Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi. This is my first time reaching out like this in any capacity, but I am so lost and overwhelmed, I just didn't know what to do anymore.
February of this year, I learned my fiance was cheating on me via texting another girl. We have been together for 3 years at that point. We were long distance for about half of that time and I relocated from a different state to be with him. The move was much tougher for me than I had anticipated, but I was happy because I was with him. We had such a strong relationship, even with the distance, I never questioned anything. He was so good to me. He was the first relationship I had that made me feel like all my previous struggles were worth it. We weren't perfect, but I didn't think anything could break us.
Up until that point, I had never been curious or even tried to go through his phone. I know that sounds crazy, but I never felt like I was ever threatend or insecure in any amount. He made me feel confident in us. One day, I was given the opportunity to look through his phone, and I took it (just a tidbit, I have had plenty of chances to look through his phone already but truly never had). So I do not know what came over me, but I just looked...and I guess I found the worst thing I could find. I found message between him and another girl, saying she misses him and can't wait to see him. He travels for work and he was sharing his schedule with her for when he would be back in town. I felt so sick. I remember going numb and just feeling like I had lost my entire life.
We were going through finanical issues, I was working a job that he didn't really like and I wasn't being paid the best. I had felt him growing distant, but I just figured it was stress. I guess it's cliche, but he never seemed like someone that could hurt me like this.
We talked through it and I agreed to give him another chance. It has been hell. I hate that I doubt him and that I can't look at us the same way. During the following month he told me he did not want to be engaged anymore and said that it was the stress of it. I told him I understand and would never want to force marriage or make that an utlimatum. But it hurts. It hurts because I just have to take his word and not spiral with fake scenarios and overthinking. I did my best.
By this time, it's June. And honestly, we were doing a lot better. I got a remote job and it pays so much better. We were spending more time talking again and things just started to feel right again to me. And then I looked through his phone again. He never stopped texting her. And this time, they were sexting. What's worse is he told her he was in relationship. And they continued talking to each other. I saw the pictures he sent, I saw that he shared pictures from trips he and I went on. And you know what? I still stayed with him. It's crazy, I know. I love him, and it is a lot harder deciding how to handle this than I thought. I cry a lot still. I hate that I have to make the choice of to stay with him or not, cause either way, I feel like I'm losing. Me leaving him means I am losing the person I was ready to be with for life, the person that I felt was truly made for me, the person that was my constant. On the other hand, me staying means I stay with someone who hurt me, who I am going to question, who is a different person. I'm hurt either way and I don't know what to do. I hate that for some reason this isn't black and white to me. He hurt me, so shouldn't it be easy to leave?
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
I have found that long distance relationships are extremely difficult to keep together.
I read your whole post and I thought your post would end with you breaking up with him and asking us how to get over the break up. I am not even sure what you are asking us, because unfortunately, he has clearly moved on to another woman (or more).
You say he is the person you want to be with for life, and your constant..... but, he is sleeping with another woman..... so, he unfortunately and sadly is not ready to settle down with just one woman. He may never be ready. He is in his early 20's, right? Best to let him go. He needs to grow up. You want a man, not an immature boy.
You're right, you can't trust him again. He never stopped seeing her, after you two talked it out and decided to try again. What kind of BS is that?? And you know what, it's not even about this other girl at work.... cheaters lie.... and so he's probably been a cheater-type long before you met him.
I sense some co-dependency on your end..... were your other relationships before him, bad ones?
Getting into therapy would really help you to gain some clarity and to identify what you really want in life. No other one person can make us happy. We first have to be happy with ourselves. Before we can be in a relationship with someone else.
Look into starting therapy. Look for books on breakups, co-dependency, healthy relationships, etc. There are free YouTube videos that talk about what to look for in a healthy relationship. Talk to your friends, spend time with them. See your family. Have plenty to do outside of thinking about this one guy.
Since he called off the engagement anyway, you are free to go do what you want to do. The relationship is over, in his eyes. I know it hurts so much, but you have to accept that he is gone. We can't make someone stop cheating. We can't make someone love us. This guy wants to see other women, and there isn't anything you can do about that. Let him go. You are going to be just fine. You will feel better, actually.
And thank goodness you found out before you two got married or before you had any kids. You can get out before things only get more complicated. You are young... don't waste your life on this cheating liar guy! You're worth so much more than this! You're going to be okay!
You are correct by sensing that I have come from bad relationships. And I know I'm holding onto this one because the good times were so good. He was the first guy that was so good to me. I know it's gone now and completely not the same, but it's hard. I do know that if I stay longer, it's just going to be me chasing what was once there and prolonging my disappointment.
I always imagined that if something like this would happen to me, it would be an easy answer and I would know that I needed to leave. It's a shock to me honestly that I am not just able to say "bye" even in this situation. Everything has just caught me so off guard. It's been overwhelming to process and it's made me stuck.
He is a serial cheater. You were once one of his "away" hook-ups.
He is telling you the truth that he has no intention of marrying you now. He probably never had any intention of marrying you.
His character is poor. If you don't know what character is, google that word. A man of poor character can't be fixed or changed by you. He has to change himself and he isn't going to because he doesn't want to.
So now, move out. Create your own good life. You matter. Only you can save yourself from a lifetime of sorrow with this user guy. Look up on YouTube videos about narcissists and see if you think he is one. These people do the love bombing and sometimes great times only to ignore us on other times. This is called intermittent reinforcement and is a type of emotional abuse. Google intermittent reinforcement so you understand the patterns.
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I never saw this in my future. It wasn't supposed to be like this.