First of all, big hugs to you! This is an awful time and I am so sorry you find yourself here. How can you hurt this bad and still love her? Because you can't just turn it on and off. You may have read my story in the other thread ("Men hurt too") and even through all the unimaginable pain, I found myself saying, "I want to save my marriage. I believe I could forgive anything if he would sincerely try." And, that's what I am still trying to do. We love "in spite of", not just "because".

The one piece of advice I will give you, though, is this....do NOT make any major decisions right away. You said that the discovery of the affair is recent. Most therapists will recommend you wait AT LEAST 6 months before making any big decisions regarding your marriage. This is because the emotions are so raw and intense that it can be next to impossible to make rational decisions about your future. In the 3 months after my H left me, I didn't know which way was up.

Everyone is going to have an opinion about what you should or shouldn't do. The problem is, they aren't you. It is easy for them to say to just divorce her because they do not have to deal with all of the ramifications of that decision. Some, including my H, say that divorce would be the "easy way out". I say NUH-UH!!! Especially if children are involved. In our case, we would have been dealing with child custody issues, child support, alimony, division of property, etc. It would have been a disaster for him financially, and for all of us emotionally. It's a decision that some have to make, but not one easily reached.

The question isn't what others want you to do or think you should do. The question is, what do YOU want? Do you even know at this point? Are you confused? If so, don't rush yourself into a decision. Seek counseling for yourself to help you work through these intense emotions and gain some perspective on your situation. Some can and do recover from infidelity with their marriage intact. Only you can decide if that may be the case for you.

Your thoughts can change from day to day. That's part of the roller coaster of infidelity. One day you are determined to make it work, the next you may be wondering what the hell you are doing there. That's normal. So, give yourself time. You can certainly explore all of your options, but do not feel pressured or pressure yourself to do anything you may not be ready to live with.

I am so very sorry you are feeling this pain. I know exactly how you feel. I found out in Feb. that my H had an affair for approx. 10 months with a 22yo. girl. I think he fell in love with her or the idea of her...she made him feel young again. It is so devastating to find out...I felt so stupid, such a fool for not even having a clue. I trusted him so completely. Now I feel so stupid for loving him. I can't help it though. You don't have to move on, you don't have to divorce her. Everything I have read tells me to not make rash decisions, give the marriage a year. See what changes can be made, if the pains can be healed. I'm at the six month mark and sorry to say it's not that much easier. My hope is that your W will make more of an effort than my H is making to make things right. He has no idea how I feel and still blames most of this mess on me. Hang in there...if you love her it's because you are supposed to love her. If you want to save your marriage, try...don't listen to what anyone else tells you. You have to live with your decisions. Here if you ever want to chat.

I too still love my H, and believe me, he gave me plenty of reasons to hate him... But, I don't. If we could find away to hate our CSs everything would be much less complicated...

The thing that caught my attention was that she ended the A to work on her marriage... If she's truly serious about your marriage, and she is willing to help YOU through this emotional hell, you may have a chance...

It's so easy to give advise when you aren't the one living this nightmare, so do what YOU want, not what others tell you...
I wish you well, and hope things work out for you...

((HUGS))
Karen

My husband of 12 years cheated this year and it's been a living hell to say the least. I had to look deep inside myself and decide what was best for me. I still loved my husband very much and decided to stay and work things out. I can say that although the revelations of his affair have been painful I made the right decision. He is committed to repairing the damage and helping heal the pain and our marriage is stronger now than it's been in years. If you really want to rebuild it's definitely possible. You both have to be open and willing as it is an extremely painful process. Best of luck to you.

I have to agree that YOU are the person who has to live with your decision. Can you honestly say that you love your wife? Do you want to love her and care for her until you are parted by death? OR are you afraid to be alone and want to cling to what you are familiar with?

My H made a horrible choice during a rough time in our life. I can either accept that and we can work on fixing the devasation this caused or I can give up and walk away from my 20 year marriage. I had to think long and hard about whether or not the love I felt for him would be enough to keep me going through this very long and difficult healing process. Its been 6 months since D day and we are slowly healing. The pain gets easier to bear, but it doesnt go away.

Are you up for it or would you rather walk away and start over? There will be good days and bad days but its all part of the process. Counseling is a good place to start. We are in a much better place than we were 6 months ago, but nowhere near where we need to be yet.

Dont allow others to influence your decision. This is a good example of why you dont shout it to the world and have very few people you confide in Should you be able to work things out, there are a lot of people now who will never be able to forgive her.

Make good decisions right now and come here for support and a place to vent.

Thanks to everyone, this site is a big help. Yes I do truly love her but so much has been lost and i can't seem to look at her the same. I am glad that I have found this site and have people going through the same thing to lean on. It feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and all of the energy has been sucked out of me.

wow, sorry you have to be here.

This does suck...we know!

You really can't make good choices in this emotional state. Who can even think clearly at this point? No one. Don't think we don't get it.

Take some time to make any decisions. They are too permenant.

Deep breath...deep breath...deep breath...

Sending support, L~

I want you to know it gets better< it takes a lot of time, but it does. I know it doesnt seem like it now.
I was one of those people, like your fam and friends "before" it happened to me. I used to say if I ever get cheated on, I am done with that Person. Then it happened and things looked lot different.
I agree with the others, dont make rash decicions at this moment.
i also did not think I could ever trust my H again or look at him the same, but here I am 3 years later still married and happy again. I am not saying it will be the same for you and her I just want to say that there is a chance....
I am an advocat of marriage counceling, you can even go alone if you dont want her to go with you yet. They dont only mend marriages, they also help you figure out if a marriage is not worth saving and help you heal. That is what our councelor did for us.
Keep coming back here, the good people on this site helped me so much. You will find you are not alone and there is others out here that go trough the same thing and understand you like nobody else can.
Sending you lots of support

I too, am very sorry you are here. I agree with previous posts that advice not to make rash decisions while everything is very raw, if that's the type of person you are. People are different in their response to this type of thing. It does sound like you would benefit from a bit more time to heal, but I don't know you personally. I could be wrong.

I am one of those people who says cheating is an instant dealbreaker for me. It was (twice) and it still is. I didn't need to think about it! I felt much better by moving quickly and decisively.

But, again people are different! You decide what is going to work for YOU and YOUR situation. There is no ONE solution that works for everyone. Leaving may not be the right decision for everyone. But neither is staying.

I also agree that you shouldn't listen to what other's tell you to do. It has to be your decision. You are the only one (besides your wife), who knows the true dynamics of your marriage.

Don't be afraid to walk away if that's what you ultimately decide is needed. You shouldn't feel pressure to remain in a bad situation either.

If your W is truly remorseful and is doing all the right things to reconcile, you may have a really good opportunity to come out of all of this with a stronger marriage than before. But, it may not come up smelling like roses.

Are you seeking individual counseling? Is she willing to seek couples (and individual) counseling? I believe some hard and dedicated work would be required (by BOTH parties). That's one of the things I've learned on DS and it makes sense if you're going to try to work on things.

Don't feel pressured to do anything other than what's best for you. Look at what's best for you and what you know about yourself, in conjunction with what the cheater is willing to give.

Just thought you should get opinions from all sides. Hoping for the best for you.

Sending strength and support...