Hi
What I have to say is not really helpful. But I am experiencing the same things. I never called my h names either but they just come out, like "how could you, what a bastard!" it just fits. I truly believed that my husband had similar values to mine for12 , almost 13 years! He doesnt! He lied to me without batting an eye, he told his mistress things about me, true things, to make me look bad and make him look long-suffering, he cheated on me, he showed NO RESPECT for me whatsoever.

He says he respects me now. Why should I believe that? I certainly cannot feel the same way I did when I thought he was an honorable man. My h is trying also, but what am I thinking? Can love really grow when there is no respect?
Sorry, I know this doesnt help. Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm trying to figure out what "respect" means to different people. To me it is considering others, treating them as you would like to be treated. I respect people that can overcome adversity with courage, without resorting to meaness.

I look at our society of today and we seem to be only concerned with our own pleasures and desires at the expense of others.

I believe it maybe getting back to the basics of care and concern. The acknowledgement that respect is not a given and that someone who wishes to have it from others must not just give it back but led by example. I don't mean being elitist but I feel respect is tempered with all the good old characteristics of compassion, understanding and empathy. The opposite of respect I believe is selfishness. I certainly do not believe respect can be built quickly and so establishing it within a hurting relationship is not going to happen quickly. I suppose it gets to how long you are prepared to wait to see if it will develop.

For myself, will I respect my husband again? I don't know, again it will depend on his actions and effort in dealing with every aspect of our marriage and the dignity that he does this,

Respect means different things to different people. I don't respect someone who sleeps around, doesn't provide for their children, does not consider the feelings of others, etc. I greatly respect leaders who know how to relate to people and to make them feel that they are important. I respect people who have a high moral standard and are able to live it. I don't respect those who can't live up to the moral standard of the society around them.

I think gaining back respect takes a lot longer than gaining back trust. The person would have to prove themself all over again. It's almost like starting over. Trust can be built back by proving yourself trustworthy. But, respect has more to do with what people think of you, who they think you are. So, if you think your spouse is a whore, you will only show them the respect due to a whore. They certainly have to do their part to change your perception. But, I almost think this is a choice on our behalf. I think we choose the people that we give respect to. Not all the supervisors I have do I respect, even though they all pretty much work the same jobs and are basically the same kind of people. I choose the role models I want to have and those are the people I respect. There is one obvious area that I have lost respect for my wife. But, there are many things about her that I do respect. Overall, I do respect her as a person. So, I guess I choose how much respect I give her...and I think that eventually I'll be able to give back respect to the other areas, too.

I cheated on my husband. He tells me often about how much respect he has for me in different areas. The fact that I cheated didn't really bring him down because he is a very strong person in many ways. I did what I did and he knew I did it because I was weak and selfish. We've agreed on that and moved on. I still make sure that I do things for my husband. "I" was the one that cheated so "I'm" the one responsible for making sure things go smooth and making sure I'm constantly kissing his butt to make sure life is good for us. It's not up to him. I'm darn thankful I've regained his trust and respect, I truly am. I remember that daily and it keeps me real. I made a horrible choice back then when I left my marriage to sleep around and I intend on keeping that in my mind for as long as it takes so that I work hard to make it up to him always.

It sounds like you haven't gotten to the point where you can let it go and try to forgive and regain trust in your husband. He needs to do HIS job to help you get to that point. It's not your job anyway. He is the one who did something terribly wrong and if he wants to continue the marriage then he needs to work hard at it, a lot harder than you need to.

Thanks for all the responses this really made me think. He's doing things to earn back trust, but I must say that I have only gotten as far as I believe that he is telling me the truth about where he is and I believe that he is telling me the truth about wanting this to work, I believe he tells me the truth about most all day to day activities. Do I trust him to be the steward of our life goals? NO. Do I trust him to be a good steward over investments and finance, NO. Do I trust him completely if my back was turned long enough....well maybe 50% that he would not cheat again. I wouldn't place any real money on that bet yet. I think it's more "I would love to believe that he wouldn't". It would have made it easier to trust him had he come to me with the truth. And it would have made it easier after I caught him had he not continued to lie about things. So although he's doing things to make up for it now I still remember that his lack of character was no different than a street whore. And I feel a little more respect for him today than yesterday. At least I'm catching myself with the name calling. It doesn't feel good to know that someone cannot be a good steward over matters and I pray nothing happens to me where I need to depend on him to handle things. At least not anytime soon. But his going to church and participating in Bible Study is slowly gaining my respect and he's returning to college and I respect that too.
Slowly but surely we're getting there and I let him know that as long as we remain on this course of action I'm okay. But not to deviate it from it. I need to know that he's growing mentally and spiritually. I lost respect because I did view him as a common whore. I even told him that I never wanted him to call another woman a whore in my presence. After learning about his actions I told him that, "Who's the whore? I'm looking at the whore!" And I know that was harsh but I believe that it was true. He would often point fingers at societies worst and it was a double standard. One time a co-worker stole something from work and he went on and on about how it was a felony and wanted them to press charges. Well I held the philisophical mirror up to his face and said, "you were partaking in racketeering, you were soliciting prostitutes, you were chancing both your health and mine! You were committing adultery with a single woman. That woman at work STOLE ONE RADIO. ONE......RADIO and you made it out like she was the worst person in the world." I often warn him to think before he starts pointing fingers. For every one finger he points at someone else there are three pointing back at him. He's humbled himself. It's as if his actions didn't count. In his mind I guess he rationalized that he wasn't doing anything wrong. Well when he watched them march those prostitutes to jail he realized that he could have been there and I've already told him that our insurance covers so much for bail and after than I'm not covering it. He gets in trouble for this sort of stupidity he can sit in jail and I'm filing for divorce. He's well aware that I will not tolerate this sort of behavior. It's just difficult for me to even digest that he was "THAT STUPID". It's just something that I need to pray on.

Nave, I appreciate the input. That must have really hurt you learning that your husband told the mistress about you. I pray that everyone here finds their peace and successful road.

I agree with Nan7. Every word. except for the my husband part. C I'm the guy.
Good luck Betrayed12

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