Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

How do you show love after you have hurt someone

carissy1
carissy1

My name is Chrissy and I am a liar and cheater.


I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We are not legally married, but I consider him my husband. During 2 years of our relationship, I was sleeping with someone else. My boyfriend caught me two months into the affair, but I lied and told him there was nothing going. I manipulated him and convinced him that there was nothing physical happening between me and this other man. I continued to see this person off and on for about 2 years. Finally, when I stopped being convenient for him, the guy I was cheating with dumped me. 


Only within the past month has my boyfriend discovered that my relationship with this other man was physical. I continued to lie to him about how long the affiar really lasted. He was begging me for complete honesty, but I did not want to admit to full extent to what a terrible person I am. Finally, when my boyfriend contacted this man he found out the affiar was much longer than I had said. He was devestated. All the work we had put into our rebuilding trust was gone. 


The affair started 4 years ago and lasted 2. What is worse, according to my boyfriend, is that during the time I was seeing this other man, my boyfriend would bring up my "two month affair" (what he saw as two months, but did not know the truth) and tell me how much it hurt him and how he was struggling to trust me. Instead of telling him the truth, stopping my affiar, and helping him heal, I would get angry with him. I did not want to hear about what a terrible person I was/ I am. I would ask him to stop talking about it, it was in the past. I was actively hurting him and I made him feel guilty for sharing how he hurt he felt.


Understandably, my boyfriend does not know if he wants to stay with me. He says that he is worried that I am only capable of being selfish and that I will never put his needs first. 


One of the most hurtful things he has said (I know I deserve all the hurtful things and worse) is that he does not think I understand how to love. He does not think I am capable of love.


How do I show him I love him? How do I show him I am capable? I feel desperate and urgent.


Any advice appreciated.

gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I think you will have to be honest about what the affair was to you (just sexual, emotional, etc.). There is a reason you cheated, not a justification, but a need of some sort you were seeking to get met even if it meant deception. If you aren't clear about how you got there, it is tough to argue you won't do it again. I would recommend counseling to pick apart the patterns you have in relationships and what you are truly looking for and why you might have sabotaged a (seemingly) decent relationship. That will put you in a healthier place when it comes to making amends and being trustworthy in the future. I say this as a cheater myself.
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
Umm...I think he is right. If you want to show love then leave him so he can be with someone better who can actually, really love him. You didn't even end the affair, the other guy did. You never came clean to him about it, he had to find out through the other guy (damn that must have hurt) and all of the "work you had put into rebuilding the trust" was a huge lie because, HELLO, you were cheating on him the entire time and the work you put into rebuilding the trust was based on a lie! Do you understand the meaning and definition of the word trust? I'm sorry. I just think this is ridiculous. You need to go onto a different board. I think you BF is right. You don't know how to love and he deserves WAY better than you. You need counseling to fix yourself and be happy with yourself so you don't hurt anyone else.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
Chrissy, you can also post on the Cheaters Anonymous board.
carissy1
carissy1
Thank you for letting me know gravinggirl I appreciate it
refurb
refurb
offer to pay for his std test and counseling
JGibby
JGibby
ksprizzle89 and others, Hello. My name is James. I am the boyfriend. Yes, it did hurt. Again and again each time I found out something new it was like starting from scratch and worse because of the continued loss of trust. Yes, I do doubt whether she knows what love actually is. That hurts too. It is especially painful to know that she was hurting me to save herself pain while she was continuing to cheat. I appreciate that you are standing up for someone who was wronged. That said... if this board is what I think it is, I think it is unfortunate that when someone finally reaches out for help to try and be a better person that she is rejected. She was WRONG for what she did. I didn't deserve it. But she is not going to get better for anyone ever if she has to make it on her own. She is looking to be a better person. She deserves some credit for that. gravinggirl... thank you for being constructive. Hopefully it will help make us all better so everyone can heal.
refurb
refurb
hello jimbo, I'm sorry for your pain,

Part of healing is seeing reality

Cheating is putting the betrayed partner at risk, ain't no pretty way to say it, get tested for stds

And please consider counseling for yourself

Both of those are constructive

Yes or no?
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
It is my understanding that this board if for people who have been hurt and cheated on, not for the cheaters. There is a cheaters anonymous board. James, I wish you all of the best and you deserve someone who respects you and who won't lie to you and who won't cheat on you. I would also recommend counseling for yourself. Know that you are worth it and you deserve the best. Love yourself first.
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
Also, I know it is hard to hear, but "But she is not going to get better for anyone ever if she has to make it on her own. " is entirely inaccurate. It is up to the cheater to decide to change and then follow through with the changes. Reality is harsh and I have been on both sides of the fence, as a cheater and being cheated on. Cheating on someone was pure hell for me. I felt guilty every day and I eventually ended it because I couldn't keep the charade up anymore. I ended it with the guy that I was with and I ended it with the guy that I was cheating with. Then I went to therapy and have since worked through a lot of issues with myself that I now know played into that cheating. That is why your post, Chrissy, hit such a nerve with me. Chrissy, if you really want this to work then you need to be completely transparent and realize that there may be no getting over it. It may be best to walk away and work on yourself until you are healthy. James, I would also suggest counseling for yourself, as I sense there are some issues in your past that make you think that you don't deserve any better and are too scared to call it quits. Individual counseling and couples counseling if yall want to make it work. Complete transparency from Chrissy and complete honesty. No more lying. Good luck.
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
Also James it is not your job to rescue anyone. Take care of yourself.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I think there is ALWAYS confusion about what this board is for because it seems like it's for anyone affected by infidelity but has a preponderance of betrayed partners on it.
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
"Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after the transgression." -- The description of the group.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
And...?
KSprizzle89
KSprizzle89
There is still a question of what this board is for after the last sentence of that description? That pretty much says it all, in my humble opinion.
JGibby
JGibby
Refurb, Thank you for your post. Yes that was constructive. You are right and it is already being taken care of. i.e. I have a test scheduled. Thank you for your concern and your support.