Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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astoryaboutme 01/25/2013

For those of you who haven't followed my story, I just left my husband last weekend because I found explicit text messages to a girl he met in college saying how he wishes I would "just sign divorce papers and let him go". We've been married 6 years, together 8, and it's been blissful up until this point. My H went back to school this year and got a new job working in a nightclub. We are both 25 years old, and many of his new friends are much younger and enjoy partying and drinking all the time, and it's really changed who he is in the past couple months.

Splitting up is not something I wanted to do, but I had to do it. I was so hurt and betrayed, and he had been emotionally cheating on me for a couple months. He even kissed another girl at a party, and he tried to tell me that she came on to him, but when I didn't believe it, he confessed that he kissed her twice and that he regretted it. Now this. I thought things had been so good between us lately. Just the day before I found the text messages, he said he wanted an honest relationship with me, and that he couldn't see his life without me.

I moved down the street to my neighbour's house temporarily because my new place won't be ready until the end of the month. Last night, a car was parked in front of my house for the whole night, and I'm sure he probably spent the night with someone. It's extra hard because I'm just a few houses away. Did he do this for attention? He knows I still love him and that I wish we could work on things, but when I found the text and confronted him, he shut down and got very angry and defensive, so I think he'd do almost anything right now to get back at me. I want to remain calm. I do not want to text or call him to complain. I do not want to break down anymore crying, or feel sorry for myself. I'm giving him space to see if he's the man I think he is, the same guy that chased me for so many years and loved me more than anything.

How can someone change so fundamentally in a matter of months? I want to push the thought of him spending the night with another girl in our bed out of my head, but it's really distressing. I know that car may have been a guy friend of his, and maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but he's been acting so different that it really wouldn't surprise me. I know he's been fantasizing about the single life for a while. I need some advice. I'm trying to block it out, to focus on my own life, and not to think about what he may be doing. I know I will drive myself crazy thinking about that. If he is sleeping with other girls, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive him.

C

deleted_user 01/25/2013

You are in a tough situation, especially with the proximity. Did he actually physically cheat on you? I am 5 months past Dday, still with my wife and things are pretty good. I'm a bit older than you and think I can offer some good advice. You are going through the same stuff the rest of us are, but being right down the street is tough. Do you have any kids together?

deleted_user 01/25/2013

"""he wishes I would "just sign divorce papers and let him go". My question is had you and him even talked about getting a divorce? My CS had told his OW that he was getting a divorce, and that was news to me..
But I am so much older then you, I stay because I love him, my home too. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I would say just work on you! forget him, and move on, find someone that you can trust and will be true to you... Way to young to put up with crap... I am sorry this is just my 2 cents...

astoryaboutme 01/25/2013

Thanks your all of your advice. I am in a bit of a difficult situation at the moment because of the proximity...fortunately it is only until the end of the month. As far as I know, my H did not physically cheat on me when I was living with him. He admitted (finally) to kissing another girl twice, and he brought condoms to work once but he did not use any of them. He told me he deeply regretted thinking about cheating on me. Then I found those texts. We had never talked about getting a divorce. We had a 2 week period where he slept on the couch and we didn't talk much, but we got back together and things were going really well...or so I thought.

I was very surprised to read that he wished I would just sign divorce papers. The day before I found that text, he told me that he loved me, wanted an honest relationship with me, and that he could not see his life without me in it. I appreciate the advice, especially coming from anyone older because I'm 25, and I know I don't know everything, but I've been in a committed relationship for 8 years (married 6), and up until now, things were so great. He was going to finish school next year, and we had so many plans. How could he live such a double life? I think he may have just said the divorce thing to get attention from the other woman. He also told her that our relationship was over, and then he texted one of his friends that he wishes he could "take a girl and go somewhere".

We have no children, thankfully in my case. That would have made this way more difficult.

I feel like he lied to me, but he also lied to his friends and the other woman. He hasn't told the truth about anything, because I think he's confused. He didn't want to leave me, especially since I paid for most things, and he loves me (he claims), but clearly he is fantasizing about a single life.

C

deleted_user 01/25/2013

Do I have stories about living a double life...YIKES! Seriously you wonder how someone you love and chrish and trust so much can being doing all this $hit behind your back. It boggles the mind. How about while I'm traveling on business and the kids were in school (friggin preschool)! And 2 years worth of sneaking around. And my CS was a woman I married partly because I though she was so sweet and caring and nurturing. Sounds like your H didn't do anything all that bad, but certainly had intentions and yes, you are young, no kids, you need to find a nicer guys sounds like to me!

astoryaboutme 01/25/2013

Deep down, I really believe my H is a good person. In the past few months, he's started college and met new people, younger people, who wanted to party and he got caught up in that. Working as a bouncer doesn't help, plus he has a lot of new friends that don't have any idea who I am. He stopped incorporating me into his life. He stopped trying. But the person I loved for 8 years wouldn't have done that. He defended me, he loved me, more than anything.

I would like to work on our marriage. I gave him a note before I left that said I still love him, I missed him, and I'm hurt, and that if he feels the same way I do, we should talk. But if he repays me by sleeping with someone the next day...I don't know if I can forgive that. I can't prove it was another woman. I'm just bracing myself for the worst, because I don't want to be horribly surprised anymore to find out the things he's doing. It will be easier when I don't live so close. He's my best friend, but suddenly he's treating me like his worst enemy. I think he's still shocked I found those texts. His phone was password protected, and I just happened to guess the password. You can imagine the look on his face.

I'd like to work through the emotional cheating, because there is a root cause that runs deeper. He's told me he isn't happy with himself. He's going through a lot of changes. I don't know if he meant to lose me. But he was craving excitement, and he did something terrible. I couldn't stay and pretend I was okay with that. But if he is now sleeping with someone...I don't know how to forgive that.

C

deleted_user 01/25/2013

Can I ask why you looked in his phone? Why you guessed the passcode? If your gut was telling you then listen to it.. Sounds like he is wanting a single life, he is jealous of the life of his younger friends. when he wakes up from the fog, he'll realize what he did.. But you are so young, and let me tell you, you will have problems not trusting him for a long time. Do you want to do that? be with someone you cann't trust?

astoryaboutme 01/25/2013

I'm so confused about so many things. We're young, but we were ridiculously in love for a very long time. I'm still in love with him, I never stopped, and that's what breaks my heart. But to be honest with you, I looked at his phone because I did not trust that I was getting the truth out of him for the past few months. I can see a drastic change in his personality, and he stopped doing the little things he used to do to show me that he cared like texting me, making dinner, and even wanting to spend time together. I knew something was wrong, so one night I lucked out, guessed his password, and moved out the next weekend because of what he did.

I am still in shock he could live such a lie. How could he lie to me like that. I could never live with myself for hurting him this way. He was never honest with me, or upfront about anything. I had to dig for the truth, and that says a lot. I realize it might be over forever between us. It's so early to tell.

I wish I knew for sure whether he would someday realize the mistake he made.

C

Wonderous 01/26/2013

My husband did the turn around right before he cheated/we momentarily split. He dyed his hair awful colors and just went all stupid about his lifestyle. We got back together, things got better, maybe he's just going through a phase. Don't stop your plans though. I dragged him to annulment proceedings and everything, he dragged his feet the entire time. I stuck hard to my guns I wanted a divorce until 1 day he came around. Also helped I made him aware of how dumb he looked by telling him his hair looked like trash and at least someone had the nerve to tell him. (Very self conscious and narcissistic) good luck.

deleted_user 01/26/2013

"How can someone change so fundamentally in a matter of months?" I don't know how it happens, but believe me, it does happen! And it's creepy!

Sorry you're going through this :(

astoryaboutme 01/26/2013

I just hope that one day, when he's seen what being self-destructive has done to his life, that he realizes he has thrown away the best part of his life. We had a wonderful marriage. We were both ridiculously happy.

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