Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello all, about 5 months ago I had a growing suspicion that my wife of almost 4 years was having an affair. I did the only thing I could think of and flat out told her how I felt. After she got upset that I would accuse her I decided to dig a little. At first I found some odd phone records of messages shared with a co-worker. When asked she said they were nothing, but a week later simply hinted that they may have been a little inappropriate. Ok, no big deal. Then her attitude toward our marriage did a 180 and I felt like she was going to file for divorce any day and no matter how much counseling we did her attitude never changed. I told her I would work on what she asked me to in therapy but I needed to know if it was over between her and her co-worker. She again got angry and said that I was using that as an excuse for why our marriage was failing. This went on for 3 months. I couldn't take her attitude anymore and told her she either needed to re-commit to our marriage or leave. She asked if she could use the weekend to think it over, and we had relatives in town so that was fine. Monday morning came and no answer. I decided to dig and was able to hack her FB account using an obvious password only to see with my own eyes her telling the same co-worker how much she missed him and couldn't wait to see him and lots of other flirting. I blew a gasket at this point, and was ready to throw her out. She confessed everything (not much of a confession when I saw it with my own eyes) but she said it was just flirty messages and she was sorry and it will never happen again. We are 8 weeks removed from that and I finally got her to tell me that it wasn't just messages, that they kissed a few times at work but swears nothing more. How can I believe that? Also, she swears they never speak anymore but I hear differently through the grape vine and find her actions towards me are always just the bare minimum, like she is just trying not to get thrown out of the house. I can't tell what is the truth and what is a lie anymore. How do I know?
Co-workers suck and my wife was the pursuer by phone i caught it on our records by accident of course i got the same line you got... and did the F/B thing too calls her cutie !! ..
and i contacted him as well and i got the same answers but it took him 2 days so i feel these to comapsred notes , i know she told him " my husband its nutz he'll come up kick someones ass and take names later " and believe me i was almost at the point and to the point where i wanted to end my own life over her , this board/people saved my ass from making a mistake , but honestly dont take this shit laying down, either you both want to be married or 1 doesnt , if thats the case move on save yourself from future torture Barr !!
You need to decide to believe her Or your gut. There are key loggers you can install in the computer to check further.
Is this guy married? If so, be sure you tell his wife.
Set boundaries, set limits and be very, very clear. And you need to be ready to kick her out.
Remember, this is a process. She is blaming you. You are getting the trickle truth. She'll gaslight, stonewall, on and on. Until she owns her own crap, and comes clean with you, things will not get better.
Is she worth the effort? You decide.
You need to read about and learn a couple of terms:
Google trickle truth -- that is part of what you have been experiencing. Its where they only trickle out the truth you have proof of, and doing a whole lot of minimization. Stuff like, but we only kissed a couple of times. Adults having affairs don't only kiss.
Gas lighting. This is where your gut feels something, or their behavior does not add up, and you bring up something and they act as if your crazy for even thinking it -- when the whole time it was the truth.
I really strongly suggest you go read the healing handbook over at survivinginfidelity.com -- just watch posting there. They are harsh at times, but most often very correct.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp
Find out everything you can about this coworker. If he is married, without tipping your wife off, contact his wife and let her know about their inappropriate relationship.
Once caught, 9 our of 10 times they move the relationship further underground with things like pay as you go cell phones, snap chat, etc. Technology has made this very easy.
I two of you are onto and monitoring for it, it will be much harder for them to do this.
Sorry your here with us, bro!
Good luck.
This co-worker affair stuff is no joke. You don't work there so how do you know they are being truthful if you are not there to see and check for yourself? At least you seem to have some inside sources. I would keep them close. Tell her to give you access to her work email too. That way if they talk it would have to be phone or in person so those source you have would probably have a better chance of see them more.
I say her getting angry is a sign that it has not stop really or she is mad you made it stop. One thing I've learned is they will stop contact when THEY get ready. I told my husband all I know is I better not find out you are still talking to her. He KNOWS now this is all on his shoulder. I'll tell you though it took him a while to "get it" he first thought they could go back to being friends before the flirting, ah no buddy I said NO CONTACT, that is 2 strikes he is on his last leg with me. I think it took the marriage counselor saying you seem done...are you done? And me saying I'm probably 60% out of here she said it seem more like 90%. He starting crying right there in the session and said I get it, I finally get it. So we will see.
I think you need a sit down with her and tell her how you feel. I wouldn't ask about communication right now because she is more than likely going to lie if you have no proof.
But I've also been in a situation where my hope was much bigger than my self-preservation, and I stayed clinging to hope by a thread for as long as I could, until I used up all the thread and only then did I extricate myself from the relationship, and as painful as that was, it was also incredibly healthy because I could breathe again, I didnt have to stay in a perpetual state of anxiety and fear and anger -- it was like finally climbing onto dry solid land -- peace.
I'm wishing you the best of luck.
Emotional affairs are not ok...and this one is turning to a physical one.
When you are wondering what the truth is, or how can you tell the truth...that right there tells me you feel it in your gut that she's lying.
Are you familiar with the book, "Love Must Be Tough"? It is written for spouses in similar circumstances as what you have described, and I know it has been a life and marriage saver for many couples. The advice it gives can feel counter-intuitive at times, but it is the real deal, and I think it's angle might be just the thing you are looking for right now.
Take care,
Tammi
I don't know that you can believe it. My take? You know she's been lying to you. You have no basis to believe she is telling you the whole truth. At this point, until she radically changes in attitude, transparency, and commitment to you, you can only assume that they have indeed gone all the way, and operate upon that assumption.
As far as when you decide to part ways with her will depend upon her changing significantly and you're own "I'm done" line. Tammi would have a point if this wasn't the first time (you didn't indicate this wasn't the first instance since you've been married). But like you, I felt I had to give rebuilding a chance. But that will only work if she invest herself into it.. Not sure that has happened yet.
but its what she was saying to him i like to know because she raised red flags threw out the month of October with her verbal abuse so i knew there was something a miss...i keep digging just tell her your guts and her respons say different, you can try this approach... i wont get mad or leave ect: i just want the truth out so we can move on so i dont feel like i am on a roller coaster ride that might work who knows good luck my friend