Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I am 13 months past Dday and still need to talk about things with my H. The problem is after this much time and many talks, we do not feel any better afterwards. Sometimes, we both end up in tears. My H gets frustrated and says we are just going in circles rehashing the same stuff.
Maybe so, but it is his A we're talking about after all. And of course I am still very upset! He said again that it seems that I am concentrating on the sex part of the A. YA THINK?!! Even though he did tell her he loved her, obviously he did not. Guess that part was supposed to bother me more!
So when I am upset and need to talk now, what can I say thats different than all of the other times? How can I expect comfort from him without any words? Because yes, I guess it is the same things as always that are bothering me.
We did go to counseling for a few sessions. I chose to not go back because after her initial part of telling him that what he did to me was horrible and he hurt me terribly. It was all about me and how I needed to deal with what happened because it cannot be changed. And when bad thoughts come into my mind, I need to replace them with good ones. She did say that this would be difficult to do!
I did not want someone that would tell him what a terrible person he was, but neither did I want to be made to feel like it was all up to me to make my marriage good again.
Guess i just have not been happy for such a long time that it feels like it may not be a possibility ever again. This thing is killing me. H for the most part tries to do the right thing and has even planned an overnight gettaway because I've been so stressed. I jusr feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Maybe so, but it is his A we're talking about after all. And of course I am still very upset! He said again that it seems that I am concentrating on the sex part of the A. YA THINK?!! Even though he did tell her he loved her, obviously he did not. Guess that part was supposed to bother me more!
So when I am upset and need to talk now, what can I say thats different than all of the other times? How can I expect comfort from him without any words? Because yes, I guess it is the same things as always that are bothering me.
We did go to counseling for a few sessions. I chose to not go back because after her initial part of telling him that what he did to me was horrible and he hurt me terribly. It was all about me and how I needed to deal with what happened because it cannot be changed. And when bad thoughts come into my mind, I need to replace them with good ones. She did say that this would be difficult to do!
I did not want someone that would tell him what a terrible person he was, but neither did I want to be made to feel like it was all up to me to make my marriage good again.
Guess i just have not been happy for such a long time that it feels like it may not be a possibility ever again. This thing is killing me. H for the most part tries to do the right thing and has even planned an overnight gettaway because I've been so stressed. I jusr feel like I'm going backwards instead of forwards. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I know some on this forum that were able to do it quite effectively, but I was not one of them.
I think a large part of the problem was me. The affair just messed me up so incredibly. The talks were SO hard because I wanted to know things, but at the same time...I wanted the answer to be the best possible answer.
I think you have to decide what is the absolute minimum necessary info (sexual) you must have to heal.
Why don't you write down some of your FINAL questions and ask post it for feedback?
Maybe for me, it's just that this happened at all. Although I do think I have accepted it, it really brings me no peace that I finally have. I only feel beaten and very sad most of the time.
I guess that scares me because i think maybe I'm going to be one of the ones that cannot live with this no matter what my H does.
As I said, he has been mostly great. He has had a few times where he was sarcastic and not very patient with me. But thats to be expected at times I guess.
I just wish someone could tell me exactly what would be best for me. If only..sigh
So what I expect him to do, I guess i'm not sure. I did tell him that it really hurts me to think that he still may think of her and their time together. He assured me he did not. that for him, this has been over for a very long time and he has no desire to relive it.
Wonderful answer, and I hope he meant it. That is another issue for us. He says that he does tell me the truth but I still doubt his answers. Guess thats true. Not that he's a liar in my book now, but as I said this is still so hurtful to me. Should it be this bad after 13 months?
I truly have never been through anything this confusing and painful.
I am trying to see some of this anger as positive as I can. I tell myself the only way to get over it, is to go through it.
I needed to know every detail. I needed to know what I am trying to forgive and get over before I could attempt to do it. I asked my questions. I got my brutally honest answers. Some hurt, and some actually made me feel better.
I am getting to the point though, that when a trigger hits, he knows me so well, that he sees it (it my face, my body language...and has that uncomfortable look of...here comes another talk...about the same stuff we have talked about 50 times). I feel in some ways we use our anger to test them, to make it hard, to push them and see if they will run away, or face the music like men and stay through this rough patch.
I soooo agree with you on the counselling. Its like they get their hand slapped, and then its like ok...now you need to decide can you forgive...and you need to this...blah blah...what we need is to take our time with it,and forgive in our own way, and build trust at our own pace. All we really need to decide up front is if they are worth doing all of this work for.
Some times I feel as if I am going backwards, or almost as if I am at a bus stop and everyone else seems to be getting on the bus to the future, and I cant for some reason. I am still stuck at the stop unable to get on. He has moved on, and is wonderful and treats me better tahn I could've ever wanted now, she has moved on to whatever, I am just hurting myself by staying stuck.
Just knowing I am not alone in this is already helping:)
And they will also help you work though what can happen if you cannot move past this as a couple.
I am about 10 months from Dday, and there are still issues that we need to work out, but i can tell you that it is getting better as time goes on.
But i think you should seriously talk to him about finding a differnet MC to go to as a couple.