Just realize that you can't unring that bell. Do what you need to do.

I would say yes. She has a right to know but she may not believe you. I wonder how differently things would've went if OW's H told me esp after having 2nd d-day!!??

At the same time very true what DeliAnnem says. Geez that's hard.

So - I wish I would've been told!

Well I have the emails and detailed convos from their Yahoo messenger.messenger. I have even thought about faxing everything to her. My dilemma is, he is due to come back to the area in September or October for cotton harvest. Would I be doing him a favor. My problem is... I seem to over analyze everything. I just can't wait to see him in my wife's restaurant to give him a swift and well deserved ass kicking.

A lot depends upon your situation. In general, it would be a good thing to tell. If your wife knows you know, it can help to establish no contact to have him and his wife dealing with this too. He's less likely to make contact with your W if his W is threatening to leave.

But telling can have some consequences to be aware of.

1. If your W and him have established no contact, it can give motivation to reestablish it behind your back.

2. Not knowing her and their relationship dynamic, telling her could lead to negative outcomes like abuse or suicide. I don't think, unless you are aware of such issues, that it alone necessitates not telling, but if it happens, you'll need to be aware of the potential guilt that could inflict on you for being a contributing factor to such an outcome.

3. If he is a vengeful man, he may retaliate in whatever ways he is able with his resources. It can get nasty.

So go into it knowing your risks, and what you might face. But, yeah, she deserves to know. Most BSs wished someone who knew had told them.

I think everyone deserves to know - but I also believe they need to find out because they are on guard or do their own homework. I don't see the point of letting someone else's spouse know - I have never understood how this would make anything better.

My issue would be with my mate and whether I want to forgive or trust them. A cheating person is the one who has to respect the relationships - HE was just the tool/instrument - had it not been him it might have been just about anyone.

As far as confroting people or fighting - do you not fear going to jail?
I am not sure the post drama with all these other folks is worth it - get your house and wife in order - if that doesn't seem possible then decide how you want to deal with all this in a productive way.

Good luck.

Have you considered contacting him and telling him that if he doesn't tell her, you will?

Please tell and provide all the proof you have.

Many like to believe that the cheats are doing so only with one, but I have been in the singles's scene for 5 years now, and the cheats are on all the dating sites, entitled as all get out, all serials with few exceptions. I will garnish and cook any exception you actually find, and I am not scrambling to find a really big pot right now, ok?

I would have been SO grateful to know earlier what kind of POS I had married because I had NO clue. Some here will continue to accept these cheats, some, like me, realize cheats are deficient in character and always out of control sexually. If you think your cheat is just seeing one, you simply have not discovered the others. Believe what you need to about that if staying with one of these cheats recommends itself to you, but please don't leave an innocent person to their delusions. It is so costly to not know what you are tied to.

Let the BS know if for no other reason than the cheats tend to steal from their spouses, procreate with any and all, and expose one to sexual diseases one cannot recover from. Fine if you are signed onto cheater abuse as a conscious decision, totally unfair to the BS believing themselves married to a decent and honest person.
PS I hope you beat him senseless and don't get a scratch or into any trouble. That last is a real possibility and i hope you will be careful of your outcome.

#7 - I have to agree w/that statmemt - dating sites are filled with cheaters - married folks - Sad true. BTW, it's easy to find folks on dating sites and you don't need to create a profile to do so. There are also free sites out there that tell you what dating sites your mate might have a profile to. Scary but these days we just don't know. I rather do my homework and keep my eyes open. In the end when we find out we can be angry at the other person all we want but our real issue is with the cheater. So sorry for all those who have to deal with this. Truly SUX!

Tell her!! You are not responsible for what her H might or might not do.

I told the OW's husband and am so glad I did. He was so grateful!

I can tell you, I wish someone had told me what was going on.

I would keep it brief and succinct. Tell her you have proof, if she wants it.

In my situation, the other guy never asked for any proof. I was prepared if he did. Telling him changed everything!! Best thing I ever did, and I wish I had done it sooner.

BTW, it's called consequences. These cheaters seem to have it so easy. Always nice to know you can deliver up a big, full plate of consequences.

Good luck!

Wow! Where to start. I have 85 pages of Yahoo messenger archives between them chatting. It does not however show the pictures that were I.M. to one another. Plus, I have some of the 75 pictures and videos that were taken for my "birthday" (whole other story) with his and her email addresses and the time stamps to match the instant messages. With him saying he is messing around with other random nasties .

I have considered calling him. But I would rather see him face to face. Yes I am afraid of going to jail but it'd be worth the time and trouble .

I will be brief when I tell her. She has to know. BUT ONLY AFTER I TEXT HIM THAT I KNOW HOW TO REACH HER. What she does after that is her choice. I live in TX so if I feel threatened I have all right to shoot first.
though I feel that may not be the outcome. just shooting off my big mouth.

Thank you all for the help. I'll give ya'll the 411 later.

Gabriel

There is so much I have to say on this subject, it's tough for me to condense it all. All I can say is....I know how you feel ...and....

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves" (one for you).

You mention your wife's restaurant. Does she own it, or only work there?

If you bring her employment into it, she could lose her job and/or be bad for business. Then you've got more more problem to deal with.

Yep, it will rock her world, but he choose to be a filthy maggot, better she should know what crawls into her bed and slinks around her house and tucks her kids in at night
For as hurt as you are, are you sad that you know or sad that she did it

I have mixed feelings about this. I wish people had told me when they knew about my husband's affairs. I felt like such a fool when I found out that others had known, been with me at parties and social events, and all the while just felt sorry for me but never said a word.

HOWEVER, after one of my husband's many affairs I was contacted by the OW's husband and although I already knew about the affair, I did not take well to him contacting me. It's that whole, "I can insult my loved one, but no one else can" thing. Weird, I know. There was also an "anonymous" reporter who emailed me (several times), and I was defensive to that as well. I didn't want anyone telling me my husband's offenses... in my mind they were only causing pain - not helping take it away.

I wish there was an answer, but really, it's all situational. Consider... the spouse of the cheater is not a bad person. Think about the pain you will be inflicting and consider all possible outcomes. I wish someone had told me, but it would have had to be someone who was close to me, who had MY best interests in mind, and who was going to be there for me as I tried to move forward and heal. Anyone else was just a self-serving, hateful person in my mind as they were just causing pain, not helping lift me out of a bad situation and helping me move on.

As Dr. Phil would say (bad reference, I know), "what's the payoff for you?" Are you just in it for revenge or are you really trying to help the person? If you break them into a million pieces (and that's what infidelity does), who will be there to put the pieces back together again?

Why is Dr. Phil a bad reference? : )