I'm sorry you guys have gone through that. It seems like people would celebrate and encourage your decision to stay and try and make your marriage better.

Were you guys involved with a church at all? If so, how did they react to the A and your decision to stay?

We got involved more with church after the affair. Have not really talked to anyone at church about it.
I do think that the fact that we found our church helped a whole lot with out it, I think I would still be more stuck then I am.
I still feel stuck a lot of the time, but our church and couples ministry has helped a lot.

I was so terrified of judgment that we tried to keep it from as many people as possible. The people I told didn't judge us at all - at least not to my face. They were thankfully very supportive and commended me for wanting to work through it, rather than the expected bash-talk about what he did.

What is the problem with judgement?

Infidelity is betrayal,

Cheaters are big enough to slink around, but not big enough to "own it"

I judge adulterers to be selfish, juvillee, manipulative and deceitful , that have the ability to see those that they betray as toys, with no concern for std transmittal

Where I am wrong?

Exactly what refurb says ...lying, cheating, family destroying, financial ruining is what cheaters are ..had a great trustworthy 24 year relationship that ended with her lying to my face and walking out on the family. I have reasons to judge her as do my kids

I read the question as "did you feel judged as well as the straying spouse". I think it's hard not to feel judged as the betrayed partner, as well. Different kind of judgement...I feel quite a bit when people find out as I would have felt before - the "if I were you I would have..." etc. kind of judgement. I try to take everything with a grain of salt. It's easy from the outside in, but when you're the one in the situation, there's a lot more to lose than the normal "armchair quarterback" situation. When people realize what is happening, "advice" comes in droves...but a lot of them forget that this isn't a stranger or a girlfriend...it's my wife that I have two kids with. She may not look at the consequences of her actions...but I am struggling to see what the consequences of every word I say might be dealing with someone who isn't herself. As far as her being judged, yes, she deserves it...it's become almost common knowledge now due to social media and more of her poor decisions...but that still doesn't stop me from feeling bad for her as she is judged, because I still feel as if we are a team, even if that team has lost, and it looks as if I've been traded.

My cs and I just talked about this last night. Everyone from family he's and mine was told even our kids due to the fact after I found the text and he told the ow I knew that they need to stop he wanted to work with us showed up at our home and my youngest children saw them talking out back yard..my cs had to tell his boss due she was picking him up at job sites on work hours...had to tell my mom and dad and his mom because they were a lost why he been so push away from them.. I didn't hide any of it from co workers or Friend's. I was very much done hiding anything. So the judge ment has been towards him. I know every time I run into someone in a store that lives in your town knows how can I till its the look they give us when even just say hi..I know it hell for me cs he so disgusted he has even be ask by a male friend of ours why would u do that to her.but our talk last night I ask him are you mad that the ow who is married too has kept this a hidden.that she seems to getting off easy not carrying that I'm a cheater..look from people.my cs said yes but but everyone knowing not haven't hidden is a big step of healing he doubt she even happy in life still carrying all of it inside.we don't have to..

What do you mean by judged?

How others have changed there perceptions of you, is what I would say is being judged.
Some people thought of me as weak and maybe even as though it was all my fault anyway. From my wife's affair.
I would say that is being judged by others for something that was compleatly out of my control. Some probably thought I was to open about it, and others probably thought I should of left.
Judged.
People that know about the A looking at you in a different light than before, I guess would be what I consider judged.

My stbx went to a league meeting shortly after I found out about his little affair. After the meeting he texted me and said that everyone there either ignored him or 'shunned' him. HA! Well what do you expect you idiot???? Nobody likes a cheater! Especially with the fact that I know all those people too and what do they see between me and stbx? They see a stable wife who had a good head on her shoulders and supported her drunk husband regardless of what he did. So of course they think he is an idiot. Because HE IS!

We have chosen to not tell friends about the cheating, since it was short-lived, did not involve intercourse, and my boyfriend ended the affair quickly after seeing some major red flags and coming to his senses that he was doing something wrong. Things are going very well, we are working on our relationship, and I think that will probably be one of those cases where the infidelity will result in us growing stronger and closer. But healing/reconciliation does take two willing partners, total transparency, and I realize that not everyone is lucky enough to have that.

People do seem to have strong feelings about cheating behaviors. it is such a huge betrayal. But, if they are folks at work, seems rather fathomless that they know about it at all. And, why does it matter what other workers think?

I think the most interesting (hurtful at the time, interesting now) judgement was the assumption that my husband cheated because I had somehow done something wrong. I don't know if this is a gender thing or not? Maybe some of the guys who were cheated on can speak to this?

Essentially, I got this sort of thing from my unmarried friends:
"Well, you can be pretty hard on him at times..."

From my married friends:
"Eh, these things happen. Just get over it."
or
"Leave that a**hole! You're stupid for letting him cheat," (as if I had a choice??) "And you're stupid if you stay!"

From his family:
"Well? What did you do to make him so unhappy?"

From his co-workers/bosses:
"Well? You shouldn't have let him work graveyard shifts and hang out with the OW all the time."

From our Marriage Counselor: (yes... really)
"You have to own your part in his infidelity. Obviously, he wasn't happy in the marriage or he wouldn't have cheated."

Ultimately, I realized that I certainly wasn't the best of wives, but that is never, ever, EVER an excuse to cheat. I tried getting him to go to counseling long before he ever cheated. He could have taken that road. Or he could have left me. Or he could have just said, "Look, I don't like what you're doing." But nope. And... ultimately, it wasn't ever about me. He didn't cheat because he wasn't happy with me or our marriage. He cheated because an opportunity came up and he didn't have any solid reason to turn the offer down.

My close friends judged my husband harshly in the beginning. They saw my raw pain and wanted, I don't know... the same thing betrayed spouses want: vengeance? answers? retribution? But then they mellowed out and realized it's not black and white.

I told one friend of ours about the affair more than a year after DDAY. I had been scared to bring it up to her since she and her husband are mutual friends of ours. She had the best reaction and the least judgement of anyone we disclosed details to: she hugged me tight and said, "Congratulations. Shitty things happen to all of us. You're just like the rest of us, now, dear." She said it with love and understanding. She'd battled (and won) against cancer, so I knew she knew what she was talking about.

Life happens. Some of it sucks hard. You can lay down and die, you can cling to the shit, or you can move forward and live your life. So on we go. :)