Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
When our spouse has an A we often say " I thought I knew him so well!" My H and I had a conversation the other day about this. We should feel that we know our spouse inside and out, it is very comforting to believe that of the person we share everything with.
My H brought up a point I never even considered. How well do we know ourselves? He went on to say that shortly before his A { even just a couple of months} if someone would have asked him would he cheat on me his answer would have been absolutely not!
So how can a person be so sure of themselves and really mean it, then do the very thing you swore you would never do? We didn't come up with an answer.
H has had an occasional problem with ED for about a year now. First time before full disclosure of the A. So wasn't caused by stress about this anyway. He is definately afraid I might leave him because of this someday. It is not a major problem at all, but I guess if things get worse he thinks it may happen.
I have told him there is no way I would leave him because of something like that. But I can give him all of the reassurance in the world and not convince him because of his own behavior. The not really knowing yourself.
I do not doubt myself at all, but I can see how he might doubt how I would handle it.
I get the Word of the Day e-mailed everyday and print off the ones that have meaning to me. I especially liked this one concerning how I have always felt about my H and hope to feel again.
'Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly."
My H brought up a point I never even considered. How well do we know ourselves? He went on to say that shortly before his A { even just a couple of months} if someone would have asked him would he cheat on me his answer would have been absolutely not!
So how can a person be so sure of themselves and really mean it, then do the very thing you swore you would never do? We didn't come up with an answer.
H has had an occasional problem with ED for about a year now. First time before full disclosure of the A. So wasn't caused by stress about this anyway. He is definately afraid I might leave him because of this someday. It is not a major problem at all, but I guess if things get worse he thinks it may happen.
I have told him there is no way I would leave him because of something like that. But I can give him all of the reassurance in the world and not convince him because of his own behavior. The not really knowing yourself.
I do not doubt myself at all, but I can see how he might doubt how I would handle it.
I get the Word of the Day e-mailed everyday and print off the ones that have meaning to me. I especially liked this one concerning how I have always felt about my H and hope to feel again.
'Few delights can equal the mere presence of one whom we trust utterly."
I'm not an asshole or a monster, I'm actually a pretty decent sort, the reliable one in our circle. And I cheated. It's just so impossible for me to have that absolute faith in any persons character when I'm not even sure about my own. I know I did this to myself and for the most part I want to write it off as my guilt talking. At the same time, I've heard the same from so many cheaters here, that "never thought I would until I did".
My H understands how I can get to thinking the way I do. It doesn't make it any easier for him to be on the receiving end of my insecurity :(
So, I probably didn't know myself as well in my marriage, but I have learned so much about what I'm capable of.
As for your H, it may very well be that he is struggling with all of those things but it also is too often a convenient excuse for narcissists and cheaters that they do things like this then blame it on emotional issues or not being sure of what they want. Its hard to tell but if he is genuinely sorry and making the effort to figure out why he did what he did and regain your trust, then good for him.
How well do we know ourselves? Going thru the divorce and all since, I would say 'pretty damned well.' I decided it had to be a learning experience. 'If I have to go thru this shit, make something good come from it. Make me a better person for it.'
Wow, I really listened/listen to myself. I don't compromise myself anymore. I have boundaries that many would not like or agree with, but so what? They are MY boundaries. I am happy with them. I made personal rules for myself and stick to them. I like it that way. It's all good here.
As I said yesterday, 'My life is bitchin'.'
As far as your man goes, socrushed, and how he cheated when he never believed it to be on his stratosphere...well, didn't he learn just how easy it CAN happen, how slippery the slope actually is, how human he really is...and how much his marriage means to him, how much you mean to him...that what he has may seem so solid but can actually be the most fragile thing around. That means, 'treat it with care. Don't treat it like shit.'
L~
My Hs A has actually made me question my sense of my H. I thought I knew him better than anyone---but obviously I was misguided. Since all of this shit hit the fan---I find myself asking, "How well do I really know this man?" There is much that I do know about him----how he will react, what he likes/dislikes---shit like that---but more and more I wonder do I REALLY know this man the way I thought I did??
I don't know how to process those that say that I NEVER thought in a million years I'd cheat and I cheated. I don't know if I think we're all capable?? I don't know. I guess if situations were exactly right and there was obvious abuse and neglect---maybe I could accept a statement like that.... But life is tough---that's the bottom line---shit's gona get thick from time to time and I'm not one to bail when times get difficult. My H can't use that excuse. His experience with BS and stress was standard. Nothing major or heartwrenching---If I were to make a decision to cheat it would have to be some really fucked up circumstance.
I'm a big picture thinker. Decisions have a trickling affect. Getting attention from another man is going to be short lived. AND---my biggest thing about cheating (IMHO)---these relationships aren't special and romantic (to me there not). They lack sweetness and meaning that I desire in a relationship.
One thing we know is true, many, many cheaters on this site have stated that they didn't see themselves as someone who could. That's all I'm saying. I've also talked to BS behind the scenes who were sure they would never, only to find themselves thinking about cheating. Does that mean anyone could cheat? Maybe not, but it certainly reinforces the notion that more people are capable than they give themselves debit for.