Every human is given free will. Therefore capable of murder, infidelity, and a multitude of other bad or sinful behavior. We are also capable of love, and kind behavior. There are people who are highly unlikely to behave poorly or engage in damaging behavior.

I have never cheated on any bf or my H, i can't imagine that I would but even With that mindset I am still capable simply because I believe in free will. It is my will to remain faithful and I doubt that will ever change.

I never in a million years that that my husband was emotionally capable of cheating, Even when our marriage lacked nurturing on both of our parts, I still never thought that he would do anything like that.. which is why I sat back for a week and read all of the messages back and forth between the two of them.. I had to see it for myself.. I took screen prints, and I still have to look at them for time to time just to remind myself that he really did this. I am not making excuses for him by any means, but in the one IC session that I had my C said that she saw the addictive behavior (he is an alcoholic) manifesting itself through this cheating cycle. He was so caught up in it, and when I confronted him, he was sooo ashamed, he can still hardly speak of it. It was like I pulled him out of the water from drowning. None of this makes it right, but I am someone who needs to seek truth and really understand why and how things happen. I do think that the cycle of addiction as well as the attention played into all of it. That's my two cents.

? if you are of the opinion that everyone is capable of betrayal, murder and ..., are in a reconciliation or marriage termination ?

does being in one kind of color the answer of capability?

if you are in a reconciliation, i hope things work out for the best, i can only imagine the challenges of reconciliation, respect your desire, and i respect the betrayer if they are facing themselves

if you are in a marriage termination, i hope things work for you, i can imagine what is like to be betrayed and then decide to end a marriage, it has to be a tough thing to deal with a remorseful cheater that hopes to reconcile and is not given the chance(for valed reasons of the the betrayed), it has to be a tough thing to deal with when the cheater is full of shit but wants the facade of a marriage


if the cheater terminateed the marriage, well, that is tough, a story i know all too well

Referb,

I don't believe I would ever cheat, or inflict that kind of pain on someone willingly or knowingly. I don't believe I ever will.

Problem is, so did my wife, yet she did. So do a lot of other cheaters.

So just believing you never will appears not to be a guarantee you won't given the right circumstances. But I think the likelihood you will can be reduced or practically eliminated by being aware that it could happen if you are not mindful. As I said, it only takes once to discover you were wrong, but then its too late.

So I try to not assume anything.

To me, "capable" says it is possible, even if that possibility is 0.0001%. If I stay far away from that 0.0001% possibility, then I won't. If I don't think it is possible, I may allow myself to be put in a position where that 0.0001% happens.

That's all I'm saying.

"So just believing you never will appears not to be a guarantee you won't given the right circumstances. But I think the likelihood you will can be reduced or practically eliminated by being aware that it could happen if you are not mindful. As I said, it only takes once to discover you were wrong, but then its too late. "

Well said, Cole, that is exactly Dr. Harley's point in the video I referred to in an earlier post. Awareness can be a great deterrent.

As a CS, I agree that everyone is capable of cheating. There is not one who goes through years of marriage without being tempted. The difference is willpower.

I disagree, some people are capable of choosing to not think about the consequences of an act, some are capable of thinking out the consequences and are willing to chance it,
Some, Not all

You can't paint everyone with the same brush; we are all very different. Some of us think everything through, to the smallest of detail, before we take a leap. And some of us, perhaps those who are emotionally restless, bully our thoughts aside and go for the thrill of the ride.

So no, I don't believe everyone is capable of cheating or murder, for that matter, in the course of a normal daily life.

In the course of a normal day, that is where the misunderstanding is. I don't say "capable of cheating or murder" as in the course of a normal day. People csn have mental and emotional breakdowns . Terrible losses can skew ones reasoning, hormonal changes, or just a series of circumstances that can slowly lead to something that a person could never have imagined themselves.

Again capable doesn't mean "will" or "likely to" it just means as humans we are made to choose every day "right from wrong".

I find Those who cheated that thought they could never do such a thing are just as disgusted at themselves as their bs.

drop the bullshit

absolutely everyone is capable of cheating just as absolutely everyone is capable of holding their breath until they turn blue,

then some people mature and see that the world is not about themselves

I'm not, I actually felt physically ill when I thought about a revenge A. I'm sure it would have only made me feel worse.

I am not capable of cheating. I would never betray my spouse. I've witnessed the pain it causes everyone. I would never want to be seen as the 'adulterer' in my childrens eyes. I had my yearly physical yesterday and my doctor (who knows I am going through a divorce) asked if I had any other partners since being separated. I said Absolutely Not! I am STILL married and until it is final, I am not about to do something stupid. By the way - she mentioned that she sees many people in their 40's and 50's coming in now with VD's because we are 'new' to the dating scene again. OMG! However - my stbx accused me of an affair 15 years ago and to this day brings it up. I never cheated and frankly I'm sick of hearing about it. But I can't prove my innocence (even though the guy I 'cheated' with has also to this day denies the accusations. Oh - and the guy I 'cheated' with has herpies. I don't. Huh...)

I like myself and I want to continue to feel good about who I am. Stealing someone else's man is a pretty crappy thing to do, as is cheating on and lying to the man I already have. I could never do that . The "opportunity" has actually presented itself a time or two. I have distanced myself from such situations involving potential infidelity. I have been as honest as I know how to be in marriage, and I expected the same in return. Had I been a bit more devious myself I might not have been so taken unaware.

"You can't stop a crane from flying over your head, but you can keep it from making a nest in your hair"

You speak way too much sense Arabella.

This is just like the "Mistake versus Choice" argument.

Saying that everyone is capable of cheating makes it an easier sin to swallow. Yes, everyone is capable of cheating I suppose. We are all humans with free will but some of us will not cheat because we don't have the same shitty character as cheaters.

To admit that, means admitting that the cheater has shitty character. It's a tough pill to swallow if you're trying to reconcile. I get it.

Fortunately I can see the forest through the trees now. So can you obviously.

IMHO, the only way to rebuild with a CS is for them to make a decision to change their character. No amount of learning to meet needs, building boundaries, putting up walls and looking out windows will fix the basic character traits that led a CS to cheat.

It is a hard pill for the CS to swallow to look square in their own face in the mirror and admit they are seriously flawed in their relationship thinking and their basic character and then want to change that to be someone else.

It is hard for a BS to step away and not try to manipulate the rebuilding by making therapy appointments, going to MC, buying books for the CS to read and a multitude of other "fixes" they hope will make the CS see the light and "get it". For me, when I was doing all that I was sad, depressed and seeing no end in sight. I saw myself checking the cell bill until I was dead. It was not a good outlook.

It was hard and risky, but I stepped out of the process. I worked on me, and me alone. I stopped MC because why rebuild a relationship with someone who does not choose to be a person of character who would never consider the option of starting a new relationship without ending the existing one.

The MC called, all worried that I was planning my exit, etc. I was actually planning my good emotional health. Did it affect their income, sure, did I care, no.

Lo and behold, my CS decided, on his own, to do IC. A few weeks after he started he said to me "I was an asshole long before the A, and I want you to know I don't want to be an asshole anymore". I was dancing inside but took a wait and see attitude. It has now been a couple of months on this new path, and I see real progress. Real progress in all areas of his life even those that have nothing to do with me.

It is a waiting game, but I am all in and hoping that 10 years from now I can come here and tell you how much better life can be when you leave a CS to fend for their own rebuilding of their character.