Well the first point toy bring up is "capability". Everybody is capable and from posts I've read on the CA board it seems many never thought they could or would ever be a cheater. Some people are more likely based on many factors but everybody is capable.

Often times the less likely fall slowly into the A. A deterioration of the marriage combined with opportunity and maybe a friendship that finds its way into something more.

Some feel entitled and seek out A's over and over and many others in between.

Your second point was keeping intouch with ex lovers. I don't know if keeping intouch with an ex is , in and of itself betrayal if there was a platonic friendship that had been established. Keeping intouch with all if them seems odd. You mentioned "even the ones she had BEFORE we met" how many lovers did she have after you met? Were you friends before you dated? Because there should only be lovers from before unless the were breakups or cheating.

Its rare in my opinion to be able to develop friendships with exes . I have 1 life long friendship with an ex but we were friends before and only dated for a month and rekindled our friendship a year later. My H is friends with him through me ans he's a good family friend. I tried to be friends with a long term ex but that never worked andit really bothered my H so I didn't persue it.

Point 3 is her lax attitude towards cheating and making excuses like priming you to feel guilty when you catch her.

Last point "warning signs" if your gut tells your something be prepared for it to be correct.

Final statement
YOU CANNOT BE BLAMED FOR ANOTHER PERSON'S ACTIONS INCLUDING THEM CHEATING. Even if you CHOSE to treat her poorly, she chose to cheat.

My ex used to say (not the CS now, the ex before him),there is no such thing as a platonic relationship between and man and woman, they all are just one slip away. I am beginning to see where that makes sense.

The only contact I have with my ex is when something comes up about our son, which is not often now that he is an adult. We have a cordial relationship, but certainly far from in constant contact.

I don't know that everyone is capable of cheating. I have never and don't think I ever could. I have always ended a relationship then started another. And no I never ended one to start another one.

Yes we split for awhile before we married and she was upset when she lost contact with him and finally tracked him down. And yes contact with her APs (unknown how many) she never came clean and admitted to only one because I knew the facts.

And we know about gut feelings...our heart overrides them.

But I do stand by my previous statement: epiphanies suck!

Pink,
Gotta take exception to the everyone is capable of cheating
That is BS , once a person is an adult they understand the misery that cheAting inflicts upon the cheated upon
Only some people are capable of choosing to disregard that

Problem is, I know people who were cheated on, fully knew the consequences and hurt it created, and still cheated. Like my wife's OM.

And I know people who have never cheated in their entire life, didn't ever think they would, had high morals, but after years of faithful marriage, cheat. Like my wife cheating on me after 28.5 years of marriage.

A high number of those who cheat never thought they would. Never imagined they could ever do such a hurtful thing. Yet they did. Why?

Because affairs aren't a rational decision, they are an emotional decision. Because thinking, "It can never happen to me," is a recipe for over confidence, allowing one to cross boundaries where they shouldn't, because, "I would never cheat." Then when opportunity meets desire, that all goes out the window.

So it would seem that just believing you won't do it doesn't mean you won't. I think there is a difference between "likely" and "capable." I'm capable of being addicted to cocaine. Consequently, I've stayed away from it. If I believed I could handle one shot just to experience it, I'd likely find out otherwise. But at nearly 55 years of age, I don't expect I'll ever take cocaine.

If one understands if they are not diligent in keeping appropriate boundaries, that they could find themselves drawn into an affair, they are not likely to cheat. But that is because they are aware if they aren't careful, it could happen. So I would agree we are all capable. Doesn't mean all will or are likely to cheat. My wife went over 28 years of marriage not cheating. What got her was thinking she wasn't capable of cheating, so she allowed herself to cross boundaries she shouldn't, thinking it was "harmless fun."

She was well aware that it was evil, that it would hurt me, that she was doing something hurtful. That's why she hid it. That didn't stop her.

That doesn't mean, as daddy points out, that there are signs that someone is likely to cheat on us. That they are justifying crossing boundaries or have fallen into a frame of mind that allows them to. I should have seen several warning signs, but like many BSs, I ignored them because I didn't think she was capable of cheating on me. I was wrong. That realization made me aware of boundaries I'd crossed. Of an innocent nature, not thinking it would ever be a situation I'd be tempted to cheat. But it did open me up to the possibility of it happening. I realized thinking I was immune to temptation was a dangerous place to be. It only takes once to discover you were more susceptible than you thought. Of course, by then it is too late. I don't want to find out after the fact that I was wrong about me. If I keep appropriate boundaries, I should never find out whether I can or not. That should be the goal.

capble, Cole are you saying that you, yourself are capable of choosing to be a misery inflicter?

if so, please don't include everyone in that boat

i don't believe that all people are capable of denying the consequences / reality of choices while we are making them, and if so only some of "us" are capable of making the misery inflicting consequence choice and that some of us would vomit in our mouths at the image of choosing to be a misery inflicter

... and therefore are not capable

Well spoken Cole. Thank you for your input.

I am sure some CS have been drawn in by simple flattery from some one else and a time they felt weak. Unfortunately that was not my case.

@daddy I could see that. I am pretty much at the low point in my self esteem right now. The other night at work a guy that is there from time to time sat sext to me and started a conversation. This is how it went.

Guy: hey nice hair.
Me: thanks
Guy: earlier I saw you walking down the hall and thought your were some new hot hick that got hired.
Me: huh, curling my hair made that big of a difference.
Guy: U just have to say, I have never noticed before what a great ass you have.
Me: thanks, it's always been there (laughing while walking away)

Understanding that he knew 3 months ago I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. He doesn't know why, he just knew I got upset when he inquired.
I guess that was all he needed to see if I would be inclined to stay and flirt more. It could have ended bad... But I am hyper sensitive right now.

Entitlement and narcissism are two big indicators that your partner will cheat with the right opportunity. Unfortunately my mom recognized the ex's propensity towards entitlement the first day she met him. She didn't like that about him or the rest of his family. Kinda wish I listened to her.

Anyway, though we all have the freedom to cheat I do believe it is those folks with character deficiencies that wind up actually doing it. I had plenty of opportunities to be unfaithful during the course of our relationship but I would remove myself from situations that might lead to infidelity.

I stayed with the ex after he cheated (for three years actually) and towards the end when I was close to deciding that I should divorce him, I found myself flirting more and more. That's when I knew for a fact that we were completely done. I asked him for a divorce not that long afterwards and remained faithful until the divorce was final, which thankfully wasn't that long due to mediation.

Anyway point is, that I still didn't cheat when I had opportunity and when I knew I was getting a divorce. I don't buy into the idea that we're all capable of it. I made the right choices, the ex didn't and that was a matter of his character.

When flirting became Okay for me, I had an open and honest conversation with him. I didn't want to 'work on the marriage' any further or give him any more chances because I already did that for three years but that should have been the conversation he had with me. Instead he had an affair so now he has a divorce!

As far as being capable of cheating, I subscribe to the "never say never" philosophy. I do not think I would ever cheat, having known firsthand how hurtful it is to the betrayed one, BUT I also realize that nobody is completely immune given the right frame of mine and circumstances. I have seen it too many times with those that I thought would never ever ever go down that road, including a family member who was a staunch Baptist, who had founded a church and raised her children VERY strictly who very surprisingly took on the role of OW to a married man. It was quite unbelievable, given who she was and the situation, but sadly true that she did go down this road. The eventual separation from her AP nearly killed her, as she stopped eating due to heartbreak and developed some serious health issues, but thankfully she survived and has not gone down that road again.

Dr. Harley, who is an author and who also has videos on YouTube about relationships, said in one of his videos that if you think you are someone who will never cheat, it is more likely that you will than someone who believes he/she is susceptible to cheating. What he means is that to avoid cheating, you must live your life knowing that temptation will come to you unless you make a conscious effort to avoid people and situations that could act as a catalyst for that type of temptation. People who think they could never cheat often do not think they are susceptible so they do not take these precautions, and that is exactly how people who would never cheat end up cheating.

I wholeheartedly agree with #10 response from Never.

Your character allows you to cross the line, not opportunity. Your character puts up boundaries or allows them to weaken and fall. I am sure there were things in every preDDay marriage for both the BS and the CS that were troublesome....it's called adult relationships. But only one of them had the lack of character to cross over the line.

I recently read an excerpt from a book that actually encouraged men to not look at a woman's breasts....really???...in order to keep a boundary. That assumes all men are animals who would grab a woman who appeals to them and drag her off to his cave because he's a guy and needs to have boundaries spelled out or lust takes over. He needs to have a character. He needs to act ethically and unselfishly. If he does that, a woman can run up to him naked and jump on him with no affect of engaging in a sexual relationship. Fix the character, fix the behavior.

I completely agree with the fix the character fix the behavior, and also that having appropriate boundaries goes a long way in keeping one from straying, but my life experience does tell me that extenuating circumstances can cause even one with good character to cheat. In the case of the family member I mentioned in my previous post, she, at a very weak point in her life, having lost her husband of nearly 40 years to death and in an extreme state of grief, was "comforted" by a family "friend", a married man approx. 25 years younger than she, who took advantage of her weak state and eventually got her into the bedroom with him. Their affair lasted several months until discovered by other family members, at which point the family members put pressure on him to either completely stop contact with this woman and the whole family (he was a longtime family friend--he and his family even sat with that family at the woman's husband's funeral) or his wife would be informed of the whole thing. The woman (family member) was so angry at her family members for taking such a stance that she threatened to run away and at one time told the family members that they had taken away her "life". Her health declined dramatically after the incident. This was not as much of a case of the woman having bad character as it was a case of being taken advantage of when in a vulnerable state, but cheating is still cheating. Adultery is adultery.

I'm not sure if I followed your story 100% so here is my take:

No offense to your friend sarah2220 but you said "she The woman (family member) was so angry at her family members for taking such a stance that she threatened to run away and at one time told the family members that they had taken away her "life".

Essentially what that says there is that a GROWN woman (and not a particularly young one if she was married for 40 years before her husband died) was so mad at her family member's reaction to her having sex with a married man that she threatened to run away?

That's pretty typical cheater stuff when they get all righteously indignant by people reacting negatively to their selfishness. When you put her sentence through the "cheater to English dictionary" it basically comes out as: "What I did wasn't so bad but your reaction to it? That is where the REAL problem lies!"

Just reeks of entitlement. One of the main character traits of a cheater and not a very pleasant one at that.

Just sayin.

Neverceases, thanks for your comment. The point I was originally trying to make that this woman was not her normal self at the time of the cheating (not even close), and that this was an example of how extenuating circumstances could very well lead anyone to cheat, so never saying never is probably not a good idea for anybody. This woman knew cheating was wrong--very wrong. But her mental state was far from normal for her at the time of the cheating--she was in an extreme state of grief and the huge void she had in her life made her susceptible to something she normally would not ever consider doing. The opportunist (a close family friend, a pillar of the community, a deacon in his church, a professor at a religious university, who the whole family had trusted) simply came along and pushed all the right buttons, getting her to do something that was WAY out of her belief system. I believe that the feelings that she developed through having sex (you know, women can be like that) and having him to fill the void of her great loss, caused her to believe that they were in love and distorted what was really going on, hence, the feeling that the family members had taken away her "life". She was not thinking clearly at all. IMHO, that is very different from having a belief system that says that cheating is OK. This was not about being indignant that the family members reacted to her selfishness, as much as feeling that they had taken away what she perceived as her lifeline. Her subsequent health problems and extreme depression seemed to confirm this. Her health got so bad and her weight so low that at one point the family members thought that they were going to lose her. Like I said, this was an extreme situation, but the point was that someone who probably would have never believed that she would cheat, did.