I don't think I can advise you in any way... But I just wanted to tell you that you're amazing for taking the high road trying to forgive and also being concerned for the well-being of the child. I hope you take the time to take care of yourself as well. Best of luck to you.

So sorry what your going through. This is really extreme. I know you just found out but it's important to really realize 2 things: cheaters never admit to the full truth he only told you what he couldn't deny. It's very unlikely they had sex only twice completely under influence like he says and she got pregnant from just those 2 times. It's much more likely he wants to try to lot cause you more pain by telling the truth. But please embrace urself for much more truth. It's also very possible an affair is still going on. The second thing is please get STD tested. He likely didn't tell the truth about the real amount of cheating and he ckearly didn't use protection so everyone she slept with you technically slept with now.

If he's telling the truth and he's renorsefull and want to fix the marriage it's going to be extremely hard. The only successfull recovery after an affair is if they cut all ties that's ckearly not going to happen. You will be confronted all the time with his cheating by seeing the kid and for the kids sake there has to be some sort of communication between the 2 if them which will be constantly in ur face. You are setting urself up for always lasting pain.
I'm currently working things out with my partner but I could not have lived with extramarital child that's to painfull.
You mention that you both want to go back to how things were. Very normal thought I wished that too but reality is you can't the past is now dead gone and will never come back. Recovery adter affair means to built a new chapter but the old one is gone.

You found out very recent this is so intense there is no need to make any decisions now. First get some counseling for urself work on ur own individual happiness and when u get stronger than review where things are.

I don't know if u have any own kids involved if not it would be healthier for ur own happiness to leave as hard as that is. But you are going to get hurt day in day out once this kid is born and on top of that the recovery after affair is extremely hard and painfull.
Hugs

This is Bullshit! She will not abort this kid! What kind of parent will she be anyway? She does drugs and threatens to kill her own child to get her way? She is trying to play house with your husband! If he goes to one more appointment make sure you go right along with them! Don’t forget to tell everyone who you are.. the dr the nurse, receptionist ect...
if there is remotely any chance for you two... he needs to have very little contact. Pay his responsibilities and let the kid decide when he’s 18 without the mother.

I really worry about you making a painful decision to stay. It is likely that they are both manipulating you. Remember cheaters and their affair partner share similar traits that you likely do not.

She hooks him in with a child and says she will abort if he leaves her. He tells you that he will commit suicide to hook you in.

You will spend your resources and time for the rest of your life to support your cheating spouse, the affair partner, and their child.

The child will be a constant reminder of who your spouse really is and the affair partner will never be out of your life.

In the end the responsibility for this child is of the true parents and not yours. The three of them are not entitled to your attention and your resources.

If you want to help a kid then sponsor one from Africa through World Vision or something. This kid has nothing to do with you.

There will be a lot of pain if you allow destructive people be dependent on you. You will never be able to trust that your husband and the affair partner are just friends or that she won't be continuously trying to undermine your already broken relationship with your husband.

I personally would rather be alone forever than be in that situation. If the paternity test we took showed my son wasn't my son....I wouldn't be with her anymore.

Heartbroken, I see you've spent the majority of your post taking responsibility for his cheating. Since it was your job that caused the breakdown in the marriage which in turn caused his cheating, please tell us about your cheating. I'm just assuming since your job caused him to cheat then it probably caused you to cheat as well.

We would also like to know more about the guy you were venting to and telling crap about your husband. Obviously since the normal and mature way of dealing with a broken marriage is to find someone else to trash talk your spouse, i'm sure you did the same.

What? You did not do any of that? Then why should you take responsibility for his cheating, for the life of his child, for his life? I hate to tell you this but no matter what you do...you cannot control what they do. If she wants an abortion that is out of your control. Him having contact with her is a recipe for cheating and you will NEVER know for sure if he has another ooopsie mistake because it's for sure he wont tell you again unless he has to tell you or she comes to tell you in order to break you up. You have no idea what he is telling her right now.

Can you not see he is trying to manipulate you? Even if you don't believe that he would EVER do something like that to you, you need strength right now.

Let him deal with the mess he made right now. You need to deal with yourself. You need to heal. There is a reason why airlines tell you to put on your oxygen mask first. If you are not strong enough to help yourself you will not be strong enough to help anyone else.

calirn13...LMAO!!!!!! My ex never wanted me near his affair partner because he was worried about how she would treat me. So sad it turns out he was lying to her as well as to me. Saying he had to stay with me because I was suicidal. While i was telling him to leave me alone. Going to the appointments...OMG!!!! I can't breathe with all the laughing i'm doing.

Get tested for STDs, find a therapist so you will have the help you need determining if you want to stay in this sort of relationship (because this is just the tip of the iceberg, cheaters lie, cheaters gonna cheat...its what they do). If you do end up staying with your cheater, I would demand paternity testing from the skank before assuming any responsibility over this whatsoever. You can't take the word of a cheater or a skank.

Very difficult situation, It was one my biggest fears when I discovered my EX was cheating on me. It could still happen and I think I will still die because I would hate the idea of having to share child support...
Usually after the discovery of an infidelity our first instinct is to want to work things out. We do it because we usually still have feelings for the guy. We want to justify them (like you are doing by saying he had blurred judgment because of the drugs, because of your job etc...) I'm not saying it is not possible to reconciliate but it is really harder than you think.
For starters: 1. there should be remorse and repent without "I'm sorry, but...." but nothing, be clear on that.
2. A cheater cheats only because they feel entitled to do it, there is nothing that you did or could have done to prevent it or cause it. It was not your fault. Cheaters think that they can justify cheating because they felt, lonely, because you are not clean enough, because you are too loud etc... All that is their problem. Nothing is forever, but It would nice if they would face us with the problem or the concern instead of cheating first. Entitlement, entitlement that is the only reason. You have nothing to do with it. No matter how much of a lousy spouse you can be, cheating is never your fault, it is purely and solely entitlement. They have options, there always are, but they chose the stupid and the most selfish one.
3. Reconciliation takes greater commitment on his part, showing you and teaching you how to trust him again. He should never say, "get it over with", "you with that again" "are you always going to bring this up?"

4. Take day by day, you are in mourning, you just attended the WAKE of your former relationship and just entered into a complete different one. Things will never be the same, NEVER. you have learned a great lesson. Things can only go better or worse.

About that baby, that is the hardest thing. Not only you have been deeply betrayed, now you have to have your husband rub this affair baby on your face for the rest of you life. You are a good person, just to conceive a life like that and taking that baby in consideration is very laudable. kudos to you.
Take one day at a time. Do not allow anyone to rush you into making or taking a decision right away. Make it clear that as of now, you will try to work things out but have in mind that you were the betrayed here and you can pace things your way. You can detract and run away whenever you want.
Please know that the other option, divorcing this man, is an option too. A viable one, and a happy ending for you too. Please know that if you don't have already kids with this man, you can do a NO CONTACT and erase this person from your life for good. That is an option too.
Whatever you decide I wish you the best. honestly, I wished I have had the chance to save my marriage but I didn't. I was dumped like garbage. Now I am the one filling for divorce and my life only looks brighter even if I sill have to see his stupid face for the rest of my life (we have kids together).

I am glad I made you laugh

Thank you, Bebe11. And to everyone else, most of you had good, supportive advice and I appreciate that. I am taking it a day at a time, doing what’s right for me and defending myself now. My husband moved out last weekend and we are currently separated to try and take time to heal on our own before making any final decisions together. We have started marriage counseling already also. My husband and I don’t have kids together (thank God). And no, I never cheated on him or vented to another man about him.... what I said was HE vented to HER about me and now she thinks I’m this awful, evil person even though we have never met. Well, skank, I can tell you the feeling is mutual!!! Anyway I have gotten tested for STDs and am thankfully negative... that’s one of the first things I did. I have also told both families what happened and everyone is very supportive of me doing what’s best for me. I’m thinking of starting individual counseling also.

To whoever said I should demand to go to the appointments too, that is actually a pretty good idea. Maybe not right now, since I am still deciding what I’m going to do. But if I decide to stay and try to work it out, I will absolutely try that. If I’m going to be in the picture long term than this cheating skank of a woman better get used to me being around, and tough shit if she doesn’t want me involved in her pregnancy. She lost all of her rights the moment she decided to sleep with MY HUSBAND.

Anyway, my husband plans to get the child paternity tested the second it is born. It sounds like doing it before then can cause serious complications and increases the risk of a miscarriage, so I don’t know if it’s wise to do it before then.

The most helpful thing I’ve learned to accept through all of this is just what many of you have said - that this isn’t my fault no matter how my actions or my job contributed. I have been telling everyone close to me that if he doesn’t come back with me being the #1 priority in his life, even above this child, then I’m leaving. I won’t be second place to anyone or anything. There hasn’t been sufficient time for that to become clear to me one way or the other, but I will NOT be a doormat. Still deciding and hoping time reveals the truth, and I’m sure one day it will be very clear to me. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. Really appreciate the encouragement and positive comments tho y’all.

I am unfortunately in the same situation. Husband and I were having terrible times, divorce began. He never responded to any of the files documents during the rough patch. I found out about his cheating when my mother was dying. He said he stopped talking to her just to find out a week later he lied. Time passed, he had not contact with her. Further time went on (at least 1.5y after mom passed) I find out recently he was still with her, however substantially less (per her) I contacted her. She believes I am the crazy one based upon what he had told her. The relationship had gone on for approximately 4y. Our divorce remained pending since 2013 (still open) he said he never closed it because he had hoped I’d never find out about the most recent time he was talking to her. He states the only reason he continued the relationship after the first time I found out was because she had gotten pregnant & he paid for an abortion. She was blackmailing him. I know this because when he confronted her on speaker phone, he asked why she sent me a series of text messages he had said because he didn’t call her. She also stated in our conversation that she knew he wouldn’t talk to her again because there was nothing left to keep from me. What the heck!! Apparently she only goes after married men. Prior to finding out, they had recent relations. Although things had gotten substantially better for us (of course before I found out) now that I know, he has returned to the man I fell in love with. He said it’s because all these years (abortion 2015) he was so afraid I would find out about it & leave him. Now that I know everything and the current pregnancy, he immediately jumped to cancel our divorce. I am so distraught! I also fell the same way regarding the constant reminder and pain of a child. I have a 14y old daughter who is not stupid, when a baby comes she will clearly know what’s going on. This is disappointing because I do not want her to believe his actions are acceptable. But I want her to see the value of marriage. The only 2 options I have is to1. Leave (she wins, because she wanted to trap him. She has hurt me with her words saying they had sex during her fertile time & he wanted to get her pregnant (I highly doubt it though- he is upset by it for the pain it is causing me. He states the relationship continued (although not often, which she also confirmed) to keep her quiet. The second option I have is to kill her with kindness. Love the baby as if it is my own. Gosh, the constant reminder of the stupid situations my husband put himself in is mind boggling. How could he be so stupid. I have enforced in my children that regardless of what they do, if they are honest they will get a lesser punishment. I would imagine my husband had absorbed this. But has not. I believe if the affair & honesty came from him rather than me finding out by other means, I would feel a bit better. I also wonder if it was a 1 night stand how I would respond. People make mistakes. Although I would not put myself in a situation like this and my parents were married (through good & bad) until my mother passed (dad still wears his ring) Husbands parents divorced. Husbands sister has consistently cheated on her husband and the mom had slept around. I can only see this as learned behavior. This is not acceptable nor am I making excuses! Husband girlfriend is 35y never married, just moved out of parents house (1.5y ago) I think a bit odd. She also revealed mother in law updated her when my husband had surgery- she of course denies it. But mother in law & I have NEVER seen eye to eye. When I told the girlfriend (prior to knowing about pregnancy) we were going to work things out. She became more hurtful in her words (not once did I blame her, disrespect her (after all she owed me nothing, he made the choice) besides calling me crazy, she said “how are your going to handle working things out with your husband, living with knowing he got another women pregnant” gosh!! In a bind- immediately my close friends have told me to leave. I’m ashamed to tell other friends or family because of disappointment. They will surely at some point or another find out. I just can’t deal with it at this time. As far as appointments etc- unless I’m present, he is not attending. I’m a nurse, I told him if he wants to be in the room for delivery, I will be right there holding a leg. I also identified this baby would be 1/4 mine & asked if I could pick the middle name (not being mean but rather putting some things in perspective. She began messing with his job. They work together. It has been made very clear that his job will not tolerate bringing these issues into the work place & both were told to cease communication at this time. Otherwise there would be repercussions. Husband knew when we married cheating is unacceptable and I would immediately leave. When I initially found out, as I noted my mother was dying. I had zero energy to even address our personal problems. My focus was on my mother. Probably a mistake it was not to immediately address. I believe with my heart the relationship would not have continued if he wasn’t afraid of the information she was threatening to tell me. I believe this because 1. She was only able to identify about 5times they were together in 1.5y (although they were talking the entire time) 2: because she stated she told me because he did not call her. 3. Because she said he would probably never talk to her again(before work requested they cease communication, they also transferred my husband) because I knew everything. I still can’t understand how he could be so stupid. I do understand the relationship began after I filed for divorce & we were separated. But we got back together a month or so after the separation, yet the relationship continued for years before I found out & still continued for 1.5 y after I found out. I am curious to hear how things are going for the initial women who posted this topic.

best thing for the innocent child would be for your husband to go no contact and hope that the child is given up for adoption, next best would be that the sicko girlfriend / pregnant monster actually abort the child.
i'm not a big proponent of abortion but this innocent child is already being abused since the "mother" is using the innocent child in such away, so sad that your loving husband choose the actions that put this innocent life and yours in such jeopardy.
the high road comments are off base, your husband is 100% culpable and 100% about his own cockjoy, there is only heartbreak for others that get involved with his evil heart

RE: Catinhat

There are a lot of issues with your situation. It seemed like a exit affair since you were already going through divorce proceedings when he started cheating.

Another issue is that he still works with her and communicates with her regarding the baby. This means that communication with her will always be open. One requirement of reconciliation from all experts and sources is that there needs to be no contact. I don't think you can achieve this in your current situation.

Another issue is that I don't recall seeing in your message that he has taken full responsibility and gone through intense counseling to deal with his moral/character and personal issues. His family origin has a bit part to play in how he developed as a person. He cant just decide to be better and must deal with his issues and grow.

The chances that he will continue cheating with this woman at some point or perhaps another is very high. You may want to consider how safe of a person he is to be with in his given state and his current level of maturity and character growth.

I'm in a similar boat as you and everyone one on this site as told me to run to the nearest lawyer. I live the hell you are in right now. Every person's story is different. We don't reveal all of the details that would take hours of typing. I give bits and parts when I’m looking for support, but the only support I get is to find a good lawyer. My H's “other” baby was born in January. The OW's only intent was to split us up, she was taking fertility pills and basically raped my H. She hung it over his head, drove him into a depression and when she realized he didn’t want her she called me to tattle. When she told me about the baby, I told her that it was her pregnancy, it was her problem and funny thing, she never asked for anything from him after that. He did not go to any appointments, he was not present for the birth and is not on the BC.

Only you know what you can handle. You have to have trust and respect. You have to be able to hold your head up and be proud of the choice you make. My H understands that he has caused me un-measureable hurt and anger. Some days I lash out and beat him into the ground verbally. Some days I can think and plan a future together. It will never be the same, we both have agreed to that. But I still look for hope, even though no one says I should. I love my H and the thought of being without him kills me. The thought of that child kills me more.

Should the day come when my H wants something to do with that child, His bags will be packed and on the lawn. Is it the child's fault? No, but if he was raped as he claims then it wasn’t his either and abortion wasn’t an option given to him. As a women, you have to be responsible for yourself and your actions. IF you choose to have unprotected sex the baby that is created is your responsibility. Too many women these days use babies to trap men, to save or to create relationships. I had my son before I met my H. I raised him on my own, no child support, no assistance. I had unprotected sex, knowingly and willingly, so I am responsible for my kid. Parts of what I wrote above may sound cold and piss people off, but I feel the way I do because I have done it, I have the right to think others can too. The child only suffers if you tell the child they are suffering.

Only you can decide what to do, how much you can bare. You can’t say things will get better but you can’t say they won’t. I can tell you we fight less today then we did 11 months ago. I can tell you I never have stopped loving him. I can tell you my H offered to leave me, give up his freedom and take my verbal abuse whenever I need to dish it out. The thoughts in your head will never go away, they will become less frequent but they will always hurt and make you sick. I don’t know if we will still be married in 6 months let alone 6 years. I don’t plan to divorce him but I never planned on this either. Take it one day at a time, one week at a time and so on and so on. But if you get to the point when you have no fight left. If you get to the point when you find yourself thinking or wondering about another man, then take the high road and get divorced. Don’t become a cheater, that will kill you more. Love isn’t enough. You will love your H forever, but everyone has their breaking point. It’s not for anyone on this site’s place to judge you or advise you. You have to live with your choice, your pain. Come here to vent and bleed your soul, but know that only you have to wake up tomorrow with your feelings, none of us do.

I wish you healing. Deep breathes in time you will find the right path.

I can relate and it's easy for people to comment about what they would do. My husband had an affair with a coworker of ours for over 3 years. She is older than both of us, has two teenage children and I believe got pregnant to encourage him to leave me. We have two.children of our own and she knew that. Her baby was born 2 days before my son's bday. I have been dealing with this for 9 months and agree with the previous post that the relationship will never be the same
We have agreed to work it out, and my family is pissed at me. Some days i really don't know what to do. It's a lousy situation to be in and is unfair to us the betrayed. To the other women on this post going thru it, you are in my prayers. The emotional rollercoaster and nightmare that this is sucks. I can't even go into details because it's so much and it just puts me back into a funk. I pray for strength, guidance, and healing for us all. peace