If you want to sleep with him, then do it! Why deprive yourself? He is your husband.
Also, don't let sex become a weapon, something you withhold out of anger or revenge. If you were emotionally not ready, then it is a different story.
Having or not having sex IMO does not change what happened. You both already made a decision to stay together for the time being at least, so I don't see why you shouldn't sleep with him.
There is no written rules about when it is best to resume sex. It is all individual.

And I have a question for you, knowing what I know of you from other sources than this post.
Are you open and honest with your husband about your feelings in general? ( this current problem aside)
Do you tell him what's on your mind about other things ?
You don't have to answer me, but just think about this.
Best wishes.

honey the more you sleep with him, the longer the pain will last. blame it on the alcohol, or desire to repay someone back. the pain is all the same. it does not matter the physical or not physical desire he gave you the psuedo feeling of pleasure for which you asked him to give you. if you exmanine what took place you will find you are doing just what he did. CHEAT, when you look at the behavior. EXCEPT NOW YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN. be careful, it's easy to think you are the player, while getting played.

big hug

It has been 4 months since my Dday but have not been intimate with him since April of this year, mine was health reasons then when I found out it was because I felt like he was dirty. I kicked him out for 3 weeks then the past 3 months we didn't sleep in the same bed till 1 months ago. I crawled in bed because I missed him being next to me, he has been next to me for the past 5 years. I won't kiss him on the lips but on the cheek and a hug. This is not to punish him but this is my way of trying to move forward. There is nothing saying you can't do this or that..it is if you feel comfortable then do it. If you want to dance with him then do it. If you start to feel uncomfortable then tell him You have to be honest with him, completely honest with him about this and everything. I help back how I was feeling and it hurt us, now I am upfront about everything we have a solid base to build up from. Good luck

It really is a personal thing. I agree, if this reluctance is due to not being emotionally ready, that is one thing. If being used as a weapon or to show him, that's another.

I could list several reasons why you would want to go ahead, but perhaps the best thing is to tell you what I did. I ended up having sex on dday with my wife. I wasn't sure I could, because like you, I didn't want to communicate the message that everything was cool, fine, and back to "normal."

How I resolved it was to make sex a commitment on her part to be exclusive to me. It was renewing her wedding vow commitment to me to have sex. It is the bond between us that makes us married. Which, truly, that is what it does. If you want to know what makes a married person married, it isn't a piece of paper from the state. It is the sexual bond that can create children with each other, no matter whether it ever does or not. Without that component, all you have is really good friends.

So for me, as long as she understood the commitment she was making when we had sex, I felt free to give it to her. The moment she broke that commitment again, though, I would have withdrawn it. Not to punish her, but because that act and commitment wouldn't mean anything coming from her at that point.

Thankfully, for 1.5 years, I've never found any reason to doubt she was serious that night.

Only you can tell yourself when the time is right. Everyone and situation is different. I kicked my W out after I found out. It wasn't until almost 3 months later did she move back in. Even then it was a couple weeks...but then we had what they call "hysterical bonding".

Don't rush into until you're ready. There is not a time frame for any of this. Take it one day at a time, sometimes even just 1 hour at a time.

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink water and try to get some exercise and sleep. Surround yourself with people for support.

Everybody is giving you great advice. I too (like hawk) went through a hysterical bonding phase. We were very passionate and sexual. Although for other reasons (waiting for std results) we avoided intercourse for a few months. I'm more stand "offish" now. My passion fluctuates like the weather and I'm more cautious.

I agree with cole, withholding as a weapon is not a good thing. You go with your own feelings and do what you are ready for. As long as you are open about your feelings then sex won't = weakness.

Like to add that you need to communicate these feelings ahead of time so he has time to prepare. I made that mistake and after our first time I wept for 20 min. She didn't understand why. Communicate your feelings if rebuilding is your goal.

I agree with what is being said... There is no set time for how long you need to wait. Like Cole, I also had sex with Drew on dday.... We had a long fight when he got home from work. Throwing things, screaming at each other. Lots and lots of crying. And honestly, I don't think I was emotionally ready at that point. But it was like... I just needed that intimacy again. I needed validation that he really did want to be with me. And I cried afterward, for a long time. He just held me and let me cry. He knows that the fact that we had sex, and continue to have sex, doesn't mean that everything is okay. It's a healthy part of our relationship that both of us enjoy. Sleeping with him doesn't make me think of him cheating anymore. I'm able to separate the two, which I think is the key to why it works. Letting him sleep in bed next to me and having sex with him does not mean that I'm weak or that I've completely forgiven. It's a gesture that I want to forgive him and as long as he is working towards that goal, I am too.

Thank you all so much for your advice... I don't know what I would do, or get through my days without you nice people on DS.