Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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whatnow12405 09/27/2017

My husband cheated on me, he did go all the way and slept with another women. He is trying so hard to prove he loves me, he is understanding that in this moment I can't tell him I love him(I do love him, but it hurts to say it right now). He says he knows telling me he loves me isn't enough and that he is going to show me everyday and dedicate his life to proving how sorry he is, how big of a mistake he made etc. He admitted it, he answered all my questions(of course I don't know that he was honest), he never put the blame on me even when I tried to take some of the blame he told me not to do that because it wasn't my fault, he hasn't yelled or gotten mad at me. All he has tried to do is hold me and comfort me. He is making sure I'm getting sleep even though it's hard and he is making sure I'm eating even when I don't feel like I can. He has shown remorse, guilt and told me he hates himself and he hates seeing me hurting, he hates what he did to me and wishes he could take it all back. He asked me to give him another chance, he wants to renew our vows and go to therapy(which for him is a huge step because he doesn't like talking about his feeling). It was a one time thing, didn't mean anything, it was just sex with no feelings blah blah.

Now I know all of this could be a bunch of BS but I decided I need to forgive him(for myself) and start working on me and figuring out who I am. I told him I wasn't going to make any big decisions right now, of course divorce crossed my mind but it not something I want to do right now. We have been together for over 9 years straight, and before that we were off and on for 3 years. We have honestly been through everything together, plenty of things that should of broken us. So I want to give him another chance. We do have two kids and I am 22 weeks pregnant with our third so my emotions have been even crazier.

My problem is and my question how do I get past the fact that he is the only person I have been with for the past 9 years? That he is the only person I have been with during our marriage but he can't say the same about me. It kills me to know I'm not the only one he has been since we got together. Will I ever get over that? Will I ever move past that and if so how? I know I need to move past it if I want us to work.

Wheretonow 09/27/2017

I don't have an answer to your question but just wanted to tell you that I'm in a similar situation. Remorseful husband, doing everything he can to correct things...etc.

In my case, it didn't go as far as sex but it still hurts and is very much cheating and betrayal. I too have only been with my spouse as we've been together since I was 16. Knowing that I was only intimate with him all those years while he was intimate with other girls still infuriates me and I constantly wonder if I should give my self a break to even the playing field and explore other men. As petty as it sounds, I wonder if that'll help me feel better. I even feel like I could cheat on my husband now and feel completely guilt free and justified. My logical brain knows that won't accomplish anything in the long run and that I'll respect myself less for doing the very thing that hurt me so horribly out of vengeance.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I feel every emotion you're feeling... I'm 4 months since D Day. Still struggling with the dirty reminders that send me into fury and crying fits but counseling and time is helping.

I wish you the best. Please take care of yourself <3

whatnow12405 09/27/2017

Thank you, yes we have both been with other people before we met and during the time we were off and on(he however has had more partners than I have) but when we finally decided to stop messing around and full commit to each other I haven't been with anyone else, so the past 9 years he is the only one I've been with. I've had the same thoughts, that maybe sleeping with someone else will even the score and I feel better, that the thoughts of him not only being with me would go away because I too had been with someone else. I think about it at times but in the long run I know it won't help anything. Maybe I'll feel better at first but it won't last, there is a reason I haven't cheated before so I don't want to let go of my morals and self respect. I know I need to just give it more time but I can't deal with these thoughts and pain anymore. The sad part is that it has only been a week since D day. Today is the first day I haven't cried most of the day, I'm trying to stay busy. Little things set me off though, songs, movies and just random thoughts and he tears start again. Thank you for your response. I wish none of us had to go through this but at the same time I feel so alone and it's nice to know I'm not.

Lessons 09/27/2017

sounds like you love him and he loves you. I believe in second chances. people Change, people learn and people move on. I would Recommend therapy for you also along with couples therapy but you need to forgive him and I seriously mean forgive him not just with your mind but from the heart. we're humans and we make mistakes in different ways... Go for it and try it again
Good luck

whatnow12405 09/27/2017

Yes I do love him, a lot. And I want to believe he loves me I really believe in my heart he does, but then I think if he really loved me how could he do this? I know I can't think like that and I too believe in second chances and know we all make mistakes but this is the biggest betrayal and I'm terrified he will do it again which of course he promised he never will but he promised her never would in the first place. I want nothing more than to forgive him not just for him but for me, and I know that's the only way we can move on. I just don't know how to truly forgive him or trust him again. We will be going to therapy soon his idea which like I said is a big deal for him and I agree I need to go on my own as well and I believe he needs to go on his own as well. I need to learn how to forgive and move on and just leave the past there. That's my biggest issue right now letting go of the past.

whatnow12405 09/28/2017

Thanks everyone. I realized I have lost myself, I don't know who I am anymore. I stopped working at the end of May for DH's job, he travels(he is looking for a new job and had a lead because he knows continuing traveling will just damage us more) and we don't have help with the kids. My life is all about my husband and my kids which of course they are my life but I still need something for me and I don't have anything that is only mine. I don't do things for myself. I have decided I'm going to start making myself a priority, im going to find myself again. Start doing things for me and doing things I enjoy. I still need to figure out what those things might be but I plan to get there. Also it will take my mind and focus off of the cheating. I'm starting tomorrow by getting back into the gym.

forwardmotion 09/28/2017

It's good to not make any big decisions as this is still fresh. While what he said could all be BS it does seem like he has a certain insight already that many CSes don't get to. Whether he really believes what he is saying will show over time through his actions.

Divorce is on the table given the adultery, however if he is fully repentant, you have three kids, and you want to give him another chance then you have good reason to attempt reconciliation.

It takes a long time to rebuild trust after this extreme betrayal and the healing is also a long journey. I'm 14 months past and I trust her to some degree as she has hasn't given me reason to doubt her so far. There will always be this doubt of their integrity for the rest of the relationship, but the doubt can decrease.

burnt 09/28/2017

I agree with everything forwardmotion has said.

It is positive that he is answering all of your questions and he is wanting to show you everyday how much he loves you. This is a good start. In some ways it is like you are starting the relationship all over again. You must take a day at a time. Your trust in him is probably destroyed. If trust is a brick wall, yours is in pieces right now. Tell him it will take time for your trust in him to build again. It is brick by brick so it will take some time. I'm two years down the track and that wall is still not completely built. I'm unsure if will ever be complete.
Now is also the time to do things that make you happy and feel better. Dinner with friends, spending some time with family and just spoiling yourself in some way. You deserve it!
I also thought about evening up the score but didn't go down this path. I was advised by quite a few that this would make me feel worse.
Unfortunately, you are not alone in this life challenge. Maybe take some small comfort knowing that there are others (quite a lot unfortunately) that have been exactly where you are and have gone on to prosper and have happy lives either with or without the CS.
I would also suggest exercising if that isn't part of your daily routine. It provided me the solo time to process which is rare in my house (four kids) Healthy body, healthy mind!
Good luck on your Journey. Take care of yourself.

sadandalone26 09/28/2017

I'm sorry this happened to you. I am in a similar situation. My husband had sex with another woman and it hurt me to the core. I don't know if I'll ever get over it or if I can at this point. As apologetic as he is a piece of me feels like he's full of shit. How can you love your wife and then do something so terrible? I don't have an answer for you but I do hope you are able to heal from this and move forward
Whatever forward looks like for uou

whatnow12405 09/28/2017

Thank you I hope the same for you. I ask the same questions, how can he tell me loves me, if he really loved me how could he do this. I guess we might never know but all we can do is keep looking to the future.

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