congrats on group to a group meeting you should try SA instead. But AA will help.
You will have to learn why you acted out.
You will have to admit all the dirty details to your wife, holding anything back will cause you to slip and cheat again.
Keeping any secrets from your wife will cause you to slip and cheat.
Lying to your wife even white lies will cause you to slip and cheat.
Not being open and talking to your wife about how you act will cause you to cheat again.
Not defending your wife on any level will cause you to cheat again.
Not including your wife in things will cause you to cheat again.
Not doing the hard painful work of knowing why you cheated, will cause you to cheat again.

You will cheat again... unless you change everything and truly make a difference.

I am a partner of a sex addict. Admitting that you are out of control is the first step and I commend you for that.

Please pause before you spill your guts to your wife. If you want to keep the pain that she will go through at the lowest level possible do your research. Look up Betrayal Trauma, BTR, Dr. Omar Minwalla, CSAT, APSATS, there are podcasts, books, and groups that you can talk to before you unleash that bomb on her. The point of discovery for a partner is life-altering, do not follow all of the advice that you find. There is a model that follows co-dependent partners and betrayed partners. I cannot support the co-dependent label that the SA, and CSAT model preach, they are valid for the addict but they can leave an unnecessary traumatic impact on the partner.
It is a brave thing to reach out for support.

I would suggest starting to see a therapist.

It sounds like you need to sort out your feelings, and a professional (therapist) could help you with that.

Oneshot-

In the initial post the word “I” was used twenty three times, which clearly demonstrates you speaking from your perspective. Perhaps you should consider looking at things from your wife’s perspective how she feels, what she needs, and what she wants. Surprisingly, these were not touched on, and would be of paramount significance if the marriage were to continue.

Basing an observation solely on this post, regarding your selfish actions, contemplating how things affect only yourself, showing no remorse (in the post), and failing to consider your wife’s feelings or perspective, you should really consider the single life.

Again, this was solely based on this one post, perhaps you are the most thoughtful husband ever. This reply was intended to present an alternative perspective and to hopefully generate a degree of introspection.

Best of luck to you.

Hi there,

there is another community group called Cheaters Anonymous that might be more attuned to address your questions. Activity there is up and down, and has been slow lately, but it is worth a try.

Every affair is different, but most have remarkably similar characteristics and distinctive experiences it seems. Not everyone that cheats will cheat again or is a serial "cheater". Some folks just find love with someone else, or find that they discover variations in their sexual interest. But, when you're in a relationship with another person, their desires and values and needs matter, too; duh. So acting unilaterally is the primary selfish part. But, that wasn't your main question.

If you don't want to do it again, then don't do it again. If you loved your spouse and your AP, then it is really really tough. And you would know if it is love and not just passion by the depth and development of the relationship. I'd contend that that is why emotional affairs, or emotional+physical affairs are often the most challenging - because you are "in love". Only you would know that.

DDay was awful. And it lasted a long time. It is still going on. My husband still has pain every day from my affair and it has been almost a year. He has forgiven me, but still doesn't understand and for that he is afraid, and fear makes pain hurt more. I still care for my AP, very much, and I still wish I was able to go to him for my friendship needs and intellectual communication needs, but I really can't. So, I chose my husband and my family, because that what is best for the most people. But I recognize that my being "selfless" for so long in our relationship prior to the affair is part of what led me to be "selfish" (though there is room for philosophical debate, with or without judgement with that word....) in having the affair, and while that is very oversimplified, still now my being "selfless" and doing everything I can to protect my family and my husband by rejecting my affair and my relationship with my AP, possibly at the expense of some of my needs (which just aren't all met, though the attempt is there, and the potential may be there....), may well just recreate the personal and relationship misery that was before the affair. But we, as a partnership, are determined to not let ourselves, individually or as a couple, sink to that place again without taking action.

Anyway, post DDay you need to decide what you need, and what your wife and family needs from you. So yes, a year later I still care about my AP, and I still love my husband. My husband and I have grown closer, and grown as people in relation to the affair and its discovery, although it was/is a painful process. It was a smack to our senses for both my husband and I to get our lives and priorities in order (i.e. less anger, more actual time with family, figure ourselves out, focus on happiness, decrease or eliminate insecurity, stop defining ourselves by each other, etc.) We are focused on honesty, trust, family first, and committed to our own happiness (and discovering what that is and requires) as individuals and supporting each other whatever comes. It is not easy, and my husband is slowly coming to terms with the fact that I loved someone else, even though he knew I was in love and seriously committed to others before I even met him.

So, that's a lot, but I hope it helps give you some context from one experience.

Thank you all for the advice and the support. I welcome it all and please do continue.

Update: It has been more than a month since that day, and things are getting better. I know now what was missing. We have not been intimate, truely, in years. When we did have sex (HUGE gaps, months on end), there was no intimacy and passion, and i feel that is what i was looking for. But it was just not about sex, there was no intimacy and passion in general for about 3 years. This is no one's fault i think, but because maybe we were so busy and concerned about other things, we thought just loving each other was enough. Out of nowhere, that day (When i wrote my first post), she felt something she didnt feel in a long time. ANd i did not understand it at first (i thought she was doing because it was jealousy or trying to get one up on the AP?) , but when i realized the feeling, i finally figured out what was wrong with us. It was an eye opener and i did not understand that this is what i was looking for all this time.

More questions: We are trying to move forward, but she (which is completely fair) is still going back to the past, past meaning the affair, when will this go away?

Even though it seems like we are growing.. slowly but surely, everyday especailly in the morning, sitting alone, the guilt keeps coming back and it hurts so much and i have to rush to my wife to see her. My question is, how can i get over that feeling?

I want to build the trust back up and that is the thing that has been broken, understandably, how can i build that back up? I dont care how long it takes but as long as it moving towards the positive.

There is no feelings toward the AP, no emotional connection, no more physical attraction, nothing. I am now sure of that and was sure of that when i first posted this, how can i show my wife that?

Thanks all the continued support.

I am a betrayed spouse. It is the craziest most life altering experience of my life. Your wife is devastated and in a strange place within herself. My husband has moved on much like you as far as the affair partner goes... but I have not. I still live with triggers and I can barely watch. show with him that doesn't include infidelity AND I'm in it all over again. You may have come to the conclusion that what you had with the AP is over but if your wife is anything like me it is consuming her. I can tell you where I am:

I am wanting to move forward in our reconciliation but how can I trust that my husband has what it takes to take an imperfect marriage where things aren't perfect. In my opinion, cheating is a HUGE character flaw and shows weakness. I am not as attracted to that part of him so on top of trying to get over the betrayal and what it means for my self esteem, I am trying NOT to look at him with disgust and trying to know if I'll respect myself on the other side of it. It is a lot. BE PATIENT. The only thing that is going to get us through is if my husband is 100% reassuring to me. Whatever reassures her DO THAT for as long as you can while being 110% faithful and honest.

@Oneshot, you can not "FIX" her or heal her. That is her journey.
You need to daily work on yourself, for the rest of your life.. but lets just do it for today first.
You need to write down how you feel and why, then say a prayer, then go ask your wife how is she doing, your guilt is not for her to fix either.
Your trust building if for the rest of your life, Every time you do something wrong write it down so she can read it, only if she wants to.
Be open and honest, with her.
Keep coming back.