By getting away from the person whose behavior is unforgivable.

It's all in the detail.

Its up to you to decide...
Are they really genuinely sorry for what they did?
Are they willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work (meaning transparency, honesty, commitment, etc)?
Do they blame you at all for what they did, bc if they did that's a sign that you shouldn't forgive?
Is your relationship & this other person worth the upcoming task of working it out?
Has this happened before? (Think about other dishonesties, lies, questionable behavior, filanderings with others etc)
Im not saying you can't make it work. Some can & the relationship becomes better and stronger than ever. However some cant.
I really hope things work out for you. & hope for you to be nothing but happy

they have to show true and full remorse and committed to it for the long run....as far as forgiving itself well just think no one is perfect, we can all do things we never thought we would do, under the right(wrong) circumstances....once you accept that it will become easier

What is this unforgivable you speak of?

Lenoire,

this is what i feel is unforgivable

8 different men within 15 months after 13 years of marriage...w 5 year old twins at the time she started having sex with other men.

1st/8 her ex BFF introduces them via text...starts a 15 month sexting/online affair w him, has sex three times over a few months as he's out of town. her exBFF and AP 1/8 are encouraging her during the entire 15 months. Ex BFF is doing the same thing too.

2nd/8, i knew...was in a band i played in....she had sex w him in my basement. he later started an affair w her exBFF, then tried to force female singer in band to have sex w him.

3rd/8 ..picks up from Craigslist -- she had sex w him the first time in the back of her car on a public street in the middle of the day after meeting him at a tattoo parlor where she got a tattoo of "love birds" on her body which was supposed to represent the two of us. went on for over a month

4th picks up from Ashely Madison.... meets for dinner once...then meets for sex once...in his place of work

5th - picks up from Ashely Madison... meets for drinks, screws him in the backseat of our car.

6th/8 she had sex w in our basement as well..after meeting at motels and gas station bathrooms

7th/8 ..says she feel in love with him because he reminded her of me, went on for 4 months

8th./8 she runs to parking lot super marked store to have him finger her to orgasm while I'm home watching Christmas specials w the kids..... then day i take my kids to a poler express train ride out of state, she spends entire day w him, then goes out to have sex w him another night while I'm home with kids 5 days before xmas, and 1 month after my mother died. ...(and she tried to pickup my cousin for sex at my mothers funeral and sends him nude photos of herself the week after I bury my mother) -- 8th was 29...she was 45.... she said she always "wanted to know what it would be I've to make love to a gorgeous lover"

i can't drive anywhere in town, without having some association...oh..hey, I'm in the township of 1st guy....oh..theres the hotel for the 7th guy...theres the gas station for the 6th guy...theres the parking lot w the 4th guy...theres his house..the 2nd guy and the 8th guy...etc..etc...etc

Holy shit

Yeah that is a whole lot to forgive. Are you together and trying to reconcile or have you moved on? As the BS of a serial cheater over 30 years who are trying to reconcile, I would not be able to move past it as a married couple without remorse, transparency, and a genuine effort to rebuild on my CS's part. I know how it feels to have reminders everywhere...I have to force myself when things pop up to trigger me to acknowledge that feeling and actively decide not to stay with it and dwell on it. Easier said than done, but to stay in those feelings for too long is poisonous and self destructive for me. I will never forget, but I try really hard to work towards forgiveness. I hope all of us get there one day.

I'm sorry to read all of this. She is a serial cheater, and without acknowledgement, remorse and rehabilitation, you won't be able to forgive her. What is the situation now and how to you plan to go forward?

Dday was 2 years ago....this month.
I started 12 step prog and she did as well, but she quit going after a month or so.

I started Indiv counseling the week after dday.

We started couples counseling a few weeks after dday

she started Indiv Couns a month after dday as well

we have been trying to reconcile for the past 24 months.

first year for me, was simply goal of survival. we attended retrouvialle program and that helped a bit. 1.5 months past dday i have my own emotional affair online.

this 2nd year , for us, has been tough. she is physically, mentally, emotionally drained.
i withdrawal.

she hasn't acted out since the night before dday. no contact w any of the APs

she said she has been working on herself...and made changes...but i don't see it...or i don't believe it...or i feel so broken, i dont allow myself to believe it....

i know that after 2 years, my anger and resentment is still present. i know if i continue to carry this with me, it will kill me.

a few weeks ago , i decided that i need a goal....and the goal will be forgiveness...and the goal of forgiveness is to help me heal..... but i found it insurmountable .

she has not given me any reason to not trust her.... i have and have had access to all accounts and online communication. but i still dont feel safe

we had planned on a 3 month separation in Sept, but i changed my mind after coming to the epiphany and realization that i had my own EA a month after her disclosure. over the next 20 months, when i seem to be in the worst emotional and mental state , i go onto CL and answer adds but never follow thru w anything, and start using pornography and masturbation, as a way to numb myself.

the last few weeks we have been talking about divorce.

she asks me what i need from her for my recovery... and i tell her, "i have no idea what i need from you".

last night, i finally was able to articulate my needs or wants.
i told her i need her to convince me that she is telling the truth and that she is trustworthy.

she asked me, how does she do that? i told her , i dont know, but i dont feel or see anything from you to help convince me. all i hear is the occasional "yes, of course I'm sorry that i did that and I'm not that person anymore and I'm working on being a better person" ...but i just dont see it...or i dont believe it ..or i dont allow myself to believe it?

so, she didnt exhibit serial cheating while we were together, until 13 years into the marriage, when our kids were 5. 15 months of cheating. then i discover, confront, she discloses, we start counseling, she, as far as I know, has never started acting out.

multiple therapists have told us "she is NOT a sex addict, as she doesn't fit the profile. but what she did was addictive behavior for those 15 months" ....they have also told me "she is not a psychopath, nor is she a sociopath" ... she was diagnosed w ADHD 6 months after disclosure.....

Um, if it were me, I would walk away from her despite your emotional attachment.

I don't buy it that she had an isolated 154-month period of cheating and had never done it before or since.

Get tested for STD infections and strongly consider your options. Life is short, do you really want to stay with someone like her?

BTW, move away from wherever it is you live so you do not have constant reminders of her awful behavior.

Not everything in life is forgivable. I have read many stories from BS's on this board, and on many occasion I have thought to myself, 'that, I couldn't forgive.'

You may not ever be able to forgive her because of the type of deceit, and that's something you have to decide on. Some things in life, are just unforgivable. To force oneself to live through it when forgiveness is the furthest emotion within your reach, is purgatory.

I believe you are also dealing with your own case of revenge infidelity, whether it is or not, and having a hard time understanding it. You've made a messy situation messier, by doing, to some extent, the very thing that put you in the place you're in, and this has a way of fucking with your brain.

You have to make a decision based on your capabilities, and not what you're supposed to do or feel or act. If you're unhappy, it will affect your health, and recovery requires a safe and trusting environment for that to happen.

I thought I did, I tried to forgive, move on, make new associations with a new house, farm, animals, but the bond was broken, and I've not forgiven him, every time something comes up, its the one thing I throw at him, because I stayed, and I think although I love our current life, the things we have, I don't love him, I don't respect him, and he obviously doesn't respect me, he's been years trying to make it up to me, he's given me things, and supported me, and wants us to have a life, a good life, but somehow I just can't get by the original unforgivable, and can't be with him, in the same ways, knowing that he doesn't care about me, and that any ho would do, it disgusts me, and I can see him with them, and words he uses, makes me remember the words I found in their dirty emails (10 years ago) and he says he can't remember, and that makes it ok? but I can, and he puts it down to depression, and concussion, and many other physical and mental illnesses, but really - It was him, and not me, and I've done everything I can to get rid of it, but I can't. he's also an addict, but not to any substances, his brain (by way of injury) seeks out more and more excitement, and that's how (he claims) he got involved in the strange worlds of internet sites he turned into infidelities. It was 10 years ago, and I've never fully trusted him, because every time my back is turned he's had something funny on his phone, or text, or whatever (we cant have internet at home because of this)
yours seems like a SERIOUS serial problem, and definitely unforgivable, if I were you I'd be moving on for sure.

I'm sorry to hear of your story Charger67. Healing from your grief, forgiveness and respect isn't possible if you've been experiencing triggers the entire time. Reading the first half of your post, I wondered why you've been unable to achieve it, then reading part two, you mention concussion and mental illness, that kind of makes a big difference.

Are you saying he's had a brain injury, combined with mental illenss, that's turned him into a horny toad, or has he always been a horny toad, only the injury and illness has put it into hyper-drive? Being able to tell the difference between right and wrong is primordial, so either he can and doesn't want to, or he can't because of mental illness and brain injury?

If you're saying you're constantly finding shit on his nose, every time you turn your back, that's a very different scenario, because he's still cheating and living in such an environment is caustic.

Perhaps it's time to consider some of your advice, as hard as it may be, and ponder a plan to free yourself. You deserve to live happily, and have joy in your life. You still have anger in your words, so if this wound has been open for 10 years, you will need a long time to undo all the damage it has done and continues to do to you and your relationship. What you describe is no way to live.

I wish you well.