For my H it was a "perfect storm of things"(this is what he said) but I think the major thing was low self esteem. My H was in such a dark place emotionally that the prospect that someone else "wanted him" made him feel worthy temporarily boosted his self esteem. At the time we struggled with infertility and he has a problem with alcohol. Was there anything you were struggling through together or that maybe he was struggling through on his own? If so maybe he internalized it and did not voice the struggle so he did not disappoint you by sharing his personal pain. The question of "why" is soooo hard. I just wish my husband would have come to me. He also said that it was an escape from the problems he was having...a place where he did not have to talk about infertility or alcohol. Hope this helps.

I get the need to get answers to a question such as that, but for me, any answer he gave wasn't going to be satisfactory given the deed. Nothing he could say could explain away the fact that he did what he did. And, trust me, I tried to beat that stone dry to find some way to get an answer that would make me still see him as the man I fell in love with vs. the man who shredded any trust we had and did something that I didn't think he was capable of doing with me and in that, he changed "us" forever.

So, instead, maybe you should ask yourself what answer could he give that would satisfy you in your quest for understanding his reasoning?

Is there really an answer to the "why", above what he has already provided, that he could give that would make you feel better or more satisfied or make you stop searching?

People are fallible. They fuck up. Sometimes repeatedly, and they do things that you would never suspect they would do. He's already given you his version of "why", so if you are committed to staying with him and trying to work it out, perhaps you will need to find a place within yourself to just live with his reasoning and understand that for you this might fall into the answerless category b/c you aren't satisfied with what he has said. And "answerless" questions can destroy you, let alone what you two have to work off of right now.

If you cannot find a place where you come to terms in your own way with his answer to why, you just might end up forever searching for an answer that will make you feel somewhat better or will make more sense to you but then all you are really doing is keeping this wound open instead of trying to heal with what you have in front of you right now.

And this is why i am here!
Rollercoaster - yes... We both had some pretty big traumas in our life - financial, serious health issues (me) .. Just to name a few. So I guess many things that created what you coined as the perfect storm.
Like you, i wish he had come to me. It breaks my heart to know that those we love can be in such a dark place that they temporarily forget that their safe haven is right beside them.
Aurorashope-
You are right, i don't know that there would be any answer that would or could explain it away where i would be satisfied. I think i just keep hoping that somehow it will be the one thing that finally fills up this hole. Thank you for giving me another perspective- good straight forward questions to ask myself, pray over and meditate, to stop searching and surrender.
You seem to be at such a place of peace and acceptance...

I had the same struggle and my H also didn't have a way to explain it. I know now though that even if he had some specific explanation, in some ways it would be too painful to hear. As long as your spouses are resourceful, have completely stopped the A, it is helpful to find away to accept that the CS may not understand why they were so willing to risk everything. Sometimes it's little steps they take and when it's too late they finally wake up but they are in to deep and it feels to good to stop.

After I got past letting my CS put the blame on me.... I figured who gives a shit, my CS is just a stinking puke pile of self denial, since she won't be honest with herself about herself, how can I expect an answer.
I think most CS are self denial-ers and as such any answer is just fucking lies or more bullshit

i agree with aurorashope. it might be very difficult to work on staying together if you're caught up in the question of why it happened in the first place.

Answering the question of "why" is a catch 22 for the CS. One, no answer can possibly explain why someone who loves you hurt you that way. Two, if they tell the truth and say, "I was tempted and gave in," it won't be sufficient for the BS. Three, if they give any other explanation, it will sound like they are blaming the BS for the affair.

I don't know if my articles are any of the ones you've read, but here are three from my blog that apply (my wife of over 28 years at the time didn't believe herself capable of cheating on me).

How Could He Have Done This to Me?
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/08/how-could-he-have-done-this-to-me.html

Self-Esteem: Infidelity's Biggest Trigger
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/09/self-esteem-infidelitys-biggest-trigger.html

Most recent post: Fogville
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/05/fogville.html

I highly recommend Cole's 'Fogville' entry - it was helpful to both me and my wife.

The "why", for me at least, is sour spilt milk. I'll content myself with the answers that I did get to my very direct questions. I will not let myself obsess over the past. I won't forget it, obviously - the hurt was pretty bad.

Basically, and very over-simplified, "things is what things is". I could drag "things" out for a very long time and we could both be miserable all the way through it... Or not. I'm choosing not to.

It's all about today and the future at this point. I love her, she loves me - we're working with that.

I am that CS you are describing and I am Cole's CS. I answered the question you just asked one year after Dday, when Pink Pony asked the same question. She just bumped the thread that has a link to that answer that I wrote. It's called Not Why, But How.

Oh yes, the Fog.

That is the perfect "catch all" for any answer given by a CS.

What is the"excuse" equivalent of the Fog in other, non-adultery related situations? Might come in handy some time...

(Hi Gabi)

TTM-

What would you prefer? "I don't know", or "It just happened"? Use those as excuses in those "non-adultery" situations, or whatever you want...

I assume those old enough to enter into a marriage contract are also of the age where they can either take, or leave any "excuse" offered for "whatever".

Or, you can be bitter over the "excuse" offered, still stick around, and stew over it.

We all have choices...

TTMI,

If you'd read the article, you'd know it isn't an excuse. Not as I presented it. But it is a real dynamic in any addictive situation, which many affairs tend to be. But it never negates the CS taking responsibility for what they've done. Same reason being an alcoholic doesn't let one off the hook for a DWI charge.

For the record, to this day, over 3 years since dday, Gabi never made excuses and accepted full responsibility. She never blamed anyone other than herself. But she definitely experienced a foggy state of mind. Talking about the fog doesn't mean a CS is making excuses. Only trying to understand what happened so you'll know what to avoid in the future.

Here is another take on the fog:

"There is a wayward fog and theyre going to come out of it. Just wait.Poor cheaters, they know not what they do. All their self serving bullshit excuses? Thats just fog speak. They dont really mean it. (They do, theyre manipulating you. Its very deliberate.)

Did they quit the affair partner because you huffed and puffed and threatened divorce? Are they sulky? Thats just the fog! Wait, it will pass. It takes awhile for them to grieve their affair partner. Well yes, you dont want to have to hear the details of their sordid fuckfests, but theyre in mourning. Its all fog think.

Essentially, any time a cheater does something stupid and thoughtless, you can attach the word fog to it and excuse it. No remorse? Theyre in the fog. Cant go no contact with their fuckbuddies? Fog again. Said she never wouldve cheated if you made more money? Foggy talk!

Real fog is a temporary weather condition. It clears. Not so with cheaters. Theyre fog machines. The obfuscation and narcissistic whinnying are deliberate. They do what they do because they want what they want. Its that simple."

Courtesy of the mighty chumplady.

Why do they do it? They do what they do, because they want what they want. Not as sexy as the fog but it is one other explanation.

"They do what they do, because they want what they want."

Yes, this is the short answer. Also this one, opportunity + desire + failure to stop or prevent it from happening.

Among the many questions I had to answer was why? Why did I even want what I wanted? It went against everything that is me! It went against everything that I have ever believed and taught my children. It went against everything that really matters to me. Why would I do such a thing? How did I get to that place? It makes no sense even to me, but it was important that I answer those questions and I have spent years doing so. Most particularly the first two years.

That is why I wrote the journal that I linked to in my earlier response. It was in answer to pinkpony back in 2012 of how the CS manages to get to that place. I put a lot into that answer and answering that helped clarify some things to myself as well.
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/602693/journal/3778455

The "fog" is no mystery to me anymore. I call it the "addictive fog" because it matches up to the fog of addiction for many other kinds of addictions as well. I believe the "fog" helps explain some things. It helps in trying to put it all together when trying to figure out all the why's and hows, vulnerabilities and contributing factors and such.

I know the fog is very real as a contributing factor. Given enough time, I probably would have come up with a similar way of describing what I experienced, even if I never heard of the "fog." If you read what I wrote in the previously mentioned link, I believe it describes the process in a more in depth manner.

That being said, to say the "fog" and "excuse" in the same way isn't accurate. Not for me anyway. I allowed that fog. I created it. I used it to blind myself so I could lie and rationalize to myself. So I could see only what I wanted to see and not see what I didn't want to see, like any other person does who is destroying their own life and the lives of others by their addiction of choice and refusing to see the truth of the situation because they don't want to stop and face the hard truths and the hard work of getting their life back on track.

So I'm saying that the fog is a big part of "how" it happened. It's a factor but it is certainly not an excuse since it's not something that just mysteriously overtakes you, it's something you create. so as a CS I am as guilty of creating that fog as I am of all the rest of what happened including letting things get to the point of creating that fog to begin with.

The fog doesn't fit all cs. There are those who completely went outside of who they were to enter into an A. There is a change (slow ands steady) that seems to occur that creates this change of thinking and believing.

If that person truely wants to remain what they've become from their pre A and A time then I wouldn't call it the fog. But those who get shocked back into their reality and want to regain who they were, then I would say yes likely the fog.

My H did not fit the fog profile. He was raised in a family where cheating was all around. Infact his years of not cheating would be considered different than who he was. He never seemed disgusted by the infidelity in his family. He wasn't proud but just matter of fact. He swore he want like them and wouldn't cheat but those were words. Deep down he was prepared to justify because it's what he grew up with.

My Cs changed a little after his A ended bur the major changes occurred years later after dday.

I totally get the fog for some. Just not all. The serial cheater also does not fit the fog IMO