learned a lot about how unhappy he was (in general, not just with our marriage) and he learned a lot about what he wanted in life during his affair. I wish he had been able to learn in a less destructive way, but - for all that - I am glad he learned because the man he is TODAY is a pretty awesome guy.