I'm so sorry to hear what's going on with you. I never thought about cheating on my spouse so I cannot speak from my own experience, but I can tell you what I did learn from my spouse who cheated.

It has been over a year since I found out about his affair, and we are in the process of getting a divorce. I probably could not have responded to this post in a non-angry way 9 months ago, but I do sense that you are hurting. A couple of things come to mind when thinking about your post.

First, I can tell you that the affair nearly destroyed by soon to be ex-husband. He was a complete mess from what I was able to see and hear from him. I believe he was a danger to himself at some point. It is still something he is VERY ashamed of. We are now able to talk about it without all of the emotions and blame (for the most part). I asked him if he would ever do it again, and he told me "Absolutely not. It's just not worth it. I'd just get a divorce."

Second, his affair was the most horrible and traumatic event in my life. I have not had a perfect life, but it forever changed me. I can distance myself from what happened now, and I can try to learn from it. But, I can tell there are long-term psychological effects I will have to manage for the rest of my life. Think about that... for the rest of my life I will never be the same because of what someone else did. More importantly for you, I don't think my husband will be the same either.

I don't judge you. I can tell you are really hurting, but since you seem to be asking for advice and support I can give you mine.

I know you've done therapy and tried everything, but I think you should be totally upfront and tell your spouse that you are so unhappy in your marriage that you have thoughts about being with someone else before it's too late. My husband and I had problems. I did ignore them to some extent, but if he had come to me and told me I would have paid attention. Telling him you are unhappy is one thing. Telling him you have thoughts about or want to be with another man should be a wake-up call for him if he cares about you at all. I would sit him down and tell him. By yourself or with a therapist if you feel that would be better.

If your husband doesn't care or fails to respond, then I would maybe think about setting things up so you two could separate or divorce. As these blogs show, affairs are so painful. I fear you will only hurt your spouse, make yourself feel worse and do something you will regret for the rest of your life.

If this other person cares about you and you have made up your mind, then they should still care about you after a divorce and should not want you to do anything (i.e. an affair) that would hurt you.

Make a clean split with your husband before pursuing someone else. It's the fair thing to do.

@Reid...I wish you would not use the word D so automaticaly. How can you justify reading 1 or 2 paragraphs and deciding D is the best option for someone you don't know.

I am not going to judge you. I can't give you advice w/out a little more 411.

How long has this been going on? Have you ever had a healthy intimate sex life?

Is this other guy making sexual advances toward you?

This is what, I know. Men will say anything to a woman to get sex. He might be preying on your weaknesses... watch for that.

I had a good friend that had her H admit to her that He had feelings for another woman and was afraid that he would have an affair. Same,issue... his needs were not being met at home. She was a mess at 1st,but they worked it out through MC and they stayed together and are happier for it. It can work.. but you have to work at it.

I can tell you more if I have more 411... message me if you need to. I wish you the best

Ouch, this is one awful situation. So sorry for this, Fab.

My best advice is this - for your marriage - take a good, long, honest look at where you are, what you need in life, and where your marriage is at. If you can continue with it, stay in your marriage. If you can't, feel free to make those hard choices...

As a woman, I would have a hard time giving up my sensuality for the rest of my life. That is as direct as I can be.

IF your man is approachable to keep trying new things, new treatments, actually WORKING on your marriage, you may want to stick with it - but if he's not even approachable, there again, you may have to make some tough choices.

Your Other Guy - granted, I can't tell you that it's the right move on your part. I think you know that. But, I can sure understand how it can happen in this situation. Still, I don't condone it, but I do understand it...

Good luck, Fab.

(As a woman, I find the best route to take is to work, solely, on myself, with no other 'influences' and THEN, when it's all settled, what I have to do for me, bringing in those other 'influences' (men) comes in - but not until I feel that I am in a good place.)

Sending you support, L~

fabyperry - Based on the little you wrote here, I don't see much hope.

Cheating is not the answer. You tried it, and now your Emotional Affair partner is rejecting you.

You say you have tried everything with your husband, and he will not do anything about the situation.

Here is what I would say. Honesty, delivered with love, it the only option left.

"Husband, I am unhappy in our marriage. I am unfulfilled. I cannot go on with the way things are. I would like your permission to start seeing other people romantically outside of our marriage. If you don't want that, then I need you to make changes so WE BOTH can be happy. If not that, then please understand that divorce is the only answer."

Give him a time frame, and follow through.

Sometimes relationships die. They die because they are not fed. but they die, and you move on.

But cheating is not the answer, because in the end you still have that relationship, you have just made the death of it that much more complicated.

@ reid- If you look at what I actually write I do not consistently advise R or D to anyone. I am just not qualified to recommend either way.
I will only tell ppl I think they should get out if there is a danger situation.

Also, if they are not married or do have kids, I might advise them to move on... and learn from their expirence

Do you really feel like their is no other option for a BS than to D? Or , in this case someone who is considering cheating to D?

I completely agree witm Imdealing. You owe it to your H to tell him the truth BEFORE you choose to cheat. Maybe a slap in the face (not literally) will wake him up and he will be willing to work on the marriage. If he is not interested in working on the M then this will bring it to light.

One other thing to consider, is it possible he is having an affair? Have you checked into that at all? Depression, lack of intamacy and distance are signs of cheating. Do your homework and make sure that his behavior is not a result of his own cheating.

Good luck to you

Nah Reid, you really don't. You heavily advocate divorce and moving on. When the subject of reconciliation is up for discussion, you bring up how you left and it was the best thing around, and say things like 'living in limbo' and 'not seeing the light.'

Whatever...I dont think I am the only one to see this.

Geez...L~

I am still new here and can weed through real advice and the stuff that is not meant to be helpful..... All good!

'And I you just posted living in empty well girl you just keep on living like that if it pleases you.'

I have no idea what this means, Reid.

L~

I've never heard of full frontal advice. YOu make up your own terms here.

Reid.. Just because I post something asking for advice doesn't mean I can't offer advice. You really love to engage don't ya?

I am not really trying to criticize you. I just want to know if you have anything to say besides "toss out the garbage"

Depression and medications make some people lose their desire for sex and can also make people impotent.

fab - I will give you just a little more.

I was the depressed husband. I did pay attention to my (now ex) wife, but not at the level she wanted. We did have sex, but not at the level she wanted.

Finally she had an affair, which I now see was basically an exit affair.

Her affair hurt me more than I can convey. It took me a long time to get over the pain but I am still not over the self-confidence and self-esteem issues it brought down upon me.

Her life post-affair, post-divorce, has been very hard. She ran wild after she left and ultimately found that the grass is not always greener. Maybe for that reason she now has deep regrets, shame, and remorse over her actions.

(Me ... for a long while all my depression went away. Now it is back, but no where near the level it was. Getting divorced was the best thing she could have done for me in the long run. But that is just me.)

What I would say to you is deal with your marriage the best you can and get both you and your husband help. If you cannot do that, get out of it cleanly.

I bet you worry about his depression and what he might do. If you do, then seek the help of a professional where you can explain the reasons for the divorce and then the professional can take over to help him get through any crises.

I have one more important point about the timing of my story because it matters. My wife told me she wanted a divorce. It hurt, but I was dealing with it and was actually ok. I later found out about the affair she had been having in those months before "I want a divorce" came up. This came up while she was trying to reconcile, and it destroyed me.

Divorce may be much better for your husband than for you to stay in the marriage and cheat.

Just think about it. Ultimately only you are living your life and know all the facts.