Can I ask a clarification question? Is this the affair partner of your spouse or partner that shares your name?

I wasn't sure who is having the affair, so forgive me.

I had an uncle who used to "date" women with the same name as his various wives.

I don't know if you can separate yourself from that name. Are you projecting your anger at your partner who cheated with your name, her name? The anger really has to land on the partner who cheated and not on her so much. Focus your feelings about what he did, not on the fact of her or her name. It is easier to be angry at the affair partner than on our spouse or partner, boyfriend or girlfriend. But this doesn't help us heal and move forward in life. We have to keep the blame smack dab on the guy or gal we love.

hasty I agree in part with what you've said but we're talking blame vs. trigger.
A lot of research is showing that having a partner or spouse betray you can cause a form of PTSD (?Post-traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder).
I have experienced betrayal and am shocked at some of my thoughts and feelings. In my case I feel that they are both to blame and I am triggered by all sorts of weird things. I would be thinking trauma symptoms....

When I was a teenager, my boyfriend cheated on me with a girl named Lisa. For years and years after that, I hated anyone that had the name Lisa.

Can you share with us more about what's going on with your story? We are here to listen and help you.

Please try and not let him have that advantage. I know that's not easy...Being cheated on eight years ago was thee worst pain iv'e felt besides losing my son. My regrets is not having the patience to find a counselor that was the right fit for me. I know if I had done that I would be in a lot better shape than I am in eight years later. Thank's to social media I can see the new girlfriend and the new baby ;( . Your parents picked your name out of the love and expectancy of the journey they would have with you ince you were born. Her having the same name as you cant erase that.

A few clarifying points, it was my wife whom was carrying on the affair with someone whom I had been best friends with since pre k all the way through being the best man in my wedding. We shared a roof once as two couples, my wife and I and his wife and two kids. I was the best man at his wedding as well. So d day (over this affair) cost me a wife and a best friend in a matter of moments. I am unable as of yet to tell my friends and family so they often either ask about him in conversation or suggest I seek advice from him as he is my ‘best friend’ and if I can’t tell them I should at least tell him. He hasn’t said one word to me after they were found out and I really don’t think the coward ever will. I am rambling sorry, main point is now simply hearing speaking writing or reading my name has a higher than 80% chance of sending my mental spiraling while I have to actively keep my shit together and continue those conversations and interactions as if my brain is not on fire and my heart isn’t burning and bursting out my chest. Catskyn a few of my friends and family say the same whenever they hear me talking about changing my name, they don’t know why I want to though and wonder if they knew if they would think differently.

This is a lot of loss and betrayal, TBW. Seriously, a lot of stuff to handle emotionally. Can you begin to tell someone about this betrayal? That would stop them asking you about him. I see this as two low character people cheating on the one they are supposed to love or be best friends. This is so self absorbed and honestly, low low character of them.

It never was your fault that they betrayed you and they stabbed you in the back. This is such a huge lot of loss for you, best friend and wife. Your whole supposed support system gone in an instant and leaving you standing alone so to speak. This is why I suggest telling family members to reduce your shame and gain some support.

I've heard of so many stories like this and I think it it far harder than a stranger as the affair partner. Two people you loved and trusted betraying you at once. I want to spit on them and I don't even know them. Sorry!

I understand how this whole thing plus your name is traumatic for you and that is when I think we need to seek good counseling help. Trauma is a different bag than other stuff. Good counseling (maybe a trauma based therapist) could help you move past some of this to decide if you want to change your own name or go by your initials or something. You don't have to carry this terrible heavy burden alone any longer.

This is a huge betrayal and I am sorry you are going through this.

I understand what you are saying, but I don't think you should change your name. When you think of this ex-best friend, think of him as the "Jerk" or "A-hole" or any other disparaging name you want to refer to him as.

I agree with @hasty that some therapy could really help you get through this trying time. It is a lot for you to deal with, and professional help... an outside person who you can tell anything and everything to.... I think could really help you get through this.

You did nothing wrong. She made her choices. This is such a huge betrayal. My opinion is don't change your name. Family, other friends, will all ask you why are you doing that? Some day, you will have moved past this... I know it doesn't feel like it now, that you could ever move past this, but someday you will, and you will be glad that you kept your name. I wouldn't punish myself and my name over these two low-life people.

How are you doing now?

Thank you for the advice and support. @girlincalif I’m doing horrible. I have smiling depression down to a science though so I at least have not had to explain my mental decline to anyone at work and my family no longer believes me to be a danger to myself, as far as getting past it and being happy to not give them anymore of myself or lose anything else to this betrayal that is very thoughtful I hadn’t even considered I was letting them hurt me more if I did change my name.

It's completely understandable that you feel rotten now and I commend you for putting on a brave face at work. It's like this huge thing happens to us, and we're just supposed to act like normal. Ugh! It's so hard!

It's hard to believe this now, but you WILL get over this, and you will be glad that you kept your name. You had your name before you met either of them. Don't let them take that away from you. That name was a gift from your parents.

Good insight you have, by saying - why let them hurt you even more by having to give up your name. They would find out you changed your name and they would think they "won".

No. YOU are going to win this! Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But in the end, they are the two bad guys here, and you will prevail.

Have you maybe considered talking to a therapist? Or do you have any close friends or a family member that you can talk to about this?

It's such a crummy thing they did. It is unbelievable what they did. But I don't think they even did it to purposely hurt you, actually. They were so selfish and acting on impulses and didn't give a thought to who they were going to hurt along the way (You). They were just in it for themselves. What kind of people would do this??? UGH!

Keep writing here. Let us know how you are doing. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Keep busy. Talk to friends or family or a therapist. Do things that you enjoy and that bring you happiness. Don't let them win!!!