Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I discovered my CS emotional affair on 8/14/14 in a text on his phone. He immediately cut off all contact, deleted the game room where they met, has remorse, has read a couple of books already, has been transparent with any questions, etc. We have decided to rebuild a new relationship.
He has followed the advice in the books he has read and continues to read new books and by apologizing many times a day, etc.
Obviously, he can't remember every text that was sent (I found hundreds in a 5 day period on the cell bill), but has answered any direct questions, like "did you sext?, Were there pictures?" etc. My question is, is it helpful AND healthy to get a text message recovery tool and actually recover and read all the texts myself?
I had not read a book nor did I receive any advice on DDay, so I did not oversee the severing of the contact, although I am fairly certain there is no contact. Are those "loose ends" harmful down the road to our rebuilding? What do you all think?
He has followed the advice in the books he has read and continues to read new books and by apologizing many times a day, etc.
Obviously, he can't remember every text that was sent (I found hundreds in a 5 day period on the cell bill), but has answered any direct questions, like "did you sext?, Were there pictures?" etc. My question is, is it helpful AND healthy to get a text message recovery tool and actually recover and read all the texts myself?
I had not read a book nor did I receive any advice on DDay, so I did not oversee the severing of the contact, although I am fairly certain there is no contact. Are those "loose ends" harmful down the road to our rebuilding? What do you all think?
SHOULD you get a recovery tool or program to recover the texts depends on how you feel about the two points I raised above.
Do you want to know what was in those texts? Only you can know. Some say they don't want to or need to know any of the details or just how bad it is, adding that once you know, you can't erase it from your mind.
Are those loose ends harmful? In my opinion, absolutely and without a doubt. I may not need to know the nitty gritty details of how they did it, but for me knowing the extent of his infidelity, how often, to what degree, were others involved, helped me know how serious it was and helped me to decide whether or not I was going to stick it out.
If I am going to have to get over something and forgive, I have to know what it is I'm getting over and for what it is that I am forgiving.
Had I been happy only with what he told me, I'd have only heard a fraction of what he was up to, and I wanted to know exactly how bad he'd been. What's more though is that I felt it important for him to say it out loud to me, so that he could hear it for himself, and not bury it, as he was trying to do.
My cheating spouse couldn't even say he fucked her, he'd use the term 'messing around.' When I asked him to say it out loud, it came out as a whisper and took three tries before it came out audibly. He was in such denial that hearing himself say it out loud was a turning point.
If she had wanted to reconcile I think that reply. #2 would be the path I'd take. Full disclosure or what are you hiding?
Narrative Reconstruction
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/narrative-reconstruction.html
If he honestly can't remember and you need to know in order to piece together the new relationship narrative, then I'd consider it.
Keep in mind you'll also run into a lot of details you'd rather not know. Reading any lovey-dovey talk can be hard to take. You can't unring that bell once you've read it. It is possible it could hurt your healing too. It is a risk.
This is my second DDay. We are at the beginning of our long journey to a new relationship. Look for me here as we progress and regress, I know there are many hills and valleys to cross before there is a new relationship built from the ashes of our previous life.
If there is no real communication and you get mostly TT or lies what do you really have to work with? You end up with anger and resentment that just becomes larger with time.
If your spouse comes clean its a sign that there is something that might be worth saving. Its a sign that they can be honest with you,, a sign that they want to make this work. If they cant do that then I think you are just fooling yourself.
Now that's an image. Good job. It is unfortunate he decided to hide it. The trickle truth is deadly to rebuilding. If he wants to rebuilt trust, he'll need to get all land mines out in the open. Full honesty is his only weapon to save his marriage.
You can both recover, but this has ensured it will be a harder and longer road.