Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Found out on January 1st my husband had an emotional affair for 6 months with a woman he had done this with 4 years ago. It was all via text and he had cut it off 3 weeks before I found out. I felt like the rug was yanked out from under me. He said he had been considering leaving me but after having a good conversation between us a few weeks ago he changed his mind and wanted to be with me. I thought we had been doing good, I had absolutely no idea. He suffers from untreated depression, PTSD, and I’m beginning to think maybe bipolar. He’s always leaned on me to be his emotional support for his mental illnesses but I just can’t do it in this situation. Me confronting him about this has seemed to set off a huge shitstorm of mental health issues. He varies day to day sometimes hour to hour of loving me and apologizing and doing sweet things for me, to accusing me of doing things wrong, being mean, defensive, and saying he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. and now tonight hes incredibly pissed that I told some of my friends who he is friends with their husbands about what happened. He did this, and is unable to give me the support I need right now, so I need to be able to talk to my friends and not feel snotty about it. This is my life too. I really do love him, we’ve been together for almost 10 years, married for 6. But I feel like I’m being mentally tortured. Every time I feel like we are making progress he turns into this cold, angry, depressed person. He has even threatened suicide which just makes me apologize to him and try to make him feel better and worry about him. This isn’t who he is. I miss my husband and best friend. We are going to counseling in a week and a half, but I just can’t keep living on his rollercoaster. Do I go stay somewhere else for a while? Help. I feel so lost and devastated.
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Hi All.... It's great to see all of the new people joining the site... I'm loving it!!...smileI'm not sure if people are aware that if you don't have Bipolar Disorder but have a loved one who has the disorder we do have a board for people to go to in order to share their experiences and seek friendship, support or adviseIt's the Friends and Family of Bipolar Board.... I hope you'll take a...
My first husband was bipolar as well has having diagnosed BPD. It’s not uncommon for people with mental illness to cheat. It’s a form of self medicating.
I’m not in any way shape or form excising his behavior, I’m speaking from years of attending NAMI meetings - you have to remember this is his disease talking not him.
With that said:
1) You need to set boundaries if you choose to stay.
- It’s great you’ll be going to therapy but if he doesn’t ha e his own therapy to get diagnosed and properly treated he’s at high risk to do it again. I would set that boundary. He must get help.
Once he gets help, a diagnosis, therapy, and a solid plan for mental health illness then you can move forward- if you want.
2) Because cheating may be his drug of choice - make sure you have complete access to all electronic devices and passwords. Set that boundary with him.
The marriage counselor can help with that.
Take control. Take care of you. And good luck.
If you think it will be constructive for you to go stay somewhere else while you work it out - particularly if you feel physically threatened - then, yes, I think you should go stay somewhere else. Although, really, in that case it would be better for HIM to stay elsewhere. You didn't do anything wrong, why should you be the one to leave the house?
Also, I encourage you not to talk to your friends or family about it. Do not confuse your friends for competent therapists. Conceptually, you turning to your friends for emotional support is not entirely different from him turning to another woman for emotional reasons. It is an act of inserting someone else, with a subjective opinion, into your marriage. Beyond that, it can be a total chore to update everyone and explain why you were willing to take him back, etc.
Your feelings are completely legitimate and reasonable. If you find yourself apologizing to him, then he has managed to blame-shift his errors in judgment onto you.
Good luck to you.
He likely has been playing victim his entire time with you and through sympathy for him the one sided relationship has continued.
Without boundaries this will only get worse. At some point he has to stop leaning and leaching off others and develop some type of character/strength to stand on his own.
Otherwise, who will support you in your moment's of need? Right now you end up taking care of him and yourself when it should be him helping you heal.
You need to decide if he is really worth sticking around for. It doesn't seem likely that he is growing into a person who is a suitable husband or mate.
my partner will take care of me.
The choice is yours. The road ahead is going to be long and hard with no guarantees. Lots of money will be spent on therapists, maybe medications.
This is not the kind of life I would want.
I know this sucks. I know you feel that you love him. But I do think that you should take care of yourself first. Let him decide what it is he wants. He can do the work and find his way back to you. But fixing him is not your job.
We are to support our spouse in growth but give them the room and agency to make decisions and grow.
I can totally relate! I have the same exact situation only I JUST found out , and it wasnt just emotional. They did the deed. It was with my best friends daughter and right under my nose in our mutual hang out...HER HOUSE. Now the whole group of friends is split up and Im left to process something I dont think I can fully even wrap my mind around. Its all new, its only been 7 days.
Regarding the whole untreated illness thing! That I believe is why my husband cheated. He is miserable. And he blames his misery on me. Its all because of me that he is depressed. The food isnt hot enough. The house isnt good enough. I dont act right. We bought a better house. Now its not good enough. Im too hard to deal with. Im too hard to talk to. I dont go enough places with him. I didnt give him a child. Im not a good enough step mom, daughter in law, sister in law. I dont give him enough affection......DUH!!!!
Anyway, the list of complaints goes on and on and on. I joined Alanon. They almost have me convinced that this is not my responsiblilty . This is his crap. I have quit trying to arrange my life to suit him. He can kiss my ass. This my friend IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Its hard enough for all of us on this website to manage our own damn depression let alone someone else's.
Thats my two cents. For me, I have a long long road ahead. I suit up and show up. I look for Gods hand in this. His hand of mercy. Thats my prayer for all of us on here.
As for Jennifera's reply...No cheating is not a form of "self-medicating". Excessive/Random Sexual behavior can be symptoms of several Mental Illnesses, when those Mental Illnesses are not being treated properly with the right Medication and Therapeutic Methods, so that a persons brain chemistry can be stabilized, but they are "symptoms" of the Diseases not Self-Medicating options.
Counseling for you two as a couple sounds like a good idea. Counseling for your husband and seeing a Psychiatrist for a Diagnosis and Treatment is a great idea.
Uni-Polar Depression doesn't just "go away" at some point, and it can't be managed by a spouse who's trying to be helpful, it requires treatment. BiPolar Disorder is a whole different ballgame, and it's not something you can guess at, it requires Psychiatric evaluation for a Diagnosis and then lifelong Treatment, there is no cure, only management of the Disease.